Posted by fallsfall on May 6, 2004, at 12:40:55
In reply to Re: Now more anger.. » tabitha, posted by Dinah on May 6, 2004, at 9:22:08
Tabitha,
I have not been keeping up with all of the threads, and I didn't read this one until just now.
As I read your two initial posts I just kept shaking my head in agreement. Your situation seems so familiar to me. Being angry at my therapist. Having him tell me I'm distorting. Seeing that he might be making some sense. Being even angrier. Feeling unsupported. Feeling attacked. Wanting to leave. Wishing that he would be nice to me for just ONE session. Frustration. Not knowing how to "fix" things.
I think that my experience and yours have some real similarities. Tell me if you don't agree.
It is so frustrating, so agonizing...
But recently, two important things have happened for me.
The first is that I now believe that he is right - that I do perpetuate my depression, that my depression is more palatable than something else. I even know what the something else is. And I have told him. If we look back in the Babble archives, I think that we will find that in July or August of last year (I saw him for the first time June 16, and started with him on July 2) or at least some time very early on he told me that I was a "permanent patient". I was incensed. I remember talking to Dinah about it, and she was madder than I was. How could he say that I wasn't trying to get better? He was right, and he has known it all along. Since figuring out why I perpetuate my depression I have started feeling better. I just removed a years worth of dog hair from the couch the dogs sleep on when I'm out of the house. I have ambition for the first time in years.
The second thing is that I am starting to look to the future, to what could be, to what I can do, to what I WANT to do. What a change from seeing only what I couldn't do, what I wasn't.
I have been through hell for the last 4 months or so. I have a friend who went to Australia at the beginning of February, and I know that I've been so miserable that I couldn't even email her about what was happening. He is unrelenting. He is calm (almost all the time). At least half the time I can't see how he could possibly care - the other half of the time I'm amazed that he can care so much.
But he has been right.
And I'll probably be in the middle of pain again by next week, but I *HAVE* to say that I am making significant progress. I wouldn't have said that a month ago - I would only have talked about the pain.
Your therapist has impressed me, as have you. You ARE open to learning, to seeing that what you believe isn't working, to trying something new. She HAS proved right in the past about important things.
You have learned a lot in group. Most of it painfully, but still you have learned a lot. I think it is a valuable experience for you, and I think that talking about group during your individual sessions is completely appropriate. When I was in group it was often the topic of my individual sessions, too.
I understand your frustration (again, ask me next week). I think you should stick it out, and do your very best to be totally honest with her about how you are feeling. I accused my therapist of scheduling a special session because he wanted to yell at me - not because he was concerned about me. He listened, and told me that I was wrong. I felt like a complete jerk, but I do believe him now - and he doesn't see me as a jerk, he sees that I had something to learn.
Through most of this pain, my friends agreed with me that he was being unreasonable and cruel. I don't understand why, but I do believe now that he was being effective.
Utter and complete openness and honesty. *I* think you are getting someplace (of course, what do I know??).
My best wishes,
Falls.
poster:fallsfall
thread:343053
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040503/msgs/343997.html