Posted by jay on September 24, 2003, at 17:32:42
Is knowing and loving someone worth the price of losing them?I know it sounds like the obvious question and an obvious answer. This is only about the second time I've been able to talk/communicate about this on here. I've told my story before, and for some reason just letting it enter my mind (I mean..it's on my mind every day and every second..but I hide it from the world..and I hide from the world as well) causes me to break down and get all f***ed up, yet again.
But, back to the question, even after 5-6 or so years, I have a hard time stomaching the question. There is obviously a hole there no medication or amount of therapy will ever be able to fill. I've tried to kill it with anything..from heavy drugs to hiding underneath my sheets for days that turn to weeks and months on end. Yet, I do find...now...I focus on the fact my 'lost ones' love will always be with me, and *nothing* will never, ever break that. As torturing as that is, it oddly provides deep solace. I know, in an academic sense, everything about grief and death possibly published, as I had studied it in social work in school. Yet, it all ended up meaning nothing, and I even ripped my diploma from the frame on the wall and tossed it in the basement. But, all of the knowledge, money, or anything in the world means jack s**t. I am trying so hard to get back to the 'land of the living and loving'. More therapy and even med changes are on the way, but I feel so used up and 'broken', that what kind of gal wants to fall in love with a looser like me? Ohh..I know...self-pity...I am sorry...as I have the goal of 'getting outside of myself' set in my mind. I have a sweet little dog that loves me unconditionally...and I wish, pray so bad the world was like that.
So....here is a song I'd like to dedicate to all of the 'lost ones'..the 'lost souls'. Play it on Windows Media at: http://home.cogeco.ca/~elsamac/olpswot.wma
Let's share a few tears..
Jay
poster:jay
thread:263015
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20030903/msgs/263015.html