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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by PhoenixGirl on July 16, 2007, at 23:43:42
I know this is a relationship issue, but that board doesn't get as many visits as this one.
I'm 29, and I met a 57-year-old married man through work. Over several months, we have fallen in love with each other. All we can think about is each other, and we email and talk on the phone every day. Then suddenly two weeks ago, I lost my job and had to move out of state to live with my parents while I'm looking for another job. He has been married since he was 20 years old and hasn't loved his wife for a long time. He did have a sexual affair about 6 years ago, but other than that, he's only been with his wife.
The obstacles to us being together are obvious. If he were younger, there would be no question that we would be together.
But neither of us can deny that we are in head-over-heels in love with each other. The love has really intensified in the past few weeks. He wants to leave his wife and have me move in with him, and I would but I don't know what would happen with his wife. She has a job, but I can't guarantee that I'm ready to marry a man who is twice my age, even though I love him more than I've loved anyone. In fact, this is the first time I've been in love. I want him to be in my life forever.
Please, someone, give me some advice.
Posted by Phil on July 17, 2007, at 8:08:26
In reply to A much older married man and I have fallen in love, posted by PhoenixGirl on July 16, 2007, at 23:43:42
I'm afraid you wouldn't like to hear what I've got to say.
Posted by Racer on July 17, 2007, at 11:48:20
In reply to Re: A much older married man and I have fallen in » PhoenixGirl, posted by Phil on July 17, 2007, at 8:08:26
> I'm afraid you wouldn't like to hear what I've got to say.
>Probably very much what I'd say...
Phoenix, think of the Anne Boleyn syndrome: if he does it with you, he'll do it to you.
Posted by Glydin on July 18, 2007, at 9:07:59
In reply to A much older married man and I have fallen in love, posted by PhoenixGirl on July 16, 2007, at 23:43:42
Oh my, please proceed carefully. Try to get beyond the "head over heels" thoughts and be objective in your decisions. I've know of three women in similar situations and none of them turned out to the benefit of those women. One actually stayed in an affair for 15 years... waiting and waiting on a promise never kept.... and there was ALWAYS a good reason for why it was never a good time for him to end his marriage (???)
These situations tend to be about cheating, lying and secrets... it's probably not the best foundation for a relationship that is healthy and meets the needs of both parties.
Please look out for your long term best interest.
Posted by Honore on July 18, 2007, at 15:37:01
In reply to Re: A much older married man and I have fallen in love » PhoenixGirl, posted by Glydin on July 18, 2007, at 9:07:59
I'm afraid that I have to add my warning also. When people haven't left their wife-- usually there's a reason, which involves at least some element of not being ready to leave.
Plus-- I do fear his unfaithfulness and "I haven't loved my wife in years"--this is always somehow taken as a negative reflection on his wife-- but why? she somehow is assumed to be undeserving of his affection? not attractive, etc?
This seems to me to be a trap, a category-- into which one also is always in danger of having (in his mind) fallen-- and I think it will hang over the relationship eventually when the excitement and newness fade.
I really really would be careful and self-protective here. Easy for me to say, I know-- and very very hard to carry out.
Honore
Posted by Phillipa on July 18, 2007, at 20:05:59
In reply to Re: A much older married man and I have fallen in, posted by Honore on July 18, 2007, at 15:37:01
I was once married to an older man divorced though he showed me Europe more than once and many cruises in the carribean. But it didn't last I left him. I am now 60 but he is 75 now and that makes the age differece significant. Illnesses and what not. Now married to a younger man all the same things happening in reverse. So don't do it find and wait for the right person closer in age. And memories are different with age difference even taste in music. Love Phillipa
Posted by Jai Narayan on July 19, 2007, at 20:00:35
In reply to A much older married man and I have fallen in love, posted by PhoenixGirl on July 16, 2007, at 23:43:42
> I know this is a relationship issue, but that board doesn't get as many visits as this one.
> I'm 29, and I met a 57-year-old married man through work. Over several months, we have fallen in love with each other. All we can think about is each other, and we email and talk on the phone every day. Then suddenly two weeks ago, I lost my job and had to move out of state to live with my parents while I'm looking for another job. He has been married since he was 20 years old and hasn't loved his wife for a long time. He did have a sexual affair about 6 years ago, but other than that, he's only been with his wife.
> The obstacles to us being together are obvious. If he were younger, there would be no question that we would be together.
> But neither of us can deny that we are in head-over-heels in love with each other. The love has really intensified in the past few weeks. He wants to leave his wife and have me move in with him, and I would but I don't know what would happen with his wife. She has a job, but I can't guarantee that I'm ready to marry a man who is twice my age, even though I love him more than I've loved anyone. In fact, this is the first time I've been in love. I want him to be in my life forever.
> Please, someone, give me some advice.People have weighed in and this sounds pretty intense with you saying, "I want him to be in my life forever."
Now what do you think?
Jai
Posted by PhoenixGirl on July 20, 2007, at 13:48:47
In reply to Re: A much older married man and I have fallen in love, posted by Jai Narayan on July 19, 2007, at 20:00:35
Well, not because of the posts so much, but just from thinking about it, I'm not so thrilled about the guy. I think I got caught up in emotions and needing to love someone because I just lost my job. I confused that with love. I want to be friends with the man, but that is all. Now I don't know how to tell him.
Posted by Jai Narayan on July 20, 2007, at 14:40:13
In reply to Re: A much older married man and I have fallen in love, posted by PhoenixGirl on July 20, 2007, at 13:48:47
> Well, not because of the posts so much, but just from thinking about it, I'm not so thrilled about the guy. I think I got caught up in emotions and needing to love someone because I just lost my job. I confused that with love. I want to be friends with the man, but that is all. Now I don't know how to tell him.
now that's a completely different problem. You sound very clear and know where your feeling are. That's half the struggle. I have confidence in your ability to know how and when to tell him how you feel.
I'm not on this site very often but when I've read your posts, in the past, I've always appreciated what you had to say.
Posted by PhoenixGirl on July 20, 2007, at 17:16:11
In reply to Re: A much older married man and I have fallen in love, posted by Jai Narayan on July 20, 2007, at 14:40:13
I can't believe how fast my feelings have changed. I'm just wacked out since being pressured to quit my job a few weeks ago. I quit, and now I'm jobless and under my parents' roof again at age 29. Not a good situation.
Posted by Jai Narayan on July 20, 2007, at 22:57:48
In reply to Re: A much older married man and I have fallen in love, posted by PhoenixGirl on July 20, 2007, at 17:16:11
> I can't believe how fast my feelings have changed. I'm just wacked out since being pressured to quit my job a few weeks ago. I quit, and now I'm jobless and under my parents' roof again at age 29. Not a good situation.
I can totally understand how you feel. That had happened to me as well when I was in my late twenties.
My best to you
Jai
Posted by confuzyq on July 21, 2007, at 11:21:21
In reply to Re: A much older married man and I have fallen in love, posted by PhoenixGirl on July 20, 2007, at 13:48:47
Hi PhoenixGirl! You have the absolutely perfect thing to say, completely logical and easy to present as not a personal commentary on your feelings for him: That you simply can't/won't tolerate this classically tragic scenario. This is even one case where after breaking up with someone, it would be less guilt-inducing to never even take one more phone call from him again, since obviously you are just "protecting yourself," "being strong," and doing what's right for everyone concerned (if you factor in the wife and/or family). ;-)
Then again... You'd have to hope he wouldn't "prove" his seriousness to you by going ahead and leaving his wife, since a few actually do. But the statistics on that are definitely on your side. ;-)
> Well, not because of the posts so much, but just from thinking about it, I'm not so thrilled about the guy. I think I got caught up in emotions and needing to love someone because I just lost my job. I confused that with love. I want to be friends with the man, but that is all. Now I don't know how to tell him.
Posted by confuzyq on July 21, 2007, at 11:36:58
In reply to Re: A much older married man and I have fallen in love, posted by PhoenixGirl on July 20, 2007, at 17:16:11
...if he does show back up at some point, saying "I WILL leave her for you..." You can then tell him not to even think about it, that your moral convictions have been too disturbed by how it all happened, to ever allow you to have a completely trusting and healthy relationship. And that in fact it changed your feelings in the end.
Ok ok I know I'm probably oversimplifying how easy the extrication could be. But it's probably the best way to get out and slam/lock the door to any residuals immediately, since your feelings really have changed. Good luck!
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