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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Fivefires on April 15, 2008, at 1:55:06
I made multiple phone calls, today, and in the past couple months, in an effort to elicit some help, but nothing changes. Part to blame lack of funds, docs and therapists and front office overworked, so there are more than just I who are suffering and shouldn't be. Is this supposed to make it okay?
How long must I lie in bed w/ so little hope and lose weight and lose my appetite and lose my self-esteem and then maybe lose the roof over my head? Will someone pay attn then, when I've lost it all? Like said, continually try to be pro-active, calling, asking if they've entered my words into the pute, asking if they'd pass on to pdoc, to make the powers that be aware I'm withering away, but my messages are not getting through to them or are, maybe, not urgent enough.
Must I 'fake it' to get inpatient care and a good look and re-evaluation at my treatmet? Feel free to use babblemail feature if anyone can sympathize.
This is .. this is .. MISTREATMENT! I haven't committed a crime and so must pay for it by some suffering. I'm a very sick person without any support at all. I'm mid age. I don't drink or use illicit drugs. Yet, feels I'm being treated like dispensible.(?) Has it come to this here in the United States? Are we just numbers? Where are family? Where is that one person you thought would stand by your side when your life was at stake?
And now, w/o my one most precious advocate and one I love so much, and with the trust I felt in this person shaken, I'm sick to my stomach and frightened at what seems to be more important to people than other people.
It's my feeling the likelihood of this downhill illness continuing is greater when we are without family or friends to sometimes look into the treatment we are or are not receiving. Whose gonna' believe a mentally ill person? Is this it? If there is a 'normal' person in view or in the room w/ med personnel, might my treatment be better? I don't think I'm imagining the times I've seen this exact thing happen.
I'm too scared to throw in the towel and am equally scared of 'fading away'. I am losing my 'self' more every day.
Been reading about atypical depression and can't get my mind off this - I have every symptom of it. I really have no other symptom of illness which isn't mentioned, unless anxiety was mentioned and I missed it in the article I read. I do have anxiety. The most promising med for its treatment is one which docs withhold re: dangers. I actually brought this med to the attn of my pdoc once and he balked at it.(?)
I need help so badly and today this need seems to have become enormous, because I am w/o my support person.
I'd just said to this person a day or two before, ... just please 'don't let go'.
As much as I am frustrated by the worsening of my health, maybe my support person is as well and it is this frustration that lead to needing 'a break from me', but it still hurts so much, like love w/ conditions or like love disappearing. I do not deal w/ loss of love .... much time must pass, and forgiveness. I find the trust lost is the hardest thing. Do I forgive them or try to forgive myself, and even if I can forgive one or the both, recultivating it in my soul is so difficult. Make any sense?
I'd appreciate prayers or whatever your thing is you do ... if you'd remember me please ... tonight or whenever. I can't bring myself to lie my head down and sleep for fear of awakening to this 'twisted reality telling me I am worthless'.
I try to remember you all and your words and your time given, in my prayers, but must admit sometimes have to say 'u know the rest of 'em that I care about, so pls take care of them too'.
I'm not on top of things here at site like many but it doesn't mean I'd not run to you if there were something I could do or say to help.
5f
Posted by ClearSkies on April 15, 2008, at 8:16:17
In reply to I've been too sick too long, posted by Fivefires on April 15, 2008, at 1:55:06
Thinking of you today, 5F. Cyber land is a cold and lonely place when one is suffering so. So difficult to take comfort in the flat words laid out upon a screen. They can't reach out and wrap a hug around you as much as they'd like to - what a failure of technology.
Babblemail on its way.
CS
Posted by Phillipa on April 15, 2008, at 10:49:47
In reply to Re: I've been too sick too long » Fivefires, posted by ClearSkies on April 15, 2008, at 8:16:17
Five Fires I know the frustration of looking for docs only to be told no more medicaire or we're full. I was beginning to think NC was the only state experiencing the lack of docs. Being alone is horrible unless it's your choice. And know it's not yours. Was not here last night on babble. Will write to you. Love Phillipa
Posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on April 16, 2008, at 9:15:36
In reply to I've been too sick too long, posted by Fivefires on April 15, 2008, at 1:55:06
Hi 5Fires..
Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. :-( Some doctors can be very cruel and insensitive. If you don't mind me asking, what treatment or med, is your Pdoc balking at?
I know it is really hard to do, but try getting even another family doctor who will take over your psych meds. There IS help and relief for your mental pain, you've just been stuck with the unfortunate bad batch of doctors. My doc is on vacation, and I have to see his partner today about a few things, and I know his partner is much more reserved and conservative about treatment, and that scares me a bit. But, I think somehow I'll make it. Take good care of yourself....Best,
JayP.S. I know this is sometimes impossible to do, but if you have to, fight with yourself to get in the shower, and cleaned up...somehow that seems to make me feel a bit better and give me a bit of fuel to go outside.
Posted by Fivefires on April 16, 2008, at 11:34:35
In reply to Re: I've been too sick too long » Fivefires, posted by Jay_Bravest_Face on April 16, 2008, at 9:15:36
Hi Jay. Pdoc is balking @ MAOIs. Also my therapist. She did send him an email about my feeling (I've tried everything but an MAOI.) I should at least try one, yesterday. My pdoc has grown tired of no AD working for me; thinks I shouldn't be on one at all.
Tks, 5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 16, 2008, at 19:22:58
In reply to Re: I've been too sick too long, posted by Fivefires on April 16, 2008, at 11:34:35
FF been on a mood stabalizer like lamictal, trileptal, lithium? Some say especially lamictal can act as an ad and then add some Deplin as a booster? Just a thought. Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 0:12:37
In reply to Re: I've been too sick too long » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 16, 2008, at 19:22:58
Lamictal and Trileptal; headaches. All I can think of is there might have been some 'nerve thing' going on re: my c-spine injury.
Never on lithium.
I'm beginning to wonder, pdoc either isn't 'getting me and my problem' orrrrrrr, what if I'm not communicating my real self to him properly and he's unable to do so.
I wish I had a partner here to bounce things off of; and to bounce me back off of, as when you're alone and w/o feedback, how do you really know youself??????
I've taken one of those tests, forget what called, but it was many years ago.
Tks Phillipa, 5f
Posted by Kath on April 17, 2008, at 20:35:01
In reply to Re: I've been too sick too long, posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 0:12:37
((((((((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))))
Hi Hunnee,
so sorry FF.
Wish I was close enough to hug you in person; to hold you, actually, for a long time!
Maybe the person sort of needed a break, but didn't know how to 'do it' nicely.
love you, Kath
Posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 23:28:35
In reply to Re: I've been too sick too long » Fivefires, posted by Kath on April 17, 2008, at 20:35:01
CON'FUZZ'CIOUS 5f SAY 'HUH KATH????' 'DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG AGAIN?' 'IS THERE SOMEONE HERE BESIDES ME WHO TOOK ME OVER FOR A WHILE?'
Seriously Kath, something just happened, prior to my reading your post and being confused. It was the following:
I rec'd a phone call from the uncle I was scared was going to die and then there wouldn't be any of my father left on this crummy earth, and he complemented me on my writing!????? o____o
o____o o____o ?
And: I'm suddenly feeling well, even maybe well enough to .. yikes can hardly type the words .. okay here goes .. ggggeeet iiiiiiiiin thtththe shoshoshowshowshowwwwwer!
So you know what this means? I JUST DIAGNOSED MY OWN REAL MENTAL ILLNESS. I MUST BE ATYPICALLY MENTALLY ILL!!!!!! yippee, yip yip yip, yippppeeeee
And that means if maybe my pdoc or my pcp will at least let me try Nardil, I might get close to normal! (Don't want to be too close, just quite a bit closer.)
Whatta ya' think? Did I just not have a revelation or what?
I'm freakin'. I feel like... wait a minute ... did I just need some attention? I am like Bob? What About Bob Bob? That was all he needed.
After my uncle told me this, I started writing a long letter to the wife of a man who was my father's friend who passed away. I sat here for nearly two hours w/ this intense focus and trying to put my feelings into the right words and I'm even feeling proud of myself.
My cell phone is playing 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' so someone is leaving a voice message or a text message.
Was it something I ate? No, haven't eaten yet. I didn't notice anything until I got up from writing and then I just felt better.
I'm sorry if I was just seeking attention. There is no way I would have thought that was what I was doing three hours ago. No way. I wouldn't do this to you guys. You're my best buds.
But I still have to re-read what you read because I didn't quite understand it.
Do I need you to explain it to me or should I try to focus better and then I'll figure it out. I'm too scared to let you tell me and too scared to try and figure it out myself. Maybe you could just give me a little clue and then I can figure it out, then we'll both feel good about ourselves, right?
I've been waiting on my skinny butt for pdoc to call and say 'okay let's try it', but it's still Thurs and he could call tomorrow re: Nardil.
Kath I'm sorry for saying so much if you're getting ready for bed or are gone somewhere or I'm interrupting you while you're settling in for the eve.
Pls let me hear from you in case I've said something wrong or done something wrong, when you can of course. You're too good a friend to say or do anything wrong to. (Doesn't look like I'm much of a writer here does it? But really, I put my mind to something I sent him a couple weeks ago and he complemented me and even said I should maybe write children's stories or poems. That complement pulled me right up and out of depression.
o____o
tks, and pls let me know what meant, oh, and, what you think of my 'revelation' here ...
5f
Posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 23:48:33
In reply to Re: I've been too sick too long » Fivefires, posted by Kath on April 17, 2008, at 20:35:01
> ((((((((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))))
>
> Hi Hunnee,
>
> so sorry FF.
>
> Wish I was close enough to hug you in person; to hold you, actually, for a long time!>I know you don't mean what another might mean by this, but it's sort of funny. Is it really you Kath? Just kidding, ... I think.
>
> Maybe the person sort of needed a break, but didn't know how to 'do it' nicely.
>Oh, you mean, I needed a break, my person, but I treated myself badly during the break. I think that's what you mean. I was afraid I was mean to someone else. But you're right, just because I need a break doesn't mean I should be mean to myself. I need to repeat that to myself a few times here.
> love you, Kath
u2 friend, 5f
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 17:42:53
In reply to Re: I've been too sick too long, posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 23:48:33
Fivefires,
I am sorry you are so depressed and nothing is working. Have you tried a cocktail. I know on other sites I go to that some people who have trouble with depression use a combo of meds like an ad and mood stablizer because the two in tandem booster each others effectiveness. Has the p-doc considered that? It seems to just use one AD after another isn't helpful since several of them are in the same class and if one doesn't work you could say probably the others might not either unless maybe you add something.
Anyway, I justed wanted to add my support for you. I hear your pain and wished I could take it away.
((((((FiveFires))))))
rsk
Posted by Kath on April 18, 2008, at 22:23:25
In reply to SICKTOOLONG ATTNALLCRAZYPEEPS (NardilorParnate?), posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 23:28:35
Hi FF,
I have no idea why you'd think you said anything wrong & no, I don't think you were just wanting attention!
I think EVERYone needs to receive positives & be acknowledged. I think it's lovely what your uncle said & I think it's a jolly good idea to BEGIN - yes, actually start, if it feels comfortable - to write whatever you want to!
I'm not sure what I said that you didn't quite understand.
What I meant was this:
maybe the person who abandoned you, was feeling overwhelmed, and sort of needed a 'break' & didn't know how to say it to you. Then when they spoke out, it came out way stronger than they meant.
I'm not sure if that's what you were referring to.
I hope I answered all your questions FF. I am not upset about anything & you didn't do anything wrong.
Did you go ahead & have your shower??!! I know that can be a really big thing when one is feeling awful.
I send my love, Kath
Posted by Kath on April 18, 2008, at 22:27:38
In reply to Re: I've been too sick too long, posted by Fivefires on April 17, 2008, at 23:48:33
> > Wish I was close enough to hug you in person; to hold you, actually, for a long time!>
>
> I know you don't mean what another might mean by this, but it's sort of funny. Is it really you Kath? Just kidding, ... I think.***********LOL - oops!! NOPE I'm not being weird. I just mean it'd be nice to be nurturing to you. Yes, it really is me!! :-))
> > Maybe the person sort of needed a break, but didn't know how to 'do it' nicely.
> >
>
> Oh, you mean, I needed a break, my person, but I treated myself badly during the break. I think that's what you mean. I was afraid I was mean to someone else. But you're right, just because I need a break doesn't mean I should be mean to myself. I need to repeat that to myself a few times here.******No, I actually meant the person who you counted on & who sort of abandoned you. But you know, what you're saying about has a point....no way should you be mean to yourself or put yourself down for feeling badly etc.
hugs, Kath
Posted by Fivefires on April 22, 2008, at 20:04:37
In reply to Re: I've been too sick too long » Fivefires, posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 17:42:53
Hi rsk
I'm so deep in this, I can barely reply to one a day here, and sorry to all so behind.
Thing is, I know there's prob' none of you who wouldn't forgive.
I don't know why pdoc isn't combo oriented as I've mentioned this.
Today pdoc called. Okayed Nardil only after consulting w/ my PCP, and pharmacist re: drug interactions etc. Pdoc wanted I go w/ EMSAM instead, but something told me to try Nardil first ... think get feeling here more of you are finding this better than EMSAM. Pdoc going on 2wk vaca, so I here alone w/ this. I will let you all know when I have the scrip in hand as I am a bit fearful. But ya' know, w/ these very bad feelings becoming so constant, it's like it is worth it.
Yes, this much of sitting here and replying, is all I can do right now. I need to get offline.
I am comforted knowing you all aren't letting go of me.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 22, 2008, at 23:29:58
In reply to Re: I've been too sick too long, posted by Fivefires on April 22, 2008, at 20:04:37
FF if you're going to take it see 4wheel drives six weeks into nardil on meds and write later. Love Phillipa
Posted by Kath on April 23, 2008, at 21:05:10
In reply to Re: I've been too sick too long, posted by Fivefires on April 22, 2008, at 20:04:37
Now that the weather is nicer ( & also I'm getting ready for May 8/9/10 pottery show/sale) I might now be online as often.
You're in my thoughts though.
love & hugs,Kath
Posted by Fivefires on April 25, 2008, at 22:50:48
In reply to Let us know how it goes, posted by Kath on April 23, 2008, at 21:05:10
So terribly sorry I've had to jump down here to Kath to say a few words. My pdoc is on 2wk vaca. He finally agreed to Nardil and called in. Said d.c. Flexeril for 2wks before begin though. Wonder why not Soma if Flexeril? Anyway, I'm not good. Another fam' member has dropped off my support list. But, I'm keeping in touch w/ the nurseline here. I cannot be admitted anywhere there is medical or psychiatric staff; was only offered stay weekend in halfway house where there would be a counselor, so not helpful to me. Once again I questioned about being admitted 'before' ideation turns to intent, but seems I get nowhere. No phone calls or visits, just one daughter has said she is sorry she can't be with me more. I don't know how I feel besides that I'm very depressed. I can't get to where I can think about stopping pain meds at this time. First need to get over this awful deep depression. People, just people around ya' know, that you pass by, or that live in your complex, can be so cruel. Why is there so much ignorance about this? Quite sad at a disagreement between son and I; very surprising behavior on his behalf. Had been there for me before. Think they're all giving up. I know you aren't. Oh my ... an answer to this would be just to meet w/ a few of you face to face and talk. I can't even sit down face to face w/ another who feels as I do here, w/o getting in somewhere under a pretense, and that would probably land me in a substandard place where I'd likely wished I'd done what I was pretending to do.
luvtoall
and: Called pharmacist and told him to hang onto Nardil for 2wks while Flexeril out of body for 2wks. Pdoc will be back then too. I must say I'm a little scared now, will be then, and then after this 'detox off pain meds' and maybe be in pain? Beam me up .. hey, just realized hadn't heard from Scott. You out there? Wonder his take on Nardil.
This is all I can do now.
Will try tomorrow.
I will read posts above of course. I'll just go backwards.
have'tletgo, 5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 25, 2008, at 23:17:31
In reply to Re: Let us know how it goes, posted by Fivefires on April 25, 2008, at 22:50:48
Five Fires this needs to be on meds not sure about the soma. And e-mail please. Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on April 26, 2008, at 15:12:37
In reply to Re: Let us know how it goes » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 25, 2008, at 23:17:31
I will move to meds when begin Nardil, if do.
Last night, middle of night, had a sudden onset revelation.
I am angry ... I mean really angry.
I'm awake in the middle of the night pissed off .. I on painkillers and now face pain because someone hurt me, but, what angers me is the
INJUSTICE.
Think what brought on was a woman telling me how unfair the world is and you just have to live w/ it.
A couple hours after talking w/ her, this feeling consumed me. I was so angry, I scared myself.
Anger ... I'm full of it.
Would you have known?
I didn't! (Not but for that we all know is part of the sadness and depression.)
Sad, depressed, oh yeah, but where was this sudden onset of seething anger emerging from and why now?
Root of all
How do I rid self of this? Forgiveness? Bahh! Not quite right. There is something between anger and forgiveness and I can't put my finger on it yet.
Perhaps all this depression is anger!
Pls don't worry I'd not hurt anyone; not flippin' out this way, though w/ thoughts that people do these things occurred last night; yes, very frightening.
Nope. There's another way.
A way between injustice to forgiveness.
Just gotta' find, and more than find, gotta' believe.
5f
Posted by Phillipa on April 26, 2008, at 18:24:19
In reply to Re: Let us know how it goes, posted by Fivefires on April 26, 2008, at 15:12:37
Some say that depression is anger turned inwards may be good that it is coming out? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on April 27, 2008, at 0:57:14
In reply to Re: Let us know how it goes » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 26, 2008, at 18:24:19
I know Phillipa.
Thing is, this is something that should be under control. I won't loose it; know myself well enough. But, another, in my situation, might likely.
Things have gone too far w/o attn that's for sure.
Not that I'm glad I've not uncovered this part of it all.
But, what do I do w/ it now? It's too late for civil suits, 10+yrs too late.
I've no recourse. There will be no justice.
I'm really into truth, honesty, and justice.
This is NOT easy for me, this forgiveness thing. I've fooled myself into thinking I had before, but I didn't really fool myself did I?????
tks P, 5f
Still haven't forgotten to respond below.
Posted by Fivefires on April 27, 2008, at 21:20:41
In reply to Re: SICKTOOLONG ATTNALLCRAZYPEEPS (NardilorParnate?) » Fivefires, posted by Kath on April 18, 2008, at 22:23:25
> Hi FF,
>
> I have no idea why you'd think you said anything wrong & no, I don't think you were just wanting attention!
>
> I think EVERYone needs to receive positives & be acknowledged. I think it's lovely what your uncle said & I think it's a jolly good idea to BEGIN - yes, actually start, if it feels comfortable - to write whatever you want to!
>
> I'm not sure what I said that you didn't quite understand.
>
> What I meant was this:
>
> maybe the person who abandoned you, was feeling overwhelmed, and sort of needed a 'break' & didn't know how to say it to you. Then when they spoke out, it came out way stronger than they meant.
>I thought you were saying that a part of me, referring to me behaving badly towards myself.(?) R u getting what I'm saying I was getting?
No wonder the misunderstanding. No prob' Kath. I was confused.> I'm not sure if that's what you were referring to.
>
> I hope I answered all your questions FF. I am not upset about anything & you didn't do anything wrong.
>
> Did you go ahead & have your shower??!! I know that can be a really big thing when one is feeling awful.
>
> I send my love, KathI know you do. I send mine back.
5f
This is the end of the thread.
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