Posted by Ilene on April 24, 2004, at 14:45:12
In reply to Second of two homework assignments, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2004, at 17:35:58
> And I think this one has some value questions involved.
>I read an entire book on the meaning of clothing, and there are other books out there on the same subject.
> We talked about the fact that I feel uncomfortable around well groomed and socially ept people. And he lept on the well groomed part, as he does whenever I mention grooming.
>You've alread thrown a value judgement out here when you mention "well" groomed. I assume you keep yourself and your clothing clean and reasonably tucked in, so what you are talking about is style, not cleanliness or neatness, and you associate that with social grace. Part of social comfort is knowing the rules for both appearance and behavior.
> He thinks that I should dress more to fit in with those around me. Do at least minimal makeup and style the hair a bit. Admittedly this is because I mentioned my own discomfort around others who I perceive are better groomed than myself. And I fear that they will have a negative perception of me because of my looks and my casual and somewhat eccentric approach to dress.
>Do you think this negative perception is (or might be) based *solely* on how you dress?
> My therapist thinks it's fine to dress as I do, braid my hair, wear camisoles instead of bras, no makeup, and tennies sometimes. But he also thinks that there are times I should dress to conform. And he gave some examples from his own life where changing the way he dressed changed the way he perceived himself as well as how others perceived him.
>There are definitely times when it's a good idea to conform. Religious observances, for example. It's clear if you don't dress in an appropriate way that you are showing disrespect. The same is true, to a lesser degree, in other situations.
> My belief is that people need to accept me as I am, or not accept me at all.So--if I don't agree with your choice in skirts, or artwork, or food, I should reject you entirely?
>I felt that way in middle school when I wouldn't shorten my skirts or press my pleats if that's what it took to be accepted, and I feel that way now. He says I'm stubborn, and while that's a good trait to have sometimes, it's not working in my best interests now.
>
> I see this almost as a moral issue, stubborn wench that I am.Appearance issues are often fraught with "morality". How a person dressed when I was a kid (in the 60's) was a statement of values and politics.
>Why can't people see past the fashionable footwear to see the person?
It's more work than most people want to do. You're asking a lot. People are also more comfortable when they think you are going to act in a predictable way, and they make predictions partly on how you look.
>On the other hand, I suppose I'm doing a bit of reverse prejudice by feeling insecure around the fashionable. That probably affects how I treat them, after all. No, on the other hand, I'm no more outgoing around the unfashionable so there is probably no outward manifestation of my discomfort.
>
> So is my therapist right? Should I don makeup, bras, reasonably fashionable shoestyles, clothing, and hairstyle so that I feel less insecure around others? Or should I insist on feeling comfortable as I am?It doesn't sound like you are actually comfortable, even when you are around people who dress the same way you do.
Sometimes wearing clothing that is a little uncomfortable is a sign of respect, because it shows you are putting some effort into pleasing another person. That's one reason we don't stay in our jammies all day.
The only way to find out if you feel less insecure when you dress more stylishly is to do so, and do it more than once. You will probably feel self-conscious at first.
I found when I first started wearing "business attire" (e.g. a suit) that people treated me differently, depending on who they were--people in stores were more deferential, while anti-corporate types were almost insulting.
I think how you dress is your own business, but what you choose to wear inevitably makes a public statement. You telegraph different statements by wearing certain things. If you want to put other people at ease then dress the way they do.
poster:Ilene
thread:339292
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/339569.html