Posted by cubbybear on February 27, 2003, at 4:31:04
In reply to Cubbybear; You O.K.?, posted by LyndaK on February 27, 2003, at 2:13:57
> Steve,
>
> I was surprised to see no new post from you. Are you still hanging in there?
I don't know........You can do it!
Maybe not..........
> Still counting (and praying).
I am too.Lynda,
This will be a long one so PLEASE hang with it and read all.
I didn't post for a day or so because I spent about 24 hours in the local hospital (which isn't really a top-notch place and for all practical purposes, they don't even have a psych dept. ) I went to this one because it's the only one covered by my employer's insurance policy and it's also close to home.
The situation started yesterday morning (Wed. morning here) when I spoke to my mother and she virtually ordered me to get to a hospital to get an I.V. for the fluids and nutrients I've been losing and also something for the constipation, which developed on Tuesday, from hardly eating.
So, from about mid-afternoon until this morning (Thurs.) I was there solely for a kind of physical rest. I got the IV, meds for the constipation (which has since lessened a bit) and I had a routine blood test, which came out OK. Amazingly, my blood pressure remains at normal levels like 110 or 120/70 or 80 amid the gut-wrenching anxiety, heart palpitations, and of course. . .the black hole of depression. So I stayed overnight. I ate a decent dinner there but of course they could do nothing for my mental torture and you can't imagine what it's like to be alone in a hospital with an almost insurmountable language barrier. (My spoken Thai used to be better, but has fallen drastically, since my self-study stopped about 1 year ago).. When I got home from the hospital in late morning (today, Thurs.) I was given a message that this guy Andrew had called. . I phoned him and learned that he was at the U.S. Embassy in Bangkok. My mother had calledthere to find out about my whereabouts so I told him to call her and tell her to phone me immediately.
She did, and said that she and my step father changed the plans around so that they would be at LAX airport waiting for me and they somehow arranged a drug shipment so that the Parnate would be shipped insured to their home, so it would be there when we got there. We would be flying there from L.A., a one hour flight. That would eliminatemy former plan of going by bus. God knows how much time and money and effort they have put into doing all they can to help me.
I know it all sounds quite nice, but my mother can't feel what I'm feeling NOW--2-1/2 days before the flight. She wanted my assurance that I would be at LAX, on that plane so she could be assured of our rendezvous. (I hope you're able to follow this).
She's going to phone again tomorrow to get my answer since tomorrow is the last day they can buy the plane tickets. I have to somehow come out and say, "Mom I'll be there," when I myself don't FEEL at all confident that I can do it. That will be the hardest part of the conversation.How in the name of God can I convey to you what it feels like now? I have plunged down so deep, I'm hovering over--dare I say it--vague suicidal ideation.
As I would tell it to a psychiatrist, my conflict and fear is this: I'm terrified of going to the U.S. because I fear that, for some reason, I will not be able to return here, and you KNOW already that I have to. You and everyone else says,, "You'll do it!!". Well, I don't know if I can even hold out this little bit longer and, assuming I do get to the airport here, I wonder if I can physically and psychologically endure the rigors of the trip.
THEN, assuming I get to the U.S., and get my meds, I fear that somehow, someway, it will be determined that I should go to a hospital, where some doctor will insist that I can't/should not go back to Thailand as scheduled. And if such a thing happens, I risk losing all my treasured belongings in my apartment, running out of my supply of Klonopin, and facing up to the agonies of cold turkey withdrawal. Do you see what I'm doing, Lynda? I can't sotop my worst-case scenario thinking I might as well be saying I'm terrified that God will let loose with a thunderbolt upon my head.
I didn't think it would be possible for me to sink even deeper, but it has happened, to such a point that even sitting at the computer--which just 2 days ago brought SOME measure of relief-- no longer does.
The bald facts remain:
If I don't get on that plane here, I'll never get the Parnate. And if I don't get the Parnate, I'm destined to continue going through this hell.
So I MUST go, and yet I'm also terrified of going--caught inside a no-win, no-way out feeling that there's going to be no positive ending to this, none at all, only catastrophe, my life finished.Assuming I get up that last ounce of courage and get on the plane and make it there, I feel I have a moral obligation to let you know I've done it. My mother's the kind who wouldn't want her phone number given out, so perhaps I'll be able to tell you all is OK from my uncle's computer--he and my aunt live 2 houses away from my mother. But we'll keep posting until it comes down to the wire. . .if I can survive the wait.
Oh, how I need God's help with this. I prayed last night, and said, "God, where are You? Please stop hiding from me.Come out and show me your face, show me that you won't let me suffer so much any more." So I keep on praying for a positive outcome,although I feel imminent doom all around me.
Sorry to have to lay all this on you.
But you said you would be here for me and I must cry so hard on your shoulder.
Steve
poster:cubbybear
thread:200603
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030224/msgs/204255.html