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Re: Stop the World I want to Get Off (long) fallsfall

Posted by Daisym on April 14, 2005, at 10:44:17

In reply to Re: Stop the World I want to Get Off (long) daisym, posted by fallsfall on April 14, 2005, at 6:47:24

I had weird powerful dreams last night that the medication made me unable to type so I couldn't post anymore, couldn't journal, couldn't chat, and couldn't talk to you. It was scary. The pdoc in my dream kept saying, "you need to talk about it, not write about it anyway, stop worrying." I felt like half my support was ripped away and that it was intended to shut me down. Obvious dream, huh?

I spent sometime thinking that perhaps this current push/pull around talking about suicide is really playing out with my therapist what should have happened with my mother. I should have told her, and she should have been able to hear it. I didn't, but I knew she couldn't. Part of being nine is remembering a number of aborted attempts to tell her. So right now, having a plan is about the worse "secret" I could have, it is very embarrassing to feel this way: honest, but mortifying for me. So I sit on it, and then I feel so scared and bad I tell him. And then I want to take it back.

The question is, how long will it last and much more serious can it get? I told my husband last night that it was really hard for me to still admit to feeling this way and to still have to be talking about it in therapy. His response was, "I don't know why you think you need to keep saying it. You got my attention, though I'm pretty sure that these feelings aren't real. Your therapist probably knows you would never do anything either. Maybe you should just stop thinking about it." I was crushed but covered well. Isn't this the response I would have expected from my mother when I was nine?

I'm trying to refuse to be pushed into "proving" that these feelings are real. At the same time, I want to believe him. It is confusing and I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm thinking that I should take a break from therapy until Monday and let it all settle down.

And hide from work...

 

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poster:Daisym thread:484009
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