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Re: dysphoric mania

Posted by extremethings on October 2, 2007, at 11:50:55

In reply to Re: dysphoric mania extremethings, posted by polarbear206 on October 2, 2007, at 9:57:12

Thank you so much for writing me. I should KNOW I'm not alone, but I feel so alone. My closest friends and family don't even really know me. I seem to so many people like I have it together- I'm supposed to be the one helping others, but I can't help myself. I'm taking 750 mg. Depakote and 225 Effexor. It was the first combination of meds that I responded to positively. When I first started seeing my psychiatrist, I was in grad school and going through a bout of depression. I was doing so well in school, yet I was so suicidal. I tried Wellbutrin, which I had a bad reaction to (hives, titinitus) and then was off meds for a while. Around Christmas of that year, I remember becoming manic, which is when I was put on the Depakote. Since, I have been able to much better control my moods, but still I'm trying on my own- alone. My dad is Bipolar and has recently been hospitalized due to his mania. He becomes literally psychotic, delusional, and sometimes experiences hallucinations. My parents marriage is falling apart and here I am, making choices against who I know I am and yet, not able to stop. It is like I'm on top of the world with him, but yet I'm so miserable. I'm not myself. I have actually considering throwing away a beautiful marriage with a wonderful man who tries to love me, problems and all, for someone who is an alcoholic, has no license (DUI's), and who I have spent too much time with endulging myself in everything from drugs to sex. During these last two years, I've developed and kicked a bad coke habit. I used to be into all kinds of drugs when I was in high school. My husband and I smoke weed, but he was always against the hard drugs and hard drinking. Somehow, we let each other go and I relapsed hard into coke. I had to quit because my septum is almost gone and if I didn't get help, I would have killed myself or my nose would have collapsed. I've been off coke now for almost 3 months. I still smoke and drink and yet I know if I want to get better, I need to not only get my bipolar under control, but I need to also recover from my many addictions. I just don't know where to go from here, how to ask for help, how to ask my husband to forgive me. This man I am with is his friend and has told me he doesn't know if he could live with himself if we were to tell my husband that he has "loved me back". I feel so stuck- so confused- I always hurt the ones I love and I really don't want to. I would do anything for them, including end my own life to make them happy. It is too bad that is the one thing, no matter how much I hurt them, that is the one thing they've asked me not to do. It is so hard living only because you don't want to hurt the ones who love you.


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Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:extremethings thread:461961
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070929/msgs/786466.html