Posted by BarbaraCat on November 7, 2003, at 12:54:15
In reply to Re: Hello gals..., posted by fluffy on November 7, 2003, at 11:55:44
Those are wonderful words to Katia, so kind and full of understanding. We really have to be extra special kind to ourselves (and each other as best we can) during these times. The knee-jerk reaction is to beat ourselves into doing it 'right', but if we could, we would.
I try to remember how I would treat a poor sick frightened animal. Would I whip a starving and ill horse into going faster? Would I beat fear into any one of my beloved kitties so that they 'behave'? I don't think so. Yet, I beat myself unmercifully if I don't conform to a sick society's standards or if I can't perform the way I imagine a more energetic and less traumatized version of me might. Yes, I get royally pissed at living half a life. Sometimes I don't know who to get pissed at, I don't have the energy to defuse it, I don't wanna write in my journal or do a damn thing - and yet it has to go somewhere. So back at me it goes, and that's the absolute worst thing I could possibly do. It gets impacted and turns toxic.
I like your suggestion to Katia to just sleep when you need to and not worry about the hours if you don't really have to. Yes, there is sleep disorder syndrome and that has to be addressed, as she is doing in the study. But I think we fear something called 'lazyness' or 'self-indulgence' or 'not measuring up' like it's our dirty little 'if only they knew that about me' secret. The truth is that when we're feeling good, we naturally want to DO things and to LIVE LIFE. It feels good and spontaneous to express our vibrant energy and in fact, it's hard NOT to. It bubbles up and we can't sit still. The other side of that is when there's very little life force and energy it's not a good thing to expect more than we have. The well is dry. It might work for the short run to whip ourselves into shape but not for the long haul. That's a sure road to adrenal burnout. So thanks for that reminder. I'm going through a fibro flare at the moment and it's hard to motivate and I'm verging on 'oh come on, not again you wimp' thoughts. Your words helped me to put things in perspective knowing that when the time is right I'll know it. It helps to remember that no matter how crummy I get to feeling these days it's NOTHING like the hell I've been through in the past and those horrible days are quickly receding and I'm finally trusting they will continue to do so. I'm very very grateful for this. Love ya, Barbara
p.s. Fuller's ESB is a righteous brew!