Posted by kara lynne on November 6, 2003, at 23:03:55
I'm feeling really split. My counselor has been there for me in many ways over the last 10 years, and lately even offered to help me get my business started at her office. She professes to be a friend and someone I can count on.
Wednesday I had an appt. to see her and she forgot about it. That happens, I guess. I rescheduled for today and it felt like we were swimming through molasses trying to communicate. I gave her an email I wanted her to read and as she was reading she kept looking up, trying to figure out who was talking outside the door. This is an office and a lot of people talk outside the door--she wasn't paying attention, plain and simple. She seemed bored with what I was saying. Then she would take a sorry swipe at pretending to pay attention, but seemed to be relying on formulaic responses rather than actually listening. I mentioned that we seemed to be 'missing each other' and she agreed. She also said the energy felt thick, and it had all day to her.
She was so distracted reading the email that she started giving automatic disapproval of the woman who wrote it-because that's what she expected I wanted. If anything I would have preferred the opposite canned response, but what I really wanted was for her to pay attention to the content: in it this woman had recalled an incident in Jr. High school where a girl had come up behind me and kicked me hard enough to make me cry. She said in retrospect she thought the girl who kicked me was jealous, and that I was targeted because I had a strong presence. It was a supportive email, whether or not it was true--which almost didn't matter.
That time in my life was really traumatic; I did get targeted in school, so much so that I had to be moved to a private school, and from there I entered a psychiatric hospital for depression. Today my counselor said, 'The girl probably kicked you because you were short and knew you wouldn't fight back.' Well it's ok if she thinks I don't have presence--maybe she was worried I would have delusions of grandeur. But I would have preferred a nice delusion of grandeur next to her response, which didn't help me at all.
Then she as good as asked me what response she should be giving me, and what I wish I'd said was 'an authentic one, please'. But she seemed far more concerned with the (inconsequential) noise in the other room than whatever that email might have meant to me.
I can't help but think that she doesn't do this with other clients no matter how 'thick' the energy is. Since I work for her I pretty much know, and I don't think I've ever seen her full out miss an appointment altogether. Yesterday I wasn't feeling well and she said, 'Oh, maybe that's why I forgot the appt.' which made me incredibly angry. Reminds me of all that 70's encounter group mumbo jumbo, where women were told they were responsible for being raped. (I apologize in advance to anyone sensitive to that; I am in no way endorsing the philosophy, but I have been unfortunate enough to hear it.)
Monday she is taking me to lunch to meet with another woman in my profession so I can get tips on how to start a business. That would be evidence for opposing counsel--the side that argues she really is my friend and cares about me. But this other behavior has me scratching my head not knowing what to think. And feeling really badly about it.
I know she's human. People are imperfect, people forget. But this is troubling me, and all the more troubling because she would be the person I would be talking about this kind of thing to, but it's about her so I can't. I'm pretty good about bringing up stuff that gets in the way--I told her I had a moment where I took it personally yesterday that she forgot our appt. But this added so much injury to the insult that I don't think I could address it, at least not now. I also think she might be feeling a little defensive about yesterday and maybe that made things worse today, but I don't know.
Meanwhile I'm trying not to let it interfere too much with the next time I see her, which will be Monday--the day we meet for lunch with that woman.
How do you not take such an incident personally? I'm not sure whether that's possible, or even appropriate. Maybe it is personal and I need to figure out what to do about it. I sat crying in my chicken ceaser tonight over this. But I didn't let it stop me from getting more dressing and extra croutons.
I don't know what to think.
poster:kara lynne
thread:277342
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031030/msgs/277342.html