Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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Re: Home today--definitely an "E" post, not a "T"

Posted by Noa on November 1, 1999, at 18:52:13

In reply to Re: Home today--definitely an "E" post, not a "T", posted by allison on November 1, 1999, at 18:12:12

Wow, thanks everyone for all the support. Tom, no I don't live in the Philly area. I wish I could tell you all what the stress is that I am dealing with but my paranoia tells me not to. Suffice it to say that I was wronged and now I am trying to have ammends made to me. Carol and Annie both mentioned screaming to God. I am not sure I believe in God, but I did have a sort of spiritual crisis when this "wrong" occurred. It made me have severe doubts about the trust I had always felt that people are basically good and will do the right thing in most circumstances. I don't know why I would necessarily have such an optimistic outlook, and I am at times quite cynical (I was cynical at a very young age), because there are definitely basic trust issues that I have had to grapple with all my life. But I think that I believed that under the circumstances that I was dealing with, I could count on people to be good. And they weren't. Now I am standing up for myself to call them on it, but the process is extremely difficult. I am sorry to be so vague about all of this but giving more info would actually undermine my efforts at this point.
The phone calls today were hard because they involved having to make decisions about some possible risks I might have to take in addressing the wrong that was done to me. Part of the risk is that it might invade very personal territory related to my depression and treatment, and I have felt strongly about guarding my privacy about all of that.

In the meantime, I have fallen in love with a two week old infant who has no where to go. She is in the hospital waiting to be placed in a foster home. Her mother is schizophrenic, according to one of the nurses, and is in long-term public psych. hospital (I don't know if that is where she was before giving birth, or not). I have spent a lot of time with her the past two weekends, and would love to adopt her, but that is not possible. She is being cared for by the nurses, but they really don't have the time to mother her. So, she only gets held for feedings, baths, etc. Unlike a mom, they don't have the time to relax with her, because they are understaffed and have to attend to all the sick children. There is another baby also awaiting foster care placement, and I feel for him, too, but I have not fallen in love with him in the same way. Perhaps this is because he has many problems that make it hard to find him personally appealing. He is three months old, and has been through it all because he was a 2 lb preemie with all of the health problems of preemies plus the added burdens of the effects of drugs. The girl also was exposed to drugs, but was full term, 5 1/2 lbs, and had only minor drug related problems, at least that are noticeable so far. She is so adorable, very alert and social. ALl I do is think about her, and want to go back to spend more time with her. I almost did today since I wasn't at work, but stopped myself because I am really afraid I am going to be unable to tear myself away from her.




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