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1st anniversary of Dad's death - MADE IT THIS FAR not2late4u

Posted by corafree on January 29, 2005, at 22:42:00

In reply to Re: Has anyone had success on Effexor corafree, posted by not2late4u on January 29, 2005, at 0:08:02

I have tried to commit suicide more than a few times since early 20s, but don't think I've ever gone this long, a year, w/o attempting or at least seeking hospitalization.

Hey, I wonder if I really am strong? People say it, but I think they're just 'ya know' saying it!

I wonder if I am at least strong enough to let someone else lead the way; the Lord and his son, Jesus Christ.

He knew how I screamed and fought like a child w/ arms outstretched, crying 'daddy, daddy, daddy, please don't go, please don't leave me alone here!

Right this moment, I realize he must be quite proud of me for making it this far, and simply sitting her and sharing goodness about life, and for living as best I could though this, prob' most heavy load of my life, I pray, this test of faith.

After I read your post Renee, I realized I would like to talk about this and not just go on and on about how I feel I've failed him, but rather, give myself a pat on the back for doing/living the best I could w/o him for a whole year.

Every morning my first thought is him; every eve wrapped in the blanket/throw he covered himself w/ on the easy chair back in our home. I stand up, wrap it around me, then sort of fall into bed with my arms free for the night's last cig and for my meds.

'Somewhere out there', that song, is my daughter, such an empathetic, but yet not allowing her to jeodpardizing herself, trying to fill the void in me. And, my brother finally spoke to me. I asked him if 'he had my back' and he was like, oh year, always! My one daughter, my youngest sister, and the Lord have held me up, as I've prayed every night for myself and for them.

And then, I find this site. It helped me get through this year. All of you letting me join in, even when I must have sounded like a broken record or just a bystander, was also a very useful tool for me.

My father, walking w/ him, made me feel like I was center stage. Not a man of possessions. He was a dreamer, a person of connection, heart connections w/ anyone that came his way, open and accepting. He never judged me. At my worst, he was at his best. He had long beautiful gray hair; a kindredship w/ American Indian. His work involved programs, studies, and ways of betterment to the lives of Native Americans. That is just one thing about him that made me proud to be his daughter. There were every day things, laughter, laughter at himself. A man who wasn't afraid to be a bit 'out there.' I am nearly 100% sure that he and I were soulmates, or knew each other in another life.

Knowing that things would be difficult in the hospital, that final day, and hwo hard it would be for him and I to speak, to struggle for one last breath, I spoke w/ him about 'us' before that day/time.

I don't know about you all, but sometimes don't we surprise ourselves if we really tell ourselves the truth. Hey, I'm gonna' do that. Well, I think I'm doing it right now. Oh, I'm still crying and aching deeply for his presence, but, I feel God, his son Jesus, and my father, George, would be very proud of me. I didn't start drinking or doing drugs. I didn't try leave the earth to 'go be with Dad.' I kept on keepin' on

That is what I have learned in this first year w/o him. I am strong, maybe not as strong as some, but strong enough for my beloved father and the lord and his son to be satisfied with me.

Being in DBT during this time, learning to handle stress through use of skills, deserves some credit too. Those skills have come in very handy. Proper eating, caring for self, getting to appts, taking care of my own responsibilities, taking a vacation from everything (even if just in your head), feeling the 'moment', not being too harsh on myself, redirecting my thoughts, and acceptance of course, are some of the skills.

This site, you all, deserve a lot of credit also for the kindness shown me, even when I'm making no sense or 'not meaning to, but wasting you time.

I don't go to a bldg each Sunday to gather w/ other people; don't know Renee, but maybe some day I'll do that? No more Latin speaking tho' ... I need good old-fashioned 'talk about living today' skills from the top!

I'm doing fairly good; am sure Dad wants me to remain here and care for his grandchildren, and their children.

Renee, where is he .. my dad? I didn't know what to tell my little sister, when she cried me one day on her way to work, because I'm skeptical. Biggest prob' - yep, skepticism. Where do you believe, where are you sure he is Renee? Radical acceptance ... whoa, I'm not trusting those horses to get me home without the reigns!

How do people just 'accept' and 'believe' w/o question? That's my fleeting thought each day. Maybe it cannot be done? How, or do, you do it?

When I tell God, Jesus, Dad, I believe; they know as well as I that I'm not quite there. But the more I say it the moe I beliee it?!

Anything you can offer which might put me on that path would be appreciated.

I hope you're having a good weekend Renee, cf




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