Posted by fallsfall on August 6, 2003, at 10:37:07
In reply to Re: Borderline Personality and domestic abuse » fallsfall, posted by Alleecat64 on August 5, 2003, at 22:57:55
You ask very hard questions. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. Borderlines have a reputation with therapists as being difficult for therapists to deal with. So you can imagine how difficult we are to deal with for our significant others. Please understand this to mean that your job is very hard, and that if you don't make the progress that you want to right away that it doesn't mean that you weren't trying, or doing the right things. It means that the job is very hard.
It sounds like you have more understanding than most people do of what it is like to be Borderline. That will really help. He is so lucky that you care enough to try to understand.
I was trying to think of what you could do to ease his fear of abandonment. This fear is really more like a terror. When it hits me I feel like if the person leaves me then I will die. Not that it will be really painful, but that I literally will die. When I am fighting to get someone to stay, I am fighting for my life. You are right, that it doesn't matter if the person WILL leave - the only thing that matters is that I THINK the person will leave. So explaining that the person isn't going anywhere doesn't solve the problem - because the problem is not the reality, but what I THINK the reality is. Just thinking about what to suggest to you to ease his fear makes me incredibly anxious! I guess all I can suggest is to have him talk about why he thinks you would leave, and to listen carefully to what he says. His "reason" my not make sense to you (because you know that reality wouldn't work that way), but his "reason" is what you need to dispute.
You are doing the right thing when you set boundaries. Borderlines can consume your whole life. You need to decide what boundaries you need in order to be a functioning, sane person. Your therapist should be able to help you define what is healthy and not healthy for you. Then you tell him that these boundaries are something that you need to be healthy yourself. Tell him (though he won't believe it now) that they are not a punishment for him. Tell him that you love him. Set down the rules - kindly but firmly. AND THEN STICK BY THEM. Do NOT bend your rules. My therapist set down rules for me (about contact outside the session, for instance). I hated those rules, but I knew that they were FOR her, not AGAINST me. I loved her enough to live with her rules - it was something I could do FOR her. I hate to say it, but it is like dealing with a 3 year old. The rules have to be clear and absolute, or he will test and push and it will be miserable for both of you.
You may be able to push him towards help if you can help him recognize what behaviors in his life make him miserable. Then he can get help to learn to replace those behaviors so he will be happier. He would have to be doing it in order to be happier himself - I don't think it will work if he is trying to please you. I recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Borderlines. I did CBT for 8 1/2 years and it gave me the tools that I need to cope. I'm now in Psychodynamic therapy because I found that CBT didn't give me what I needed to *change*, only what I needed to *cope*. But I don't think that I would have been able to survive with Psychodynamic therapy in the beginning.
Here is a message board for BPD. If you post on this board you will get a wider view. The people on this board are all working hard to get better and tend to be quite optimistic. http://pub69.ezboard.com/bashrisen40890
He is VERY lucky to have you in his life. I hope he realizes that in time.
Let me know how it goes.
poster:fallsfall
thread:248185
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030711/msgs/248586.html