Posted by Dinah on December 4, 2003, at 15:45:21
Therapy today turned to the changes since we have agreed to have him be more challenging and less supportive. It was such a hard thing to describe. Therapy used to be like this safe harbor, peach and pink and gold like a sunrise, and with my therapist there, open and receptive but with a solid core.
It not only felt safe, it was my safety. At the end of session, I could take a piece of that safety away to sustain me in the threatening world until the next session. I could only hold on to it for a few days, but it was reassuring while it lasted and helped me face the world.
Now I get glimpses of my pink and peach and gold safety, but it's different now. The best I could come up with, and it's imperfect and I'm going to try to work on it more, yet it also contains a core of truth... My therapist no longer feels open and receptive with a solid core. He feels more like a boxer who dances a lot, very light on his feet, very aware and alert. On his toes. But perhaps it's an unfortunate metaphor. It seemed to make him feel defensive.
It's not that I feel unsafe (like, well, the rest of my life does). I just no longer feel safe. I don't think he gets the difference between feeling unsafe and not feeling safe. It seems so obvious to me.
I'm not being critical. I thought it was understood that if I was going to be challenged more, I quite probably wasn't going to like it. I probably wouldn't feel as safe. That all also seems obvious to me. How can it feel as safe, how can he feel the same, when things aren't the same. When what I say will be "challenged" in a different way than he did before.
It's not like he didn't challenge me before. He always felt like he was constrained, but the truth was that he could challenge me. If he did it gently, with humor, sort of sliding it in, he could challenge me without the overall atmosphere being changed.
But we mutually agreed on the atmosphere being changed. Why is he surprised when I comment on it? When I miss what was?
I guess it's possible that eventually as the memories of safety fade and if they aren't replaced, the attachment I feel towards him (which was always based on the safety) will lessen to the point that I no longer will find therapy important enough to me to make the sacrifices that come with the territory. But there's no immediate chance of that happening.
poster:Dinah
thread:286568
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031202/msgs/286568.html