Posted by daisym on February 24, 2005, at 0:34:32
In reply to Re: Making mole hills - slight trigger » B2chica, posted by daisym on February 23, 2005, at 15:59:17
So today I took in this thread. Pretty much all of it. I read to him my original post and then the follow up stuff. I made myself be brutally honest of the intensity of my feelings. And I wanted to die of embarrassment every minute of telling him. I said, "I'm not going to turn into Kathy Bates, I swear. But I can't get these feelings to go away." I made it clear that the feelings weren't sexual in anyway. (yes, more intensely embarressing questions.)
We talked about separation anxiety and I said it should never be allowed to happen to adults. It is mind-blowingly painful. I'll never look at another toddler crying for her mother the same way again. I fell apart when he agreed with what Falls said about wanting to matter. I do want to matter to him -- in almost a desperate way. And then I went quiet and held my breath.
He asked me what I expected him to say -- so I said this is where he tells me I have to be transfered, that I've gone over the top. He just shook his head and said, "Nope." After much poking and prodding he finally told me that what I was feeling was "normal and expected" and he does want to hear about it. That I'm not "scary" and he is really Ok with how we are working together. He even said, "why wouldn't you want to matter? Of course you want that."
We talked a lot about the fear of caring for someone and having them care about you. About strings that are often attached to relationships and power differentials. And we talked about social messages of right and wrong, especially as they relate to therapy and therapists. It was a really good conversation.
And I'm calmer than I was. But I'm still having a hard time with this. It still feels out of control and wrong. Needing and wanting so much attention -- this from the person who doesn't draw attention to herself unless I can completely control the situation. It gets easier right? Eventually these feelings come back down into to normal range? He tells me they ease off -- WHEN!!!??
poster:daisym
thread:462001
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050218/msgs/462552.html