Posted by uncouth on December 22, 2009, at 21:53:08
In reply to Re: Rejection sensitivity and I want to die again » uncouth, posted by ace on December 22, 2009, at 20:57:33
experienced pdoc is handling my psychopharmacology. and i help too:)
ace thanks for the post.
i am in a haze right now but it was good to read.
i am a jumble of regrets, hopelessness, apathy, anhedonia, more regrets, sensitivity, loss, worry, fatalism, despair. i feel like someone cracked me and im being scrambled on a hot griddle. all the parts of me are being disassociated -- literally falling apart. how in the world is life this hard.
i have squandered so much. 2 degrees from stanford! and yet, living at home, age 29, with parents, no job, no love -- for anyone, from anyone, for myself, from myself.
i look in the mirror -- I CANNOT BELIEVE that is me looking back, and the situation i am in. the hopelessness and feelings of failure...so profound.
my life, it feels like many lives. does this make sense? i look back, elementry school, high school, college, after college, job, the present...they are all fragmented...memories feel like they are lifetimes ago. no sense of continuity, the only thing constant is this pain i've had with me since i was a boy. i hated it when my dad came home smelling of alcohol slurring his words. and he still does it, except i'm 20 years older. but i feel the same.
oh and when i think about what i lost. i was SO CLOSE. i had it all just 2 short years ago. job, woman. and it disappeared, i let it slip through my fingers. blamed the depression. but who knows. all i know is i was hating life and couldn't seal the deal on anything.
now i'm struggling...to say the least. go to sleep at 7.30pm everynight. tv doesn't entertain me...all i see is other people living their lives and i look and say wow it looks so easy for them...whats wrong with me. WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!! what hath God wraught?
these sufferings are so profound, so prolonged, and yet, i don't hve to feel the pain of a lost spouse, or dead child...soem people have so much more to deal with every day. who am i to complain? but...it still hurts. people don't understand. brain is like any other organ...it can malfunction right? independent of any other circumstance.
sh*t f*ck sh*t i'm on so many meds and i dont even know whats real anymore. but i can't throw them away, because then what. then what???
i was a Golden CHild. Smartest in the class, in the neighborhood, in the school. So much potential. And now look at me. Thats what i fear people say about me now "oh he had so much potential, it's so sad". how pathetic. and i agree with them.
i want it all to end. this isn't what i signed up for. why does God let children be abused? alcohol, physical, psychological, sexual, whatever, it's all damaging -- for life. where are you God, i'm angry and don't understand. i've cried out to you, are you listening?
we the mentally ill are given the secret knowledge of suffering. ican't look into the face of a homeless person, someone impoverished, or sick, without feeling empathy now. this has changed me. maybe this is how Jesus felt? the meek inherit the earth....
Time for bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Probably won't, probably will be another wasted day, another day of torment of my own making, another day filled with punishment...WHY am I being punished what have I done? I've been punished since I was a child like this! Have I always been guilty? Lord, why???
-uncouth
poster:uncouth
thread:930381
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20091217/msgs/930436.html