Posted by Lorelai on October 1, 2002, at 22:31:58
In reply to Re: Disassociative Disorder/Alter Egos, posted by Ginjoint on October 1, 2002, at 21:35:33
> Hi Lorelai...
>
> I'm really sorry that your pdoc felt it was necessary to refer you to someone else. Like Dinah said, I understand it intellectually but rebuilding that closeness with a new person is extremely draining...not to mention the sense of abandonment you might feel. My heart goes out to you.
>
> I don't think what you describe sounds strange at all. I think it's a coping mechanism that creative people are prone to. :) Do you remember everything that happens while "Alice" is in charge? The answer to that might help reveal whether this is a problem or not. You know, it kind of sounds like this alter is a hidden resevoir of strength for you, the kind of friend who helps you move to a new apartment or who shows up with bail money. ;)
>
> Cheers,
> GinjointThanks, Ginjoint!
Interesting that you and Dinah both pointed out the "creative person" idea since I'm a creative writer. I've often wondered if I'd BE an artistic sort if I weren't a little bit of an odd duck. I sometimes feel as though it was some sort of trade-off, that we all start out in the Cosmic Soup and we're given a choice of being bland and "normal," or creative and "out there." (:
Yeah, it's going to be strange getting used to a new pdoc. At least the new one comes highly recommended, but I have such a tough time with new people to begin with. Have always found most people a huge psychic/emotional drain, if that makes any sense. And I've found it difficult to trust and/or relate to pdocs in the past (I am NOT in therapy by choice, but because my friends, fiance and family pretty much insist on it). So I worry I'll just revert to my old ways and clam up or start telling this one what I think she wants to hear, just so she'll be happy. Old tactics.
In answer to whether I always know what's going on when Alice is in charge--most of the time I'm aware of most everything, though sometimes things get spotty (I call 'em memory gaps). And there've been a few times when she's tried to oust men from my life when she didn't want me involved with them, tried to sabotage the relationship by saying or doing things in direct opposition to what I'd been saying/doing (so, okay, she's not a complete angel, but she IS always looking out for my best interests).
When what's going on is extremely traumatic, my level of participation dwindles and, depending on just how traumatic the situation, I either fade in and out or I'm just gone and may never recall the details. I was married to an abusive alcoholic for nearly 10 years and toward the end of our marriage things progressively worsened. He would come home drunk and angry and start getting in my face. Alice would step in, I would zone out, and my now-ex would grow more and more furious because, try as he might, he could get zero reaction from me. Alice is impervious to physical pain. She's impervious to ridicule and intimidation. So those crisis-times when she's stepped in and I've gone blank, she's been a shield and probably kept me from completely losing it.
I guess what bothers me--and it bothers Alice, too (: --is that I don't want to let her go. The pdoc said something today about "pulling it all together" and that felt scary, like she was hinting that Alice had to go in order for me to be okay. I feel like Alice is NOT unhealthy though. Call me insecure, but I'd rather have her around when the chips are down. I do talk to Alice, btw. We have conversations. I never do this when other people are around. I think it's just a technique I've used throughout the years to settle myself down. Maybe--? (:
Thanks for reply and for the concern. It helps!
All the Best,
Lorelai
poster:Lorelai
thread:1196
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20020829/msgs/1200.html