Posted by Else on August 4, 2001, at 11:56:11
In reply to Re: I'm so sick of living like this » Else, posted by Mitch on August 4, 2001, at 10:44:43
What really bugs me is that these meds seem to dull ALL emotions, good and bad. I'm the sort of person who gets chills listenning to music I love and who cries easily, but that's OK. I like that. I feel alive when I'm like that. The whole time I was on Zoloft, my whole impression of everything seemed to be "Whatever". I think ADs are good when you're really low; and having no feelings at all is a better alternative to feeling horrible all the time. But there has got to be a better alternative for dysthymia or anxiety disorders.
I don't remember who made the remark about "amputating a hand because of a cut on a finger" or something like that. But this is what this feels like to me.
I have been diagnosed as atypical bipolar once. This diagnosis was revised to BPD by another doctor. Anyway, I don't really care one way or the other. It's all just words as far as I'm concerned but I have been on anticonvulsants for over a year now. First it was Depakote, now Neurontin (which I prefer). I never really knew what these drugs were supposed to do but I have been such a good girl in the past year compared to the way I was before. No drugs, no self-destructive behavior, no benders, I didn't spend week-ends crying uncontrollably because some stupid guy hasn't called. In a sense, I'm doing much better. So why is it that I kind of miss my old self at times? Is this really stupid? Probably.
When I go off my meds I get this rush for a couple of weeks. I feel so good, so alive, colors seem brighter, music sounds better, everything is better. Then I start to freak out over little things again and I have to go back on the meds. Anxiety is a bigger problem for me than depression. Right now I only take Klonopin and Neurontin (my doctor scolded me for going back on Wellbutrin without telling him). I still feel socially anxious and I hate the Neurontin for some obscure reason although it's not as bad as Depakote. I'm just being a baby I think. But I miss the excitment. Pdocs think too much excitement is a bad thing for their patients and they are right, I suppose. But something is amiss. I am just looking for some middle ground. Somehow, I think the older, shorter acting drugs are better in some way (stimulants, tranquilizers, even opiates). They don't change who you are. Anyway. I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too. Thanks for responding, Mitch, and I wish you well. I hope you do OK off the Zoloft. I have grown to hate this drug with a passion. I don't think I could ever pop another one of these little orange capsules (this is what the 100mgs look like in Canada)in my life.
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> I can identify somewhat. I stopped taking Zoloft about three weeks ago and went through a withdrawal of sorts. SSri's seem to "readjust" your outlook and "paint" things better than they may be. I noticed when I stopped it I had this definite "black" "existential-blues" feeling that lasted quite a while. It is now starting to lift a little, and I feel more relaxed without the med. I am bipolar and still have to take other meds, but I am beginning to wonder if for several years I would have been better off with good psychotherapy for the secondary problems (social anxiety, i.e.) instead of an AD.
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> Mitch
poster:Else
thread:73202
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010804/msgs/73498.html