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Re: Band-aide anyone for a bruised ego?

Posted by Shortelise on April 14, 2005, at 16:43:00

In reply to Band-aide anyone for a bruised ego?, posted by annierose on April 14, 2005, at 15:10:45

I think she said the wrong thing. Really. I think you're right. And you have every right to say the speaker put 200 parents to sleep if he was boring. And you even are allowed to say it in a harsh manner. Your T might better have said, well, it sounds like... blah blah blah.

THere are so many facets to this sort of thing happenein in therapy.

First of all, there's what you said and how you said it. That the basic thing, and you brought it up in therapy for some reason.

Then there's your T's reaction.

You're reaction to what she said is a big deal - very important part of therapy. Maybe she was having a bad day - everyone does, right? - and said the wrong thing. But how you react to that, how the two of you resolve it, is the most important thing.

Why do we go into therapy? I'm not well-versed in this sort of stuff, but for a lot of us, I think it's inter-personal problems. So, when you hit on a problem with your T, there is is, front and center, how are you going to sort this out?

Do you look at her acorss the room and say, gee, doc, that's not like you. Are you having a bad day?

Do you phone later, and say, were you having a bad day today?

Do you look across the room and say, hey, don't call me names?

Do you phone and say, I feel badly about something you said to me today?

Do you go and throw rocks at her window?

Do you wonder if she said that on purpose to get a reation?

Do you phone and leave a message and quit?

You see, we have so many choices. Mine, a few years ago, would have been to phone him and and say, WHY DID YOU TELL ME I"M HARSH? (Lot of sobbing) Now that I've worked out that most of the stupid things people say are more about what they are going through than what I am doing, I am more likely to either talk about it when it happens or call later and talk calmly - or even more likely I will wait until the next session, but this is just a fluke - I am somehow going through a period where therapy has worked and I calm.

So, here's the best band aid I can come up with: this is an opportunity for you to understand yourself a little better, to grow, and to learn how this sort of thing affects you. It's what therapy is for. And when our T's make mistakes and say the wrong thing, it presents us with an opportunity to see how we deal with that, with them, with ourselves, and our feelings. It's great. It's like, my mother says things that are really hurtful and I can't talk with her about them. But with my shrink, I can say, you said, blah blah, and I felt blah blah, then you said blah, why? We can knock it down and drag it out. I can go through all the feelings I want, all I need to, I can explore the depth and breadth of all of them, and I come out of the other side with so much a better understanding of myself.

Maybe when T's make this kind of blunder, they wait until the two of you have hashed it out before they apologize, because it is such rich fodder for therapy.

In summer there are always people gardening with loud machines around my T's building. I tell him I have bad noise karma. We've never dealt with that. Maybe I need to see a buddhist.





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