Posted by Tabitha on December 19, 2002, at 3:03:07
Every so often I panic over how much I spend on therapy. It's thousands per year, and has been going up. I have the last appt of the day, and my therapist will do 2-3 hour sessions with me. Plus she does phone sessions, yet I've cut down on that. All this at $120 per 50 minutes. It's getting to be over $10,000 a year out of pocket, though I do tax deduct that amount.
I have a good income now, but I can't help think how my life could be different if I was not spending the money. I could afford double the mortgage payment, meaning a way nicer house or location. I could have a much better "stuff" like clothes and furniture. A new car every 2 years. Or the really appealing option-- I could save more and retire sooner. My profession is not kind to older workers, so I never really feel secure. I keep imagining I'll be old and unable to afford decent meds because I've not saved enough during my earning years.
I keep telling myself I should limit the length of the sessions, but it just feels so good to unload all my stresses in therapy. I just start in with everything that's bothering me, and before I know it 2 hours have passed.
It seems like I need the high-stress job to afford the therapy, and I need the therapy to cope with the high-stress job. I'm a hamster in a wheel.
I wonder if it's really helping. My therapist of course says I'm improving, but I feel stuck. Even if I am improving, that's not proof that the therapy is helping. It seems like I'd have to quit to be able to tell whether I need it or not, but then I'd lose my time slot. Plus I'm afraid to quit, because she's my lifeline at this point, the only person who really consistently makes me feel better when I talk to her. I know it feels good, but is it really improving my life to talk about my problems so much?
I imagine if I just stopped going, I'd be forced to find resources within myself to cope. Or else I'd do worse.
I've been seeing her for 9 years now. Or is it 11? I'm afraid to check my calendar.
I tried support groups but it didn't reduce the need for therapy time. It might have even increased it, since the more interaction I have with people, the more I need to process. It seems like the only solution is to go on a self-deprivation therapy diet, and force myself to limit the time per week. What a terrifying prospect.
poster:Tabitha
thread:1889
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021109/msgs/1889.html