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Re: Second of two homework assignments » Dinah

Posted by fallsfall on April 24, 2004, at 8:52:18

In reply to Second of two homework assignments, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2004, at 17:35:58

>Admittedly this is because I mentioned **MY OWN** discomfort around others who I perceive are better groomed than myself. And **I FEAR** that they will have a negative perception of me because of my looks and my casual and somewhat eccentric approach to dress.

>Should I don makeup, bras, reasonably fashionable shoestyles, clothing, and hairstyle so that **I FEEL** less insecure around others? Or should **I INSIST ON FEELING** comfortable as I am?

*** As I read this post, Dinah, it is not about how other people perceive your appearance. This post is about how **You Feel** about your appearance.

First, you need to decide if you *want* to feel more comfortable with other people. You may be using your discomfort as a defense - it may be a convenient way to keep you from getting too close. I think your motivation for you son is both appropriate and important. Your social skills CAN impact his social opportunities. This would be weighed when you are deciding if you *want* to feel more comfortable.

If you decide that you do want to feel more comfortable, then you need to recognize what is making you uncomfortable. You don't say that people come up to you and say "Your clothes look rediculous". You didn't give any examples of "proof" that your clothes/hair/makeup have ever illicited any overt comments from anyone. But you DO say repeatedly that *YOU* make judgements based on the way that you are dressed.

So if *you* want to feel more comfortable I think you have two choices:

1. You can change your clothes/makeup/hair so that you feel more like you fit in

2. You can decide that you will stop feeling uncomfortable with your current appearance

Of course, the third choice is:

3. You can decide that you "like" feeling uncomfortable (that it gives you some benefit) and make no changes.

*** Disclaimer: I am an unstylish person. I haven't worn make up since my wedding 20+ years ago. My hair is straight (60's style) and I cut it about once a year to even off the bottom. I wash it, comb it and it dries (eventually). I have received lots of Tshirts from companies or events I've been connected with - I wear them because I own them and they were free. I wear sandels when there is not snow on the ground. I don't shave my legs (my leg hair is blond and not heavy, most people don't know). I do dress "up" for work - usually a midcalf skirt (very full, they are more comfortable), and a plain colored Tshirt (just a tiny bit "fancier" than normal). My biggest concern is whether I wore the same outfit the last time I saw the same people because then they might figure out that I don't do laundry very often.

My sister is a fashion designer in NYC. Her clothing is not very mainline. She had a pocketbook that was made from a car's innertube. It had a license plate for the flap, and the strap was made out of a seatbelt. She buys two pairs of socks (one with a red pattern on black, the other with the same pattern, but black on red), and wears one sock from each pair. Her clothes are black, red, and leopard print. They make a statement about who she is - that she is creative, that she makes decisions for herself (the fashion world - of which she is a part - is not going to tell her what to wear), that she is bold, that she likes the fact that she is unique.

My clothes say that I like to be comfortable, that I have better things to do with my time and money than shop. I do wear different things in different environments (i.e. I don't wear skirts at home and I don't wear blue jeans to work), but that is more because *I* want it that way, than that anyone told me I needed to do that.

After I had been home as a housewife when my first two kids were very little, I went back to work as a software engineer. Most software engineers wear bluejeans and Tshirts. I wore suits (with skirts) because I was so happy to be able to put something on that made *me* feel competent and not end up with food (or worse) or playdoh all over it. It was contrary to the culture for me to dress up, but I wanted to and I did. They got used to it, and I would get comments if I ever wore jeans the same way that comments were made if my officemate ever wore a skirt.

This has a lot more to do with whether *you* are comfortable in your appearance, than in *what* your appearance is. If *you* are comfortable with the way you look, everybody else will be, too.

 

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