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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by surfergirl on July 3, 2009, at 18:55:39
This is difficult to share but here goes.
I was adopted at birth by nice relatively normal parrents. I was their only child. My mama began loosing herself to Alzheimer's disease when I was about 10. When I was 12 it was full blown. I essentially lost her in so many ways then. My own issues with mental health started arround age 13. She died when I was 19. My father died 14 months before her from lung cancer. Mama was in a nursing home by then but I was her conservator & saw her often & made sure they took good care of her. I had to bury both my parents & I loved them very much.
About 3 months after my birth-m found me. I was pretty excited to meet her but she was very pushy about advancing our relationship beyond what my heart could handle. She has never acknowledged that my parents did a good job or that I am a good person, pretty, fun to be with...anything that a mom might do. My therapist pointed that out. He is so right. I have never been able to call her mom or mother & can barely say her name. Later, when I had children I called her granny _______. She is overly sensitive, critical of others & controlling. But she is very intelligent & interesting. She has wounded me in so many ways when ever she spends any time with me. I am thinking about putting together a list of these in case I think about getting together with her.
She has been in & out of my life & just before last Christmas she said she did not want to see us anymore. That broke my heart so badly that I was physically ill. My consolation was & is, is that she is *not* my mother.
Just a month ago she re-initiated contact & I have been a nervous wreck. Now she wants to see me & kids again before she moves out of state on the 25th. With great fear set up a date to see her on the 18th.
I have searched my heart for *any* good or love she has brought the last 28 years since "finding" me (besides giving me up in the first place) & have found little. I have many, many bad memories of time with her. Talking to therapist, husband, close friends ALL tell me to let her go & not to see her. Even my 16 year old daughter wonders why I would want to see her. My oldest son does not want to go near her. My husband would go but only to support me. My youngest son might want to see her.
Oh so hard. I have wanted her to be that mother I long for. I need to be a good mother to my children & stop my insanity. I know this is taking time away from them. I am depressed, moody, irritable, way more than usual. I have started smoking again. arrrrgggghh. I rationally know I can't change her into a good mother. She has proven her complete inability again & again. Narcicist don't make good moms....I am glad she gave my & my brother up(him at birth too).
I have a script for my call "Its not going to work out for me to see you before you leave."
I don't want to get into "it" with her. I don't want to get wounded. What else could I say or add? any encouragement?thanks...m
Posted by Timne on July 3, 2009, at 20:51:40
In reply to need strength re toxic birth mom ??**trigger**??, posted by surfergirl on July 3, 2009, at 18:55:39
"Mom that was so kind of you to recognize you weren't up to raising us. I wish I could do more to support your needs, but I fear I'll only make things worse for you because, well, we just never got to know each other well enough for me to be a good friend and your long lost daughter, too. I was so busy, I really couldn't find the space emotionally or otherwise to meet with you. If you enjoy my company and find it helpful in dealing with your loss as a parent, I hope you'll find the courage to stay in touch."
some such approach -- maybe in a card she can save or tear up or whatever -- would a. affirm her lack of qualification as a parent and the value of her recognizing that b. clarify that her reason for wanting to see you is to meet her needs and c. establish that if she does visit with you, it's because she finds you fun to be with. sometimes a little grease makes things slide better...
Posted by MidnightBlue on July 3, 2009, at 23:06:16
In reply to need strength re toxic birth mom ??**trigger**??, posted by surfergirl on July 3, 2009, at 18:55:39
You don't owe your birth mom anything. Your Mom is dead. Your birth mom wants to be something she can never be. That is partly why she gave you up for adoption. She KNEW she couldn't be a mom to you.
This is so like what happend to my adopted daughter when her birth mom found her. She promised her all these things and wanted a mother/daughter or sister/sister relationship. They aren't speaking now, and my daughter is much more at peace.
Keep her phone number and address, open her letters, but keep an emotional and physical distance for your sake and your childrens.
I hope this helps.
Posted by fayeroe on July 4, 2009, at 11:05:50
In reply to need strength re toxic birth mom ??**trigger**??, posted by surfergirl on July 3, 2009, at 18:55:39
Surfergirl, you had tremendous losses when you were younger. No wonder you feel so conflicted about being with her when she doesn't seem to be up to what she "wants" for you.
I can't tell you what to do but I do know this..you do not have to explain anything to her. Timne had a good answer for you.......
I've found myself in situations where going would cost me more than I was able to handle. One such situation would be visiting my brother who has verbally abused me, stolen from me and in general been a real bully towards me for years. I won't go see him. It would cost me more in mental and physical health than it would be worth.
Listen to the people who have met her and been around her.
Take good care of you.......xoxo Pat
Posted by surfergirl on July 5, 2009, at 11:12:42
In reply to Re: need strength re toxic birth mom ??**trigger**??, posted by MidnightBlue on July 3, 2009, at 23:06:16
Hi Midnightblue,
thank you for all your encouragement!
> You don't owe your birth mom anything. Your Mom is dead. Your birth mom wants to be something she can never be. That is partly why she gave you up for adoption. She KNEW she couldn't be a mom to you.
>I have to remind my self that I don't owe her again & again. It is good to hear that from someone else. During her pregnancy she drank a 5th a day. I was lucky that she gave me up. When she was sober just over 10 years is when she contacted me.
> This is so like what happend to my adopted daughter when her birth mom found her. She promised her all these things and wanted a mother/daughter or sister/sister relationship. They aren't speaking now, and my daughter is much more at peace.
>
I appreciate you sharing about your daughter. Adoption re-unions are not always an Oprah perfect story. I am sure that sometimes they can work out though. I have thought that if my parents were alive, all this would have been over years ago. I keep longing & hoping for that mother connection & it just is not going to happen with her.> Keep her phone number and address, open her letters, but keep an emotional and physical distance for your sake and your childrens.
>Funny, even my teenage & adult children are against me seeing her. When I told them of the proposed get together the response was "Why?"
> I hope this helps.
Helps a lot. thanks,
mary
Posted by surfergirl on July 5, 2009, at 11:18:28
In reply to Re: need strength re toxic birth mom ??**trigger**??, posted by Timne on July 3, 2009, at 20:51:40
Hi Timne,
You are so eloquent & I have re-read your script about 15 times. Your words to the un-mom are very helpful for me to just have in my head, even if I don't use them all.
> "Mom that was so kind of you to recognize you weren't up to raising us. I wish I could do more to support your needs, but I fear I'll only make things worse for you because, well, we just never got to know each other well enough for me to be a good friend and your long lost daughter, too. I was so busy, I really couldn't find the space emotionally or otherwise to meet with you. If you enjoy my company and find it helpful in dealing with your loss as a parent, I hope you'll find the courage to stay in touch."
>
I probably will just call her, but in the future, cards seem like the best way to stay in touch or Facebook.
> some such approach -- maybe in a card she can save or tear up or whatever -- would a. affirm her lack of qualification as a parent and the value of her recognizing that b. clarify that her reason for wanting to see you is to meet her needs and c. establish that if she does visit with you, it's because she finds you fun to be with. sometimes a little grease makes things slide better...
>
>thank you!
Posted by surfergirl on July 5, 2009, at 11:58:09
In reply to Re: need strength re toxic birth mom ??**trigger**?? » surfergirl, posted by fayeroe on July 4, 2009, at 11:05:50
Hi Pat,
thank you for your encouragement. I need to know that it is o.k. & give myself permission to distance myself from her.
I have made the call & left a simple message on her phone. I thought of e-mail to spare myself possible interaction but that is so impersonal & even she should have courtesy.
I left babble open on my computer & re-read everyone's posts. I called my boys & husband over first & talked to them again. My husband stayed & held my hand. I am thankful to have so much support, babble-friends included.
((hugs)) to all,
Mary
Posted by manic666 on July 5, 2009, at 12:03:33
In reply to need strength re toxic birth mom ??**trigger**??, posted by surfergirl on July 3, 2009, at 18:55:39
i dont no if this will help, but i had a few kids out of wedlock before i reolised my brain was in my head not my trouser,s, i had no contact with them , but at 25 one of my girls wanted to see me,she had been brought up by hear mom an stepdad,i met with my daughter an it was sureal she was like a clone, we promised all kinds of things, but she went cold later an now its over, she was curious , but i was nothing to her . like your real mom is to you,i backed off but it hurt , but it must of hurt my girl her all her life.i tried to get the relationship back but it was not to be . you dont need your mom as mine didnt need me, she just feels guilty , like my girl must have thought dont hurt yourself for someone you dont no
Posted by Timne on July 5, 2009, at 13:20:09
In reply to Re: need strength re toxic birth mom ??**trigger**?? » Timne, posted by surfergirl on July 5, 2009, at 11:18:28
> Hi Timne,
>
> You are so eloquent & I have re-read your script about 15 times. Your words to the un-mom are very helpful for me to just have in my head, even if I don't use them all.
>thank you. One thing I keep in mind about someone such as a person in her position -- she wasn't up to parenting in a certain set of circumstances. Had things been different around a person, the person's ability to perform socially might be very different.
Then, not having performed as expected or required in part because the person was not equipped with whatever resource, a whole new set of problematic coping skills can emerge as a reaction to the social disruption the underlying problem cause, which can appear to be fundamental character traits. In a way they are - they are chronic coping patterns, but only in context of a series of events that led to that expression of character. In a different context, away from the specter of whatever might've contributed to somebody's difficult traits, other traits can develop.
This is the end of the thread.
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