Posted by Morgen on July 21, 2003, at 11:27:07
In reply to Re: Forever therapy- Dinah, Morgen, posted by judy1 on July 21, 2003, at 11:06:53
Yes, I do feel abandoned, like one of you mentioned. And of course, I recognize its not rational, though there are parts of me that argue that it is. For instance, I’ve been coming to sessions now for over a year, and among our very first sessions were discussions about how it was difficult for me to open up because I knew our relationship was temporary. My very first tears in her office were roused in one of those conversations, to which, when she asked me to express my feelings, I answered in reaction, “I hate it that people aren’t in my life forever!” Four months ago when I was mad at her about something entirely different, she asked if I was pushing her away in preparation of leaving. At the point of that conversation, we actually had more time together then she realized, but I am so mad at her for not picking up on the fact that if, five months away from terminating our relationship I can’t keep from crying when we talk about it, then I need a lot of preparation for it. I know I downplayed and actively avoided the subject since then, but dammit, I needed her to push it.
I generally tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and in my relationships with others that’s okay with me. I usually want people to know how I feel. But, even though I know she has to know because the heart-on-sleeve habit dies hard, I’ve been much less express about how important she is to me than I would be in other relationships. I think this is partly -- though only partly -- because I fear rejection of my feelings as not being real (aka transference). One of you asked me what diagnosis I was looking for and what transference meant to me. By “diagnosis,” I was referring to a situation where my feelings – which seem to me to be wholly sincere and reasonable substantively, just too intense – are dismissed as merely “transference” feelings. On the other hand, its impossible not to recognize that the number one reason I’ve avoided talking with my therapist about this upcoming termination is that it is humiliating. Its bad enough that I have to feel so strongly, its worse that I have to feel it in front of her. I can’t believe I actually signed up for a one-way relationship. As if the many other experiences with other people, where I was the only one who felt anything, weren’t enough.
(Incidentally, I looked into talking with another therapist about this for that very reason, but he had moved since I’d last seen him and wasn’t available. I guess, in a way, I’m posting here instead.)
On the other hand, though part of me dreads the word transference, part of me would love to have a natural, normal, “excuse” for feeling so intense. Then it wouldn’t be quite so embarrassing and I might be able to talk about it more.
Sorry for such a long ramble. Thanks for your support, it really is helpful.
Morgen
poster:Morgen
thread:220332
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030711/msgs/243885.html