Posted by fuzzymind on December 8, 2002, at 4:04:03
Can CBT cure both social anxiety and PTSD? I have been suffering from depression and severe social anxiety since a teenager, and I am 33 now. I was psychologically bullied and abused by classmates, by my freshman college roommate, and at those times of abuse, I was very numb and couldn't really fight back effectively or know what to do. I have never taken illegal drugs, but it seems I was stoned or just plain so numb I couldn't really know what was going on until years later.
I couldn't graduate from college after 3 1/2 years . My grades were good for the first 3 years, then I was so afraid of talking in class and going to the dorms again, I didn't go back for one semester, but my parents finally convinced me to go back the following semester, my grades were horrible, and I decided not to go back.
I had always been afraid of giving speeches and talking in class. In fact, I attempted suicide my freshman year in HS because I didn't want to give a speech. But my parents sent me to school that day anyway. My parents never got me any help, despite both being doctors. Both being Korean probably had something to do with it..the stigma.
IN junior year, I was sent away to summer school, and I spent the entire 3 months in my room, and only ate 1 meal a day..breakfast...because I didn't know anyone and was afraid to be seen eating at a crowded dining hall all by my lonesome. Had similar problems in college, but in college, I at least could buy food from other places, but I felt so ashamed I couldn't make friends. I was always the floor weirdo because I never came out only for classes, and going to the bathroom, a communal floor bathroom was difficult because I was sos ashamed of being seen.
Because of my severe social anxiety, I became more and more depressed and felt more and more numb. I always felt suicidal and always planned my death. I wold tell myself..ok after this sememster I will do it,etc...been thinking of it for 20 years.
I went for therapy in 1997, told the shrink I had social anxiety, and she concurred. But I never was motivated to try the CBT...how could I when I was so depressed and the meds I was given didn't work. I stopped after 3 months when my shrink gave me an ultimatum. During that 3 months, I also went to a Kaplan course on taking the MCATS, a standardized test for getting into med school. I was in a small class of about 5-6 people, but everytime the instructor called on me, I would get very frightened. I did well on the tests, was planning to go back, but then the anxiety and depression never went away. SO I didn't go. Shortly afterward, I was consumed with so much anger and rage, and this is when the PTSD kicks in.
I think I was able to bury past abuses, but after therapy, they all came flooding into the forefront. I kept reliving over and over again in violently vivid emotions. The emotions I felt were of great rage and shame. I so much wanted revenge, and my anger just got worse. Moral outrage is so hard to let go of.
Every waking moment, I am constatnly reliving those instances and I can't get rid of them. I just want to die. I never had a job, couldn't graduate from college. I was supposed to go to medical school....I always had the grades and test scores, but I felt like such a loser socially, I didin't even want to bother going through the interview process. Just think. After all I told you so far, if you were interviewing an extremely depressed person, whose face is frozen in anxiety and doesn't smile, and is barely audible and doesn't make eye contact, how would you evaluate them? Also, because of my anxiety, I never had any extracurricular activites I could put on my appliction.
Is there such thing as Battered Acquaintance/friend Abuse Syndrome? Memories which give me the most anger are probably my association with a jewish kid from high school. I was so lonely and didn't have any friends, but this guy was pretty much the only person who talked to me. But he was always belittling my academic accomplishments, my hair, my clothes, my opinions. He even belittled my dad's income by saying out loud in class one day that his sister, who just graduated from college and was making 20k a year, made more money than my dad who was a surgeon!!! That is how abusive this jerk was, and how numb emotionally I was. He could pick me apart all the time and use me as an emotional punching bag, but I was sos lonely, I couldn't just tell hime to never talk to me again, or tell him that he was jealous and insecure. And he would have these stupid arguments about the dumbest topics and he always had to be right, and it bothereed the hell out of me.I know he had an emptiness he need filled with using me as an emotional punching bag. But knowing that doesn't make me feel any better. In my mind many times a day, I imagine myself telling him off, that he was jealous, lonely and insecure and needed someone to step on to make himself feel better about himself. But this feeling for revenge enrages me all the time, and Iwant to end it all.
The worst part is that this guy is now a wealthy investment banker, and I am nothing. I remember the first day ofcollege, this jerk called me up to criticize me some more. That is how much of a doormat and toilet I was for this guy's emotions. He said he wanted me to go to the class reunion in 5 years time so he cold compare himself to me. What a fucking asshole. This fucking Nazi has never gives me a single thought, but I am obsessed with his abuse evey waking moment The only thing I could respond, was that I meekly said he liked to dominate people and after he asked why I didn't decide to go to the same college he did, I responded that he used me as an emotinal punching bag. I also pointed out his father didn't like him. I regret not telling him that he was a jealous emotional Nazi.
I also rmemeber him telling me taht the only reason people of my race get into college is because they have to take people like me. Never mind I had straight A's and higher Sat scores then him. What a fucking Nazi.
nother incident which shows his abuse is one time in a study center in HS, he challenged me to arm-wrestling. I said no. He baited me by calling me chicken and bawk bawk. Well he beat me, and kept challenging me again. I didn't want to do it but for some reason I couldn't repel him. Well he kept doing this over and over again. Then I had to go to a guidance counsellore for something, then he followed me nad pesteresd me to keep arm-wrestling him . Apparently this Jewish Nazi asshole had been wegiht lifting and needed to prove to himself how strong he was. Can you fucking beleive this asshole kept following me around so he could keep defeating me in arm-wrestling. What the hell could I have done? I dind't know how to cope and deal with abusive scum. But I was so lonely and had such little self-worth, that I was flypaper for people like this, and this contuned with otheres in college.
ow this is long. sorry..next time I'll post in parts.
What I described aboe is probably what battered spouses and girlfrineds go through. Any basket cases out there go through the sam experiences I did?
poster:fuzzymind
thread:130982
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021203/msgs/130982.html