Posted by Susan47 on February 4, 2005, at 19:55:34
In reply to Re: panic, hate, need help » mair, posted by Susan47 on February 4, 2005, at 19:27:54
of talking to my therapist at his home, on his home phone, he walked through a room where his child was playing piano, practicing something beautiful. It killed me to hear, it absolutely killed me to hear that. It triggered major amounts of stuff about my own self and my eldest son, I was jealous and sad from that moment on, and I told him that the playing was beautiful and that it took a lot of love to have a child play like that, and all he said was a"Well, thank you." And the next session I brought it up, I brought up the playing and the inadequacy I felt because I never got past a certain grade and my dad used to yell horribly, frighteningly, and I remember him once hitting my fingers, it was so scary, he was my "teacher", and I endured it for ten years ... and I know I could've played beautifully, I'm smart and gifted and it's in my soul but oh it's too too late now, it's too late, and it hurts so much. And we never talked about it. Why? Or did we talk about it? Maybe we did, but we never brought up the fact that I was jealous. Maybe he never knew that? Maybe that's what drove me to be so intense.