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Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... Tabitha

Posted by Larry Hoover on April 5, 2005, at 8:27:59

In reply to Re: I don't know where else to post this, so..... Larry Hoover, posted by Tabitha on April 5, 2005, at 0:32:19

> Congratulations on making that connection, Larry. It's a long road to sort that stuff out and learn to separate the past from the present.

Thanks, Tab.

I want to follow on in that theme, because that's part of the anguish. I made the intellectual connection long ago, and of course, you need that, if you are ever to be able to try and bring your adult self into play when the little monster is having a tirade.

What I find most troublesome, just now anyway, is the sense that the adult me isn't even present during these episodes, at least not in the form of judgment. I don't know whose judgment I was using, but it didn't feel like mine at all. Nobody else would know that, of course, and I'm absolutely not trying to deflect any responsibility, but it feels like I'm left to pick up the mess that was made by someone else. In this case, it was (almost) said by someone else, and I actually have a great deal of difficulty recalling what was's almost like *I* wasn't even there. Little beggar has full access to my vocabulary and style of rhetoric, though.

That upset little monster can and will do or say almost anything. And, if the triggering situation is one that might recur, or if dealing with the prior episode is itself triggering, I can get into compound episodes of the little beggar doing or saying things that are not part of my adult better judgment. Moreover, it's not until months later, sometimes, that I can even begin to figure it out (e.g. a multiple trigger situation).

I got lucky this time (or the therapy really is helping), in that I rather quickly made it to a place of pseudo-objectivity, where I could begin to take observations, gather impressions, and try and smooth things out a bit.

I *know* it is me who did/said these things, but I don't feel true ownership of it, either. Not when I'm left exhausted, mentally spinning, and thinking to myself "What the f*ck was that?".

Sort of an aside....I think there was some talk over here (maybe I saw it somewhere else) that some aspects of borderline and DID could be thought of as variants or extremes of PTSD reactions. Even though I never get into those realms, that would seem to make a lot of sense to me.

I appreciate all the support I'm getting. I guess you guys do understand.





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