Posted by Medusa on April 24, 2004, at 5:12:58
In reply to Second of two homework assignments, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2004, at 17:35:58
This topic is near and dear and sensitive and primal for me.
Based on my own experience, I disagree with your therapist's approach to the issue. He might be very pleased with the appearances of the process I went (am going) through, but it sounds to me like he's suggesting moral/value compromises that I could just never stomach.
I agree with the way you articulate this:
> My belief is that people need to accept me as I am, or not accept me at all.
>
The thing is, my way of dressing presented a continuous challenge to those around me. Plenty of them accepted me as I was. Many others made it VERY clear that, based on my appearance, I was Not Okay. I depended on my slouchy looks to do this sorting for me.Unfortunately, this is a superficial sorting procedure, and I thereby underestimated my ability to figure out who really valued me for me. I also _over_estimated the ability ( and time and energy and awareness) of others, many who are good people with lots of their own pressures to manage, to guage my character and the essence of my person.
Most people don't have time to sit and get to know you before making at least some arbitrary judgement calls on where you might fit in their own lives and values systems. For me, I'd rather be the one making the calls. I figured out that if I removed enough visual barriers to others' desire to know me, *I* became the one figuring out who *I* wanted to know, and the others made more positive effort (rather than the negative-oriented effort it takes to decide to overlook superficial disturbances).
> Should I don makeup, bras, reasonably fashionable shoestyles, clothing, and hairstyle so that I feel less insecure around others?
>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a sort of false either/or situation. There are other options!
I feel like you might not be permitting yourself a full range of choices, Dinah.
>Or should I insist on feeling comfortable as I am?
>YES. Comfort is key. I don't wear anything that feels any less comfortable than my pajamas.
Another huge, huge aspect of this for me has been performance and raw ability. I hate the idea of being judged "better" or worth more because I found some clothes on a rack that fit and I was able to pay for them or get someone to buy them for me. I found that by making my own clothing, I satisfied my need to know that a "you look nice" happened because of what I can do, because of abilities I have that they don't. Most of my clothes don't look "home-made" - high-quality fabrics sewn into very simple designs generally look expensive and classic.I've written this quickly under influence of a splitting headache and haven't really organised my thoughts well ... let me know if any of it makes sense to you.
poster:Medusa
thread:339292
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/339449.html