Posted by Racer on October 5, 1999, at 11:48:52
In reply to Re: WHY?, posted by Help on October 5, 1999, at 7:27:09
> May be. May be there is no reason great enough to justify the pain. May be there is no help. May be there is only all alone.
Usually, I would erase the post I'm answering, but I think you need to read your words again. They're so very sad.
Here's a scrap of poetry for you:
They say my verse is sad,
No wonder,
Its narrow measure spans
Tears of eternity and sorrow,
Not mine, but man's.That's from A.E.Housman, a poet whose verse always helps me put my pain in perspective.
As for what you're feeling right now, I have felt something that may be similar. A few months ago I was posting here that I was terrified, because I wanted nothing more than to kill myself, but knew that wasn't really what I wanted. I wanted the pain to go away, and thought it never could. I couldn't bear the pain and the loneliness. I had no hope of anything ever getting better, because my life was much too awful to bear.
Guess what? New meds and I was able to lift up my eyes from the shadows, and see that there had been people around me all the time, but they didn't know how to reach me. Not only that, the cure for my loneliness wasn't to show others how to reach out to me, but to reach out for them myself. Yesterday I called my boss at home and told her I was dropping by, and did. Guess what? She was happy that I did. She was flattered that I made the effort, rather than forcing her to reach out to me.
But the real answer here is that my depression was destroying any hope of seeing the world in perspective. All I could see was the pain and loneliness in front of me. All I could feel was despair. The new meds fixed the depression, allowing me to fix the rest of my life - or at least start to fix it.
You know what else? I recently met a man. He's something special, and I hope that we'll be together for the rest of my life. Even if we aren't, I'm feeling so good with him right now that anything is worth it. If I had killed myself, if I hadn't held on (with much help here from others on this board), I would never have experienced this sensation. I would have ended my suffering in a moment of pain and despair, without ever having tasted the joy possible in life. What a tragedy that would have been.
None of this would have made a difference to me when I was depressed, of course. I only hope that it offers to you a sense that you're not as alone as you may believe. No, we're not in your living room with you, but we ARE here. Lean on us, and let us try to help. We have mostly experienced similar states, and we want to help in any way we can.
poster:Racer
thread:12554
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991001/msgs/12589.html