Posted by Dinah on December 20, 2002, at 5:08:48
In reply to Re: more info..., posted by Tabitha on December 20, 2002, at 0:14:09
I could have written much of this post myself.
> I keep thinking what if I quit, and then see it completely differently, and have regrets. You know how you can be stuck in a crappy love relationship or belief system for ages, then once you get away from it, you get perspective, and see how it wasn't really so great, and how much it was really costing.Yes, I understand that. How do you really know unless you quit? My therapist would take me back, so I wouldn't have the fear of losing him (I've fired him a half dozen times in the earlier years, so I'm pretty sure he would.)
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> Yet I feel like I'd die without it. I just get this huge feeling of pressure from events (mostly work right now). If I didn't have the outlet of the sessions, I don't know what I'd do.But the thought of quitting, even for a while, terrifies me. I do have the periods of time while my therapist is out of town, and that gives me some idea. I go on autopilot and shut down emotionally I think (with periodic meltdowns from suppressed emotions). Would that change over time? Maybe, but it sounds like my life before therapy, so I'm not sure.
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> Well you get the picture -- I'm conflicted!
>
I know the feeling!!> And I do talk about this stuff with her. Which is of course absurd. Maybe this is just the new cloak of my resistance. For the first several years, I was constantly having an internal argument about whether I should be going to therapy at all. I'd go in with my complaints about therapy to her, and she'd just put out there her reasons for thinking it was helping me, and they didn't really sink in, but at one point I just decided to have faith in her. Long after that, I noticed I no longer had the internal struggle about it.
Sounds familiar to me. :) I caused myself a lot of pain. I think that in me it was the push/pull fear/attraction of a level of connectedness that was scary to me given my history of pain being associated with connection to others.
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> I'll be shopping or something, and be reluctant to spend $20 on something, and the contrast just hits me between that and how much I rather thoughtlessly shell out each week for talk-time. It seems so shameful! Maybe it's the old entitlement issue again-- that voice that says I don't deserve so much support, even if I can afford it right now. Like shame on you, you shouldn't need so much therapy.OK, you lost me there. I'm not great at managing money in any area of my life. :)
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> As I type this, I'm thinking shame on me for such a long post! And for being so confused. Sheesh.((Tabitha)). You still need to treat yourself as compassionately as you treat others.
Dinah
poster:Dinah
thread:1889
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021109/msgs/1913.html