Posted by BarbaraCat on November 6, 2003, at 13:24:47
In reply to Re: Hello gals..., posted by fluffy on November 6, 2003, at 10:39:32
Real words of wisdom there, my friend. These mood disorders are the pits when we're in them but afterwards I don't think any of us can deny that we're stronger and more 'grown up' once we've survived them - what doesn't kill us, and so on...
In the indigineous cultures potential shamans may have the gifts, but unless they've gone through a very dark night of the soul, even insanity, they're not considered wise enough to understand and heal. I try to think of that when I'm really suffering with it and try to imagine I'm going through some kind of intiation for something I'm not aware of yet. My sick mind goes 'yeah, yeah, wishful thinking, you f&cking failure' but I think the initiation part is the greater truth.
You're so right about the 'just bad days'. As opposed to the BAAAAAAAAADDDDD days. I was thinking back on life before lithium and lam and the goooooooooddddddddd days as well. Whew, I sure was on the edge at times. When I wasn't in a psychotic bleak hell I was running around in a frenzy of visions, plans, unfinished projects, boundless energy. They were GOOD plans, visions, and projects too. But they came as if out of the blue, I couldn't sustain the energy or the train of thought for long. My house and garage are still under seige from all the stuff from those days.
Now, my days are much more peaceful, if a bit uneventful. But that's OK. I'm not ready yet to immerse myself back in life, and really, I don't want to. I look at the insanity out there, the emptyness, the unconsciousness, and we wonder why there's so much pain and the disowning and avoidance of that pain. I spend alot of my time now finally doing those things I frenzied my way through with alot more care. Playing piano, getting back to yoga, photography - getting rid of stuff (God, that's hard!). For a while it was hard to know what to do with myself once I dropped out of the work world, how to fill up the hours. I had to build up the patience and discipline to build a life, maybe for the first time in my 52 years.
So, slowly it's working. Sometimes I'll have a mini hypomanic swing (I'm on a very low dose of lithium) and it's alot of fun. I know I'm there when I start with the visions and multiple projects. It's kind of like in 'A Beautiful Mind' when John Nash/Russel Crowe stops taking his pills and starts up with the Mr. Parcher/Ed Harris hallucinations again. Lack of sleep can bring them on. My husband then brings me down and I go to bed earlier. I guess I can ration them out for when I need an extra bit of zip, but it really is hard on the bod and I pay for those zips with a mini depression. Buddha talks about 'The Middle Path' and I'm learning that lesson big time.
Yeah, bad days indeed, or blah days, or pissy days. I rarely have grrrrrrrrreaaat days. The best they get now is a quiet joy kind of day. I'll take those, they're my favorites. I'll take the pissy days too. Just as long as those BAAAAAADDDDD days leave me the Hell alone. I've earned my Shaman wings for 40 lifetimes. Yes, getting together one of these days would be a gas. After the intial self consciousness wore off, we'd sure all have alot to talk about! Love ya and so glad you're feeling better, Barbara
> Hi again you guys--
> You know, I just ended up having a "blah" day yesterday. Sometimes I have just a bad attitude about all of this...like, "why did I get dealt this hand...it's just not fair." I was thinking last night, and I just came to the conclusion that what we have is something like an immune disorder of the mind. Try as we may, we just have to avoid the things that can put us at risk for getting sick, just like someone with H.I.V. has to avoid places and people who have colds or the flu, etc. I was feeling a little guilty last night for complaining as I do. But hey--I just had a bad day. And all in all, i am feeling WAAAAAY more stable than I did a month ago. So as much as I would like to continue living my life in a carefree manner--staying up late to work in my studio, going out and partying, having good sex with men I don't care about--it's just not worth it anymore. I guess I'm just in the process of "mourning the loss of my healthy self." But the truth is, that it wasn't my healthy self...it was my UNHEALTHY, moody unstable self.
> Anyway--even though my mood as of late has been on the dysthymic side, I can at least deal, and try to exercise and get good sleep now. Complain, complain, complain. It's hard not to be riddled with fear about the future.
> And I think I'm opting to get the contraption removed from my uterus. If anything, it would be nice to not have HORRIBLE, stabbing cramps, and a period that lasts for TWO WEEKS!
> I'm making an appt. with my gyno today, and I'll see about the hormone tests. As for the thyroid business...I guess I was hoping in a weird way that it was off, b/c I know it can cause rapid cycling, and synthroid can be a mood stabilizer. Also, my mom has thyroid problems, and it's always seemed like a more palatable solution to my mood problems than the dreaded Bipolar label.
> Anyway--I'll keep in touch. Gals...I hope you feel better soon! Barb-cat and Katia, I can't thank you enough for your understanding. And I also really wish we could get together and have a nice, long talk face to face.