Posted by daisym on April 14, 2005, at 2:01:42
This is an old song most of you here are probably too young to remember...but it fits for me right now.
I went to the pdoc appointment on Tuesday. Same one I've seen before. It wasn't too bad -- I think she just is a very "tell it like she sees it" person. And practical. VERY practical. Nothing soft and comforting about her. We talked about medications and she asked me what I wanted to accomplish. I think I said I'd like to be less suicidal and more productive at work. She said that didn't seem like too much to ask. She recommended the lowest dose of wellbutrin, once a day, though she was worried about insomnia for me. (you think?) I took the prescription and filled it. And cried all the way home today. I can't believe I'm not strong enough to get through this. I'm sick of feeling so low but I'm terrified of the direction I'm heading.
Things this week have been very tough with my therapist. Monday I couldn't talk to him. I was terrified for some reason and I just knew I needed to make myself be better. I needed to protect him from all the darkness. But I don't lie to him so I couldn't talk to him. He got very frustrated, because he knew something was wrong and he couldn't get me to open up. He told me he understood why I would want to stay closed down, avoid the hurt, but he was wrong. I wasn't closed, just holding back. I left in tears after telling him I felt like he wanted me to close it all up again -- that I felt abandoned in my pain. Of course I can't ever leave it like that, it freaks me out to think he is upset with me, so I left a message apologizing. He called back and said it was really hard session for him too, he wanted to help but not make me feel forced to talk. But he could tell I was hurting -- too many "It's fine!" in one session. I told him he was supposed to be magic, just *know* what I'm thinking and how hard it all is. I also admitted that I'm sick of saying the same thing over and over again. So if I am, he must be too. And I told him something else was going on, some new feeling that felt afraid and didn't trust him. By the end of the phone call things were mostly OK. He wanted to make sure I would still call him if I needed him, no matter what. That was good to hear.
I thought a lot about why I was so afraid. Going to the pdoc the next day was a big part of it. I felt sent away -- and I felt so young. I remembered what pfingstegg had written about a more timid age state showing up and I realized that both last week and now this one, a very shy, very upset 9 year old was showing up. So I let her write and tried to figure out her story. There is a lot that happened at this age. But I had to get her put away before the pdoc appointment, she would never survive that! I was only partially successful -- the tears showed up a few times during that appointment but I managed to hold them back. When we talked about my husband's anger, her comment to me was, "don't you have any limits?" I really wanted to answer "not when I feel nine!" but I didn't. I let it go, I didn't want to get into it with her -- and she didn't push it very much. I had therapy an hour later, and boy, that nine-year-old was really out then! But this time I was able to see what was happening and talk anyway. I had a new memory "arrive" right there during therapy, which hasn't happened very often. Usually I get a chance to process it in my mind before I say it out loud. I guess the trigger of the pdoc was so big, I couldn't control it.
It ended up being a really hard day overall. And last night was impossibly hard.
So we are back to talking about feeling cornered, not having options and "the plan" such as it is. I hope these feelings are old and will dissipate soon. I'm tired of rating myself -- "on a scale of 1-10 how intense are those thoughts today?" I want to move away from this. I think that was part of shutting down on Monday too. But it almost feels like "it" has a mind of its own and is insisting on being talked about in therapy. Some part of me is trying to save me.
Thank you guys (again and again) for letting me pour so much of this out here. It really does help.
Hugs to All,
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:484009
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050409/msgs/484009.html