Posted by fallsfall on August 5, 2003, at 17:55:24
In reply to Re: Borderline Personality and domestic abuse » fallsfall, posted by Alleecat64 on August 5, 2003, at 12:14:37
I can tell you how things are for me. But I'm really not a typical Borderline person. I am not impulsive, nor am I angry. Those, I think, are the two symptoms that people most often associate with Borderline.
I do have an incredible fear of abandonment. I also see everything in black and white (splitting). I have problems in determining my self worth. So it is a slightly different collection of symptoms than most Borderline people. But I do "feel" borderline - mostly because of the splitting and the fear of abandonment.
There is a fine line between expecting too much and expecting too little. I saw this in terms of chores (dishes, in my case), but it would be true across the board, I think. If you ask too much the BPD will be overwhelmed and shut down. If you ask too little (i.e. do it for them) then they feel unneeded and will just vegetate. There is a principle called shaping. With this you give positive reinforcement whenever the task is done better than it has been before. So your expectations rise with the increased performance. This way you are stepping up gradually what you expect, and not accepting laziness.
I think it is helpful when the BPD's sense of reality is off (i.e. when I'm convinced that somebody hates me and will never speak to me again - i.e. abandonment) to do two things. First, you have to let them know that you understand that FOR THEM this is an unbearable situation. If you tell them that nobody is going to abandon them they will only feel misunderstood (which is something that probably happened a lot in their life). You have to understand what it is like to be them. After you do that, then you can say "I know that it seems like Joe leaving is a true thing. But I think that in reality Joe had to go see his sick mother." Again, you have to let them know that you know what life is like for them. Then you can try to give them the truth. Don't expect them to agree with you. Maybe next year. But you have to do this over and over so you can get started now.
Validation is important (and it is touched on above). Be very careful not to try to tell them that what they see/feel is wrong. They see things they way they do for a reason - plus that IS their reality.
Try to come up with a plan in advance for what you can do to help when they are really upset. One person might want to be held. Another wants to be alone. Another wants to talk. You will have to ask them what they want.
P.S. I have heard it said that the staff in Psychiatric Hospitals can tell who is Borderline by looking for the Teddy Bears on the beds. My teddy bear is named Bear. I've heard that some hospitals won't let you bring stuffed animals in (patients were hiding sharps in them) - what a shame. So, if your favorite Borderline doesn't have a stuffed animal I would recommend that you give them one!
poster:fallsfall
thread:248185
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030711/msgs/248357.html