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Re: I'm so sick of living like this » Simcha

Posted by Else on August 3, 2001, at 14:33:26

In reply to Re: I'm so sick of living like this » Else, posted by Simcha on August 3, 2001, at 14:09:03

> Else,
>
> Buddy, I'm so sorry that life is so very painful for you right now. I can relate to your story and your pain. I don't remember a time in my life where I wasn't depressed, paranoid, anxious. It just didn't happen for me without medication.

I used to be happy as a young child, I know this for a fact. I really don't know what happenned to me around age 6. Complete degeneration, I suppose.

> I am not numb on ADs. I'm on Wellbutrin and Celexa. I think the pdoc is going to up my doses next week again. I've been having some return to negative thinking... The anxiety has been lessened though. ;-)

I have this love-hate relationship with ADs and anticonvulsants. Like right now, I am supposed to take Neurontin three times a day but I often skip doses. I hate what these drugs do to me. And it's hard to describe exactly what they do. My doctor doesn't seem to get it. I haven't taken my Neurontin this morning and earlier I was listenning to this really good song ("Wishful Thinking" by Pulp, not that this is relevant) and it gave me chills and I cried. This is not depression to me. This is what being alive is supposed to feel like. On most drugs I just don't react to anything. I barely hear music, I don't notice the beauty around me. I just feel like a good productive automaton and that's not what I want to be. But if I go without drugs for too long, my anxiety returns with a vengeance and I become almost incapacitated. I am trying to find some kind of balance. I don't think Celexa would do it for me, I don't do well on SSRIs.

> Some days on this mix I do feel ephorically happy. And why not? Logically I have everything a 31 year old man could need at this very moment. There are days when the "committee" in my head holds an extra session to bring me anxiety and pain. Those are the days where even though all I want to do is lock the door, crawl into bed and die, I need to ask for help.

I ruminate too. Except that instead of crawling into bed, I drink, which only makes me more depressed the next day. Not a good solution.

> You are a good example of that for me, Else. Here you are getting help in your darkness. You are worth it. I hope you find the path you need in order to get well.

I hope so too but I am surprised to hear you say I am an example. I certainly don't see myself that way but thank you, I suppose.

> I have learned to accept that through genetics and whatever else, I have a chemical imbalance. I need meds to restore the balance. It is a maintenance thing with me. I compare it to diabetes where one needs insulin in order to maintain wellness. I need my ADs in order to maintain my wellness.

You know, this is the biggest question for me. Sometimes I think, "Obviously it's genetics, my parents are so ******-up." But then I get into these endless debates in my head about how much control I do have. And this in itself can be pathological because when I feel good, these doubts don't even cross my mind. I find it so hard to untangle this whole mess.

> Shalom,
> Peace,
> Simcha ;-)

Same to you

Best wishes


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