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Re: Social Anxiety Disorder, depression and PTSD

Posted by fuzzymind on December 8, 2002, at 13:34:48

In reply to Re: Social Anxiety Disorder, depression and PTSD » fuzzymind, posted by mattdds on December 8, 2002, at 9:19:59

Good to see you got over most of it and are in dental school. ALso thanks to bluedog for providing me with that link. SOunds very familiar. I also adopted the behavior of a serial bully, and did that to someone at college, for which I am ashamed of. However, based on clues and hints he dropped, it sounded like he was getting therapy, and looking back 12 years in the past, it sounded like he was recognizing cognitive distortions. Well I am relieved and glad that he is now a post-doctoral fellow at a biotech firm...I have been wanting to apologize to him for 12 years. Maybe I should email him my life story and the webpages you gave me about serial bullies. I did a search of his name on the net and found his picture. However this guy also had many other friends, so my bullying didn't affect him seriously if at all. I beleive he was trying to be my friend ,and I squandered the golden opportunity. Ever y time he made overtures of friendship, I just belittled him. Any differeing opinions he had enraged me. I was also jealous whenever he would talk to anyone else, just like that abusive jerk in high school did with me.I rmeember encountering him 12 years ago in my last semester, and he just ignored me....which I deserved. Too bad I couldnt't just do that with my bullies. I wonder if social anxiety also turns people in to bullies?

Now I am at a crisis situation. I am extremely dependent on my folks because I never worked. However, for quite a long time, my father's private practice has been non-existent...new rules where patients have to first go a a general practitioner who then gives referrals to specialists. Well my dad has not been any referrals for a long time....all the referrals go to the white doctors. Now he has to sell the house and move into house I live in...he used to rent out this house, but I have been living in here..literally inside 99.9 percent of the time for 12 years.

Hell, I always waited at night to get the mail. In the past few years, I have repeatedly waited til the weekend to get the mail!!!! Th house is on a relatively busy road, and I am afraid of people seeing me. I also only went grocery shopping at 4am or earlier at the 24hr a day Pathmark.

Well anyway, my dad lost a ton of money in the stock market, his pension is almost nil and he has debts to pay. I was secretly hoping that I could live out my days here, becuase I saw on a website that the average salary of a doctor is about 186k and that of a surgeon is significantly higher. Well my dad is at the extrmem left of the bell curve. He and my mom have told me I will have to work in order to survive. THat is the first time in my life my dad has used that word survive. He will have to borrow mone y in order to repair this house...oh yes..I couldn't even do simple maintenance of the house becuase I couldn't go outside.Ever since he broke the news to me that they have to move in with me, I have been seriously contemplating suicide. Their next visit during Easter, I am planning on hooking up the car exhaust to a hose I shall buy at Home Depot. I am hoping it is painless. But I will have to open the upstairs windows so my cat won't be consumed by the carbon monoxide.

From 1991 to about 1997, I was depressed and suffering from anxiety, with some thoughts of suicide. From 1997 to the Thanksgiving of this year, I have been so worried about how I will live the rest of my life because in '97, my mom broke the news to me that my dad's practice had been next to nothing for a long time. How can I get a job? I feel like enough of a failure, but now I have to be able to go somewhere everyday? Go for job interviews? I weigh 255 pounds btw. Boy isn't that attractive....a depressed , anxiety ridden , suicidal obese Asian. What employer during a recession wouldn't want to hire that? Suicide seems like the only answer. I tried going through Burn's book, Feeling Good, but as I read through the definitions of cognitive distortions, I berate myself for not knowing about this in high school. Wh y didn't I know about these type of things when I most needed them, and not now when it is too late? I hate schools and colleges for not making students aware of such things. They have a million programs about drug addiction and drinking underage, but not one god damned thing about anxiety, depression, suicide.

I read that social anxiety is the 3rd most diagnosed psychiatric disorder. Where are all these people? The unemployment rate is only 6 percent, relatively high for the past decade, but it isn't like there are millions of people like me who are basket cases and can't work. On a radio show this morning , in New York on WFAN 660 AM, I heard a show hosted by Rick Wolff about holiday blues and social anxiety. Jeremy Berent was the guest, who has a website at socialanxiety.com. He told the audience about 2 patients in their 30's like me, whose parents had provided them with residences because of their social anxiety. I used to be like that but will no longer be.

My only friends for the past 12 years have been television, computer games, sports talk radio, and the Howard Stern show. For the past 3 years, I have also had a cat, and since 97, had 2 online friends who I play backgammon with. Much easier to socialize online when the person you are relating to doesn't have to see you not smile and speak tersely. Even with those 2 remaining online friends , iahve occasionally been very hostile nad now this morning, I repaired another online relationship which had been destroyed by me 1 year ago. But I still feel suicidal...I think I am trying to alleviate these knots and clnchings in my chest I ahve had for the past week. My heart is pounding so much, and I dread the passing of time to the ultimate end.


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poster:fuzzymind thread:130982
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021203/msgs/131021.html