Posted by SJ on August 19, 1999, at 21:42:51
In reply to Life on Meds...Approaching 40, posted by yardena on August 18, 1999, at 23:51:27
I turned 40 a few months ago, and it was extremely traumatic--mostly in the year preceding my actual 40th birthday. I felt like a total loser. Horrible mother, wife, employee, neighbor, etc, etc. There's an invisible line that separates one's youth (under 40) from one's middle and old age, I think. For me, it felt like I hadn't reached my goals (well...I didn't even have any), and that the deadline to be a successful person had passed. Anything unresolved at this point was going to be with me FOREVER. If it was going to be good, or even just a little better, wouldn't it have happened by now??
I felt that way for several years, but now I've sort of mellowed-out about it.
Motherhood. I have two children (7 and 10), and while I love them dearly, I always feel like I'm a second-rate mom. My husband, thankfully, fills in the blanks. It is very clear to me that my daughter has picked up my depressive tendencies, and I worry about what the future holds for her. She's very intelligent, beautiful, artistic, athletic. An excellent student at school. Lots of friends. She's also extremely emotional, dramatic, obsessive, and given to mood swings that don't seem typical for a 10 year old. I don't know how to describe it, but I do see myself in her (not good). My son, on the other hand, seems the picture of "normalcy".
My Father was an alcoholic, and, I believe, depressed (or something...I suspect alcoholism is self-medication for depression or some other mental disorder). So, yes, I do think depressive illness is woven throughout successive generations.
I can't imagine life without my kids, but I do feel guilty that I may have passed on something like this to my child. It just crept up on me--I didn't feel depressed and anxious when they were born.
So, for you, Yardena, keep in mind that you won't always feel depressed. You'll be well, and the rest just follows naturally....I do wish you the best. Happy Birthday!
Shirley
poster:SJ
thread:10326
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991028/msgs/10394.html