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Re: dysphoric mania

Posted by extremethings on October 1, 2007, at 16:19:09

In reply to Re: dysphoric mania, posted by Spriggy on March 23, 2005, at 15:21:24

I'm looking for someone who can possibly understand me, maybe even guide me towards a better way. I read your post after searching endlessly about bipolar and dyphoric mania, just trying to better understand myself so I don't hate myself so much. How can I love so strongly, yet hurt those same people so badly? What I am about to share I am more ashamed of than any of the other many mistakes and risky behaviors that have been such a part of my life since early adolescence. I am having a personal and marital crisis. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 8. This weekend, I got drunk and a bit out of control, during which time I told my husband's best friend that I loved him and would leave my husband for him if he felt the same way- my husband overheard this. I had an affair with this man and I feel terrible. I feel like a hypocrite because believe it or not, I do love my husband very much and do not want to leave him. This is no excuse for my bad behavior, but I am bipolar, was diagnosed years ago, and have grown up with a bipolar father that disgustingly I've become just like. I am a social worker for God's sakes and I can't keep my own life together. I love my work, but if I destroy myself, I'll never be right for my students (I work with special education students). This weekend, in a depressed and hateful rage towards myself, I cut up my arms, hit my head (giving myself a large welt) and bruising my legs all because I saw what my insanity and horrible behaviors have done to the man I really love and want to be with- the hurt in his eyes killed me and if he didn't beg me to stop hurting myself, I would have taken my life right there and then. I am having a personal and marital crisis. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 8. This weekend, I got drunk and a bit out of control, during which time I told my husband's best friend that I loved him and would leave my husband for him if he felt the same way- my husband overheard this. I had an affair with this man and I feel terrible. I feel like a hypocrite because believe it or not, I do love my husband very much and do not want to leave him. This is no excuse for my bad behavior, but I am bipolar, was diagnosed years ago, and have grown up with a bipolar father that disgustingly I've become just like. I am a social worker for God's sakes and I can't keep my own life together. I love my work, but if I destroy myself, I'll never be right for my students (I work with special education students). This weekend, in a depressed and hateful rage towards myself, I cut up my arms, hit my head (giving myself a large welt) and bruising my legs all because I saw what my insanity and horrible behaviors have done to the man I really love and want to be with- the hurt in his eyes killed me and if he didn't beg me to stop hurting myself, I would have taken my life right there and then. I don’t want to live. I have always felt this way. Yes, I have good days, and great days, days that I am on top of the world and never think about dying. But most days I pray God would take me away. The only reason I have yet to go through with suicide is because I know that act would cause the ones I love so dearly more pain than any bad decision I could make. I hate myself for these deep, passionate, emotional feelings. I should know better, I do know better, but so often I do so wrong. What is so wrong with me….? I disgust myself.


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poster:extremethings thread:461961
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070929/msgs/786306.html