Posted by Penny on January 7, 2004, at 9:33:44
In reply to Re: Why my therapist is mad at me - this time » Eddie Sylvano, posted by Dinah on January 7, 2004, at 9:03:46
> No, it hasn't been this way all my life. I was the golden girl, the wunderkind. Not pretty or anything, but smart and productive. Teachers loved me, bosses begged me never to leave.
- I can certainly see this in you.
> I know why my bosses are angry with me, and they aren't wrong.- Perhaps not, but, truly, try to tell yourself that they aren't angry with YOU as a person, they are angry with something to do with your work. I'm doing the same thing - I know my boss is angry with me, but I HAVE to detach from it and tell myself (convincingly!) that his anger is not a reflection of the things in life that really matter. Not that work doesn't matter - but even if you aren't getting your work done satisfactorily, that doesn't make you a bad person, Dinah. You are a wonderful human being. You are just having some trouble right now.
> My husband is critical of everyone including my delightful son, so I tend to discount him other than to want to hurt myself.- That's good that you can discount him - see that just because he's being critical doesn't mean he has reason to be!
> But my therapist *knows* all of me. If he thinks I'm annoying that means more than the rest. If he's angry with me a lot, I must be anger producing. That's an indictment of who I am to my toes.- BUT - your therapist is HUMAN. Which means that just because he KNOWS you doesn't mean that his feelings toward or about you aren't off base, at least some of the time! I really tend to think that your T is so close to the situation - has been seeing you for so long - that he's not as objective as perhaps he should be. I wonder if (and think that) his anger toward you isn't really more of a reflection of his inability to make you into someone you're not. Does he feel like a failure? Like if you make a mistake, or what he might see as a mistake (whether or not it really is a 'mistake') after being his client for so long, that it speaks to his ability as a therapist?
You say "If he thinks I'm annoying that means more than the rest." I know the tendency is to weigh his words/feelings more heavily b/c he IS your therapist - but he's NOT perfect, and his words/feelings aren't ALWAYS going to be accurate - even if he knows you well, better than most, doesn't mean his view of you is necessarily 100 percent accurate!
"If he's angry with me a lot, I must be anger producing." Or perhaps he's just an angry person. Personally, and I truly do believe this, people who are angry a lot, regardless of who the anger is directed toward, are mostly angry with themselves for something. You are not in that therapy room with his other patients. I know that you sometimes tell yourself that he's more frustrated with you than with his other patients, that he dislikes you more, etc., but perhaps this is just how he is? I really think that you would have an entirely different perspective from a different therapist. And biofeedback guy doesn't count. I think if you had been in therapy for all these years with a different therapist, that T might have an entirely different take on you.
I'm so afraid of people being angry with me that I freak out and shut down when they are. Just like when my former T was angry with me for finding out her address, and I became suicidal. My current T, who doesn't seem to get angry at me, bless her, said that that is the type of situation where DBT training could help. After my boss confronted me recently for not getting my work done, I went home and was a mess, and wanted to hurt myself, and sat on the phone with my pdoc for 30 minutes. And he helped me put that in perspective. And both he and my T have helped me to understand (and I am STILL struggling with this) that when someone is angry with me, it is not the end of the world. People are entitled to feel however they are going to feel, but we can't let ourselves be overly affected by the feelings of others. I know, easier said than done.
Dinah, YOU are a wonderful person, a caring, thoughtful, compassionate, loving, kind, sincere, honest, intelligent individual who obviously, judging from the other posts on this thread, has lots of friends and people pulling for you. I wish I could do more to help you through all of this. It sucks, really. Listen to your friends - we know you too! Try to let the anger of your therapist, your husband, your bosses, etc., roll off you and absorb the love and compassion that you deserve.
Take care.
P
poster:Penny
thread:297437
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040102/msgs/297566.html