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Re: Stop the World I want to Get Off (long) Daisym

Posted by fallsfall on April 14, 2005, at 15:35:38

In reply to Re: Stop the World I want to Get Off (long) fallsfall, posted by Daisym on April 14, 2005, at 10:44:17

> I had weird powerful dreams last night that the medication made me unable to type so I couldn't post anymore, couldn't journal, couldn't chat, and couldn't talk to you. It was scary. The pdoc in my dream kept saying, "you need to talk about it, not write about it anyway, stop worrying." I felt like half my support was ripped away and that it was intended to shut me down. Obvious dream, huh?

*** You can't get rid of me that easy...
> I spent sometime thinking that perhaps this current push/pull around talking about suicide is really playing out with my therapist what should have happened with my mother. I should have told her, and she should have been able to hear it. I didn't, but I knew she couldn't. Part of being nine is remembering a number of aborted attempts to tell her. So right now, having a plan is about the worse "secret" I could have, it is very embarrassing to feel this way: honest, but mortifying for me. So I sit on it, and then I feel so scared and bad I tell him. And then I want to take it back.
*** This makes perfect sense. And you need to keep trying to tell him so that he *can* take care of you (which he can).

> The question is, how long will it last and much more serious can it get?

*** It will last until you work this through. You can't go around this, you *have* to go through it. So if you want it to go quickly, you have to keep working on it. It will never feel like a comfortable thing - in my game we call it "Try new behavior" - it is worth 5 sanity marbles - the highest number you can get. It is right up there with "Breakthrough in understanding" and "Talk to therapist about difficult issue" and "Get positive feedback on new behavior". These are the things that make the biggest positive difference - they are also the hardest. If you can talk to him today, you'll get 12 Sanity Marbles - 2 for going to therapy, 5 for talking about a difficult issue, 5 for try new behavior. And maybe 10 more!

This *IS* the work of therapy. This *IS* the hard stuff. It is also the stuff that makes the difference - that lets us learn new ways of dealing with the world.

>I told my husband last night that it was really hard for me to still admit to feeling this way and to still have to be talking about it in therapy. His response was, "I don't know why you think you need to keep saying it. You got my attention, though I'm pretty sure that these feelings aren't real. Your therapist probably knows you would never do anything either. Maybe you should just stop thinking about it." I was crushed but covered well. Isn't this the response I would have expected from my mother when I was nine?

*** Sorry, you married your mom. So did I. Sigh.
> I'm trying to refuse to be pushed into "proving" that these feelings are real. At the same time, I want to believe him. It is confusing and I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm thinking that I should take a break from therapy until Monday and let it all settle down.
*** Good don't prove the feelings are real. But know that they are. This is not something to gamble with.

> And hide from work...

*** Good luck, Daisy. This is the hard stuff. The terror. But it is also the stuff that will make a difference.




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