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need strength re toxic birth mom ??**trigger**??

Posted by surfergirl on July 3, 2009, at 18:55:39

This is difficult to share but here goes.

I was adopted at birth by nice relatively normal parrents. I was their only child. My mama began loosing herself to Alzheimer's disease when I was about 10. When I was 12 it was full blown. I essentially lost her in so many ways then. My own issues with mental health started arround age 13. She died when I was 19. My father died 14 months before her from lung cancer. Mama was in a nursing home by then but I was her conservator & saw her often & made sure they took good care of her. I had to bury both my parents & I loved them very much.

About 3 months after my birth-m found me. I was pretty excited to meet her but she was very pushy about advancing our relationship beyond what my heart could handle. She has never acknowledged that my parents did a good job or that I am a good person, pretty, fun to be with...anything that a mom might do. My therapist pointed that out. He is so right. I have never been able to call her mom or mother & can barely say her name. Later, when I had children I called her granny _______. She is overly sensitive, critical of others & controlling. But she is very intelligent & interesting. She has wounded me in so many ways when ever she spends any time with me. I am thinking about putting together a list of these in case I think about getting together with her.

She has been in & out of my life & just before last Christmas she said she did not want to see us anymore. That broke my heart so badly that I was physically ill. My consolation was & is, is that she is *not* my mother.

Just a month ago she re-initiated contact & I have been a nervous wreck. Now she wants to see me & kids again before she moves out of state on the 25th. With great fear set up a date to see her on the 18th.

I have searched my heart for *any* good or love she has brought the last 28 years since "finding" me (besides giving me up in the first place) & have found little. I have many, many bad memories of time with her. Talking to therapist, husband, close friends ALL tell me to let her go & not to see her. Even my 16 year old daughter wonders why I would want to see her. My oldest son does not want to go near her. My husband would go but only to support me. My youngest son might want to see her.

Oh so hard. I have wanted her to be that mother I long for. I need to be a good mother to my children & stop my insanity. I know this is taking time away from them. I am depressed, moody, irritable, way more than usual. I have started smoking again. arrrrgggghh. I rationally know I can't change her into a good mother. She has proven her complete inability again & again. Narcicist don't make good moms....I am glad she gave my & my brother up(him at birth too).

I have a script for my call "Its not going to work out for me to see you before you leave."
I don't want to get into "it" with her. I don't want to get wounded. What else could I say or add? any encouragement?

thanks...m


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poster:surfergirl thread:904810
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090624/msgs/904810.html