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Re: Folic acid and other ramblings » nmk

Posted by BarbaraCat on October 13, 2003, at 14:25:57

In reply to Re: Folic acid and other ramblings, posted by nmk on October 12, 2003, at 15:18:06

Hi Nicole,
Oh, so you had a wee one 22 months ago? Wow, that should keep you busy. I had a stillbirth many years ago and even though it was a difficult situation, as anyone can imagine, it was really for the best and I knew this at the time so it wasn't the horrendous experience it might have been. But the point is that my bipolar symptoms seemed to start right afterwards. I'd had major depressive symptoms since puberty but not like with PPD. It makes me more certain that there's a strong hormonal influence that's occurring that never quite gets reset. Ever notice how most pdocs never remotely consider this angle?

About your pdoc, the whole medical system is really a travesty, but I've said this so many times before. The idea that something so delicate as the brain is never considered along with such strong influences like food, hormones, environmental toxins, etc etc is no wonder so many of us aren't getting better. We're missing large pieces of the puzzle.

But you're right in that unless we want to move forward with our care we have to do the research and insist upon what our inner knowing tells us is right. We have to be experts in our own care which is a tall order when life seems so hard and we barely think straight. But at least we have so much more knowledge than most people who are suffering greatly without having a clue why (other than what the drug commercials on TV tell them).

Anymore, I consider my pdoc as someone who wields the prescription pad and vaguely tells me the possible interractions one med will have with another. But he never remembers that lithium damages the thyroid and I have to hide my annoyance every time when I remind him of this. I'm also taking hormone replacement from my naturopath and estrogen will affect all other hormonal systems, including thyroid. He goes 'Uh, hmmm, yeah. Well, it's been so long since I studied that in medical school'. He's so focussed on brain meds that he's out of any other loop.

He's a very nice man and really wants to help, but how can he with his limited time and revolving door patient after patient? He's also obviously healthy and fit but never mentions eating, exercise, vitamins, any of that stuff. Why? Is it that the drug lobbies hobble them from dealing out any advice that isn't drug related?

As far as your pdoc shooting down your ideas or suggestions, perhaps if you brought in papers with references citing some research? Probably not anything on this board or other anecdotal evidence. My doctor rolls his eyes at anything that isn't cited in PubMed or Medscape. As if those researchers really know. All they seem to know from is mice and rats and they can't talk very well.

The other thing, as I mentioned above, is they probably get deluged with patients coming in and wanting to try some new and wonderful pill they saw on a TV commercial, the ones with scenes of a poor schlump rising from his bed of misery, taking a pill, and then cavorting merrily about having sex and playing on swings and monkey bars at a playground. I'm sure they get tired of it. So coming armed with something respectable might carry some weight. But I totally agree with you. At some point the pain gets too bad and we desperately seek out help, and hope plays such a crucial role in it. After a while, one loses hope that these people can offer very much. But in my better days, I feel proud of myself for taking matters into my own hands and not giving my power away.

Ah... but there are those other times when I can't summon any power and feel pretty darn weak and pitiful, hate myself and life, feel no one likes me, least of all myself, can't do the smallest thing without leaving a trail of disorder in my wake, envy the garbage men, the mail carrier, anyone who is doing life. I can't bear to open my monthly Oprah magazine, because I know it'll be filled with women who, well, get written about in Oprah. I can't even get out of my jammies until 6pm and drop and slop and spill things and I feel like my existence is a waste of good energy.

It makes me very angry because we are all so hurting and want some relief from the excessive pain that goes way beyond life's suffering. I really hate to admit this but I think the answer lies in exercise. Oh right, sure, drag the miserable cold exhausted freaked out bod to a gym or in the living room and do leg lifts. I'd rather swallow nails. But we got a hot tub/spa for my fibro and I did some good stretches in it and as I was saying to Katia, it really got the energy moving. I'm surprised at how just that little amount made such as difference. It's like our energy, our chi, gets dammed up unless we move it. Eventually I'll feel the motivation to start dancing again, walk outside, maybe even dig up those flower beds and plant the crates full of bulbs I bought from Costco during a garden project hypomania.

Yes, this board is my therapy as well. I learn so much from it, real people telling real experiences and empathising because they KNOW. This is the other thing with pdocs. I'm not sure why they go into the field because it must not be easy listening to one tale of woe after another. But it's obvious they're not familiar with how these meds feel or how WE feel. Sigh, we're such a young species and we don't have it quite right yet. I sure hope you're being very good to yourself and crying tears of release. Crying is good. I just got done with a passage in a wonderful book "After the ecstacy, the Laundry" where one interviewee talks about how they cried and cried and cried for weeks with all the pain of the world, their own pain. They just let themselves sink into the wringing out of the pain even though the tears after a while didn't have an object or reason. It was just pain.

I know it's difficult to do when you have a little one around and you don't want them to see Mommy weeping all the time. But sometimes that's all you can do, just have a good cry. Alot of toxins come out with tears. Sometimes I'm amazed at how I'll start out feeling just 'off', icky, a little sad, and then say 'oh, OK, here I go' and sure enough after a short while I'm really sobbing. There's wells and wells of deep pain in there and of course I'm going to suffer as long as it's not healed. Afterwards I rub some ice cubes around my face and my eyes cause I look like a red puffy mess. Oh, and a bunch of ibuprofen for the inevitable headache.

So, yes, I will gladly be with you through this at all times, as I know you're there for me. It seems we go in and out of it, alternately reaching for help, and offering a hand in help. But at least we have an idea of how terribly frightening and alone it can be. That's what I appreciate about this board - most of us here are really doing the work to instigate our own healing rather depending on some other poor inadequate human to provide the answers for us - there ain't no such animal it seems. But one thing to keep in mind that I always forget in the thick of it - it's stuff like this that opens the heart to all of life. It's funny, but once I'm out of the paralysis of it, I'm actually glad for the warrior training, or as my husband calls it, Special High Intensity Training. - Barbara


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Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:BarbaraCat thread:261445
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031010/msgs/268979.html