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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by SandyWeb on November 30, 2006, at 1:47:38
.....but I'm not actively suicidal. Even with my tranquilizers, I can't find my hope.
Sandy
Posted by Declan on November 30, 2006, at 2:15:01
In reply to I Feel Like Dying.........., posted by SandyWeb on November 30, 2006, at 1:47:38
But your hope can be so hard to find.
Not hope as in 'do I have any hope that things will ever be OK', but hope that lives inside you and gives you a reason to face the day.
And it can be so hard to find.
For me it always involves questions about relations with others, that I have or do not have, needs, basic ones, that are, for the most part, unfulfilled and unexplored.
Not that that should be a surprise in this one-size-fits-all world.
Posted by SandyWeb on November 30, 2006, at 2:28:35
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying.......... » SandyWeb, posted by Declan on November 30, 2006, at 2:15:01
Hi Declan,
I don't understand why my posting was removed to another area. I thought I was in the Social Section. I guess Psycho-Babble must have changed a bit since the last time I was here. Sorry about that. I didn't mean to cause any confusion.
Thanks for answering so quickly. The last few months have been so incredibly difficult, and I truly feel like I'm losing the battle. But I'm still here, day after day......although I DON'T KNOW WHY.
Thanks for your words. I appreciate the response.
Take care.
Sandy
Posted by capricorn on November 30, 2006, at 7:18:04
In reply to I Feel Like Dying.........., posted by SandyWeb on November 30, 2006, at 1:47:38
(((((SandyWeb)))))
Tim
Who knows only too well what you mean.
Posted by SandyWeb on November 30, 2006, at 9:09:54
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying.........., posted by capricorn on November 30, 2006, at 7:18:04
((((Tim))))
Not to get too graphic here, but I slit my wrist wide open about 3 1/2 years ago now. And with everything that had finally led up to that event, it seems that I have lost all my dreams. A person can not live without a single dream, it appears. And I have no means to attain any of my previous dreams, and no insight as to any future dreams that I truly could call "dreams".
But I trudge on with my anti-anxiety meds which leave much to be desired. But I guess it's the best that we can do, huh?
I wish you all the best in the world, Tim. Our minds can make this such a sad and lonely existence, when in actuality......this planet, with its wide variety of weather systems, animals, plants, peoples, and languages....is the most imcredible place to experience our short lives within.
Have a great day!
Sandy
Posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2006, at 12:13:22
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........(Trigger) » capricorn, posted by SandyWeb on November 30, 2006, at 9:09:54
Sandy it is Social and I hope you feel better today. Love Phillipa
Posted by Deneb on December 1, 2006, at 0:52:28
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........(Trigger) » capricorn, posted by SandyWeb on November 30, 2006, at 9:09:54
((((((((((((((SandyWeb)))))))))))))))
I wish you didn't feel like dying. I don't want you to die. I care that you're alive.
Deneb*
Posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 3:32:02
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........(Trigger) » SandyWeb, posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2006, at 12:13:22
Hi Phillipa,
Thank you for chatting. I am feeling better today. Maybe because I took a higher dose of my anti-anxiety meds than prescribed. Maybe all I need is an adjustment in that med, which will help me work my way through my feelings of self-worthlessness.
What bothers me so much is that I have no direction to look. I had options coming out of my ears up to a few years ago......and now there is NOTHING. And once the kids are gone (and remember that my son is now 18 years old)...well, I'm left with unutterable loneliness and my brain will just collaspe in upon itself from lack of stimulation. I've experienced about 3 months of not having one child at home with me.....and what makes it worse....I have agoraphobia. I can't even walk across the street to get some milk or to at least interact in SOME way with other people because I'm scared of.......being seen. And within those 3 months, suicide was on my mind a lot. I realy truly was coming to the end of what I could tolerate. I WAS SO ALONE.
But I'm okay now with my son living back home (temporarily, I know), and I'm trying to do things on my own. Like walk to the library. But it's still hard.
And my life is absolutely purposeless. So many important and happy people died in Swissair Flight 111, and yet.....I'm still here. I got to see what was left of them and their belongings and the plane. And I'm still here. Doing nothing. When they would have been carrying on with their purposeful lives. It's hard. I think I'll become a bag lady one day.
But thanks for the message. I am always surprised at the kindness of this Psycho-Babble board. People who knew me when I broke down are still here and say "hi", and new people who I've never met (or don't rmember meeting....sorry) have a nice word to say to me. Dr. Bob really did save my life way back then, even though he irritated the heck out of me with all the cops!!!! LOL!!!! But he's also built up a community of such very compassionate and caring people here. I feel it's a safe place to come.
Thanks again, Phillipa. And I DO remember YOU. *smile*
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 7:19:13
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........(Trigger) » SandyWeb, posted by Deneb on December 1, 2006, at 0:52:28
Hi Deneb,
Thanks for the hugs. I am feeling much better today. I was having difficulties dealing with my daughter's recent problems, and then I was having a LOT of worries about how my son was going to achieve his focus to do well with his school work. I have the best intentions, and I have all these plans for helping my kids (because I love them so much and I want them to do incredibly better than I ever did). But the pressure of making all the plans and phone calls and appointments and then even just TRYING to discuss all these plans with the kids was just more than I could take. I'm not the same Sandra as I used to be.
I feel so purposeless and ineffective in trying to guide my kids, and I feel that once they are on their own.....there really is no reason for me to be around UNLESS I can find a volunteer position that I feel is worthwhile to the people in the neighborhood. Plus one that doesn't cost me any bus fares because I barely make enough to survive as it is. But I don't see anything within walking distance that catches my attention as being an organization that I want to align myself with.
Maybe if I could get myself to screw up my courage and go to church (with lots of anti-anxiety meds in my system....isn't that pathetic??)....maybe I could discover some local shelters or soup kitchen or a clothing bank.....SOMETHING that would give me a purpose to breathe this air that others had taken away from them through illness, murders and accidents. I need a purpose.
Also, I am having a tremendous amount of trouble with my son. I was so happy to have him back, but he is such a verbally abusive boy to me and he just keeps yelling at me to get off the computer. I try to tell him that he is a visitor in my home, but he is still acting like a child (18-years of age does not turn a male into an adult! Lol). But I also know that if he moves out, I will be all alone again.....and that becomes absolutely intolerable after a period of time. And suicide seems like the only option for the despair that I would feel. *sigh*
I'm sorry to end this email in such a negative mood, but my son is really making me feel like a bad mum because I take medications and I'm on Welfare and that I spend too much time on the computer (my only outlet to the world, which I find healthful since I can make friends....even if I never can meet them).
I must go. The son is getting too restless. Take care of yourself. Thank you once again for the hugs. I appreciated them.
God bless,
Sandy
Posted by clearskies on December 1, 2006, at 16:30:32
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........(Trigger) » Deneb, posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 7:19:13
I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time, Sandy. I sure do miss you from here.
I hope that you are able to see that you DO have direction and purpose, beyond your children... even in our isolation we are able to reach out to each other on babble. It's this understanding and comfort that we can here that I treasure so much.Keep coming back, Sandy, and stay for a while, please?
ClearSkies
Posted by Phillipa on December 1, 2006, at 17:39:54
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........(Trigger) » Phillipa, posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 3:32:02
Sandy I know how you feel. I too am agoraphobic and my benzos don't work the same anymore. And I always think like you that there is nothing to look forward to that I have been successful in raising three kids ,having a dance program, the nursing, and traveling the world. So what is left now? Volunteering in the hospital is out as they are all around 85years old here. Anyone with ideas? Love Phillipa
Posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 22:48:41
In reply to Hello SandyWeb, posted by clearskies on December 1, 2006, at 16:30:32
Hey there ClearSkies, my friend!
How are you doing these days? Are you getting your life more under control? It's tough, isn't it? I always say that you shouldn't expect to get back to the way you originally were, but to be content with the person you are now....and enjoy the memories of the strong girl you once were. And Hey......you've got a man who loves you, even with all your quirks! Lol. I consider that to be a very pleasant thought. I really hope that you are doing well. I never come to Psycho-Babble anymore, so I don't know what is happening in everyone's lives. But you were such a major part of my dark time that I REALLY do wish the world for you. You were (and are) a wonderfully caring person to me....even when I was freaking you out and disrupting your own recovery. But you stuck by me. THANK YOU, CLEARSKIES. It means a lot to have someone believe in you SO much that they are willing to go a little crazy themselves just to stick with you and help you to hold onto that one little bit of myself that was left. Thank you, again. You are a very wise and tender-hearted woman. I know that people are proud to call you "friend".
I don't feel the isolation now simply because my son is living back with me. It's both a blessing and a downfall. He helps when I need to walk to the grocery store (both of use walked to the dang store tonight in the RAIN, got freezing cold, and then he went straight to bed when we got home! I guess we should have waited until tomorrow....but we could hear that Diet Pepsi calling our names! LOL). But he is very lazy, and keeps telling me that he is going to fail his classes when he goes back to school in February. I *want* to be the GREAT mother that keeps him on focus and infuses him with energy to keep his eyes on the goal (to work in computer graphics)....but I just know myself better now. I'm not that strong woman anymore. I'll start out that way....but then I'll lose power and slip away because I'll just find it too stressful to deal with every day. Benzos just don't help in these stypes of situations. But I'll try. And I'll try to make school life a bit easier for Ben by having him only take one difficult class and two semi-difficult classes. That's only 3 classes!!! HE CAN DO IT!!!! I have faith in him. I just don't have the energy to keep walking beside him. I'm not the same Sandy.....and I really regret that. I can sense that I will fail him, and in turn....he will fail because no one will be guiding him. Oh, I can't explain this. And it doesn't help that he already verbally abuses me....and we haven't even gotten into the school schedule yet. He'll have to have rules....even though he's 18-years old! Homework done between certain hours, tv and computer off by a certain time and BEDTIME at probably 11pm (does that sound REASONABLE for a MAN-CHILD?) I told him that I was going to make a list for him (regardless of school), and he said "okay". We'll see which are stronger...words or actions soon. The calendar will have days for him to do his laundry, to change his bed clothes, to vaccuum his room, etc. He will also daily have to pick up his room, take out the garbage, and not to be a phone-line hog (we only have dial-up since we're POOR! I need the phone sometimes, you know). And the main thing is.....he has to be nice. He is allowed his moods and tiffs, but I do not want to be the subect of his verbal abuse. I'm sorry if I take Benzos, I'm sorry if I communicate with people on the computer for too many hours (I'm so isolated that they are the only ones I can chat with and feel like I'm part of the world), I'm sorry for not being the mum you would like me to be. BUT......I'm so much better than I used to be. Just don't raise your voice to me and throw my faults in my face. Believe me....I live with them every day. I know exactly what my faults are. But I love him anyway. And I know he loves me.....he's just frustrated....and I'm the only one here to take it out on. Still.....it hurts.
I've writtena novel, I think. Be happy, Clearskies. Enjoy the holidays. You are a profound lady, and I pray that you continue on your road to recovery. Bye, love.
Posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 23:22:01
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........(Trigger) » SandyWeb, posted by Phillipa on December 1, 2006, at 17:39:54
Hi again Phillipa,
Agoraphobia. What a nasty grip it can have on an otherwise enjoyable life. I am the type of person who LOVES people.....I love to get involved in organizations, campaigns, volunteer activities, clubs, and just hanging out with a few good friends. Know what? That is a fantasy because my anxiety issues began in the 4th grade (couldn't tell you why....don't know), and they just got worse until I made my attempt in my late 30's. I tried to join groups as a kid....ballet, Brownies, theatre, tennis, home ec.......but I always felt so awkward and you learn how to ACT that you are as okay as the rest of the world....but you're not. And that stress builds. As a yong adult in college (in California), I joined an environmental group. I was supposed to wheel away a container full of recycable papers every day, and replace it with an empty one. I even volunteered for it. I just wanted to be involved with people so badly. Know what? I never did it once (scared me too much), and I never returned to the group.
But what's weird.....I was a police dispatcher for 4 years in a city of about 1 million people. Gangs and the whole bit. And I was fine. I actually LOVED my job. I worked as much overtime as I could. If someone couldn't do a shift, I was ready and willing to jump in. It was my home away from home. It was my family. But after my first baby was born....and hubby was not working but playing Mr. Mum....I had to quit when he bloodied my baby's mouth (who had no teeth at the time) because he wouldn't stop crying one night. I worked graveyard. LOVED working graveyard. So....I became mum. (And all this has nothing really to do with agoraphobia. Sorry).
Agoraphobia. Yes, it's an evil condition. I would wait until everyone was asleep in my apartment building, then walk briskly to the garbage chute to get rid of our junk.....shaking all the way. And still shaking when I got back inside. The phone made me jump out of my skin (which I never would answer...and took a miracle for me to actually call someone)...and the door buzzer made my heart leap out of my chest. I have to admit that the benzos help with the startle reflex. I rarely jump now....whic is SUCH a relief!!!!!! What do you take? I'm taking Ativan 2mg 4x per day...as needed. And even that is not enough because before my son moved back in.....I could NOT leave this apartment. I barely ate because I couldn't get to the store. I actually had the library deliver books to my home every 3 weeks just because I couldn't get out. The "Homebound Program", it was called. The benzos did not help. But now that my son is here....it is so much easier to walk down to the laundry room (medicated, of course), go to the store, even go to the library (which I did TWICE by MYSELF!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!!!). I don't know why it helps to have someone else in the house, but the benzos make it somewhat easier to cope when I'm not so isolated. Isolation is NOT good. We were not made to be such people....we need to socialize. And you and I and countless others want to join in the activities in this world (barbeques, swimming parties, girls' night out, book clubs, movies, even sitting on your own balcony and watching the people walk by).....but for some chemical reason, we can not do this alone.
Hey, if you lived close to me, I'd do volunteering with you. I'd LOVB to be involved in a worthwhile project. I doubt it, but do you happen to live in eastern Canada?? I'd invite you over for a mug of chocolate coffee (my favorite!!), and we could see on the balcony an watch the people walking and jogging along the hiking trail behind the apartment complex. It would be a lovely experience.
I must go. I talk to much. You take care of yourself. Babblemail me if you would like my Messenger ID so we could chat some nights. We may be able to take comfort from that.
God bless,
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 23:26:51
In reply to Re: Hello SandyWeb » clearskies, posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 22:48:41
> Hey there ClearSkies, my friend!
>
> How are you doing these days? Are you getting your life more under control? It's tough, isn't it? I always say that you shouldn't expect to get back to the way you originally were, but to be content with the person you are now....and enjoy the memories of the strong girl you once were. And Hey......you've got a man who loves you, even with all your quirks! Lol. I consider that to be a very pleasant thought. I really hope that you are doing well. I never come to Psycho-Babble anymore, so I don't know what is happening in everyone's lives. But you were such a major part of my dark time that I REALLY do wish the world for you. You were (and are) a wonderfully caring person to me....even when I was freaking you out and disrupting your own recovery. But you stuck by me. THANK YOU, CLEARSKIES. It means a lot to have someone believe in you SO much that they are willing to go a little crazy themselves just to stick with you and help you to hold onto that one little bit of myself that was left. Thank you, again. You are a very wise and tender-hearted woman. I know that people are proud to call you "friend".
>
> I don't feel the isolation now simply because my son is living back with me. It's both a blessing and a downfall. He helps when I need to walk to the grocery store (both of use walked to the dang store tonight in the RAIN, got freezing cold, and then he went straight to bed when we got home! I guess we should have waited until tomorrow....but we could hear that Diet Pepsi calling our names! LOL). But he is very lazy, and keeps telling me that he is going to fail his classes when he goes back to school in February. I *want* to be the GREAT mother that keeps him on focus and infuses him with energy to keep his eyes on the goal (to work in computer graphics)....but I just know myself better now. I'm not that strong woman anymore. I'll start out that way....but then I'll lose power and slip away because I'll just find it too stressful to deal with every day. Benzos just don't help in these stypes of situations. But I'll try. And I'll try to make school life a bit easier for Ben by having him only take one difficult class and two semi-difficult classes. That's only 3 classes!!! HE CAN DO IT!!!! I have faith in him. I just don't have the energy to keep walking beside him. I'm not the same Sandy.....and I really regret that. I can sense that I will fail him, and in turn....he will fail because no one will be guiding him. Oh, I can't explain this. And it doesn't help that he already verbally abuses me....and we haven't even gotten into the school schedule yet. He'll have to have rules....even though he's 18-years old! Homework done between certain hours, tv and computer off by a certain time and BEDTIME at probably 11pm (does that sound REASONABLE for a MAN-CHILD?) I told him that I was going to make a list for him (regardless of school), and he said "okay". We'll see which are stronger...words or actions soon. The calendar will have days for him to do his laundry, to change his bed clothes, to vaccuum his room, etc. He will also daily have to pick up his room, take out the garbage, and not to be a phone-line hog (we only have dial-up since we're POOR! I need the phone sometimes, you know). And the main thing is.....he has to be nice. He is allowed his moods and tiffs, but I do not want to be the subect of his verbal abuse. I'm sorry if I take Benzos, I'm sorry if I communicate with people on the computer for too many hours (I'm so isolated that they are the only ones I can chat with and feel like I'm part of the world), I'm sorry for not being the mum you would like me to be. BUT......I'm so much better than I used to be. Just don't raise your voice to me and throw my faults in my face. Believe me....I live with them every day. I know exactly what my faults are. But I love him anyway. And I know he loves me.....he's just frustrated....and I'm the only one here to take it out on. Still.....it hurts.
>
> I've writtena novel, I think. Be happy, Clearskies. Enjoy the holidays. You are a profound lady, and I pray that you continue on your road to recovery. By the way, if you ever figured out Messenger, please Babblemail me for my ID.....I will GLADLY add you and we can chat all night, honey!!!!! Good night, love. Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 23:31:30
In reply to Re: Hello SandyWeb » SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 23:26:51
Oops....
The previous message was a copy of one I sent to ClearSkies.....only at the end I invited her to Babblemail if she had a Messanger account....then we could chat privately all night. Sorry for the boo-boo.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on December 2, 2006, at 2:53:01
In reply to I Feel Like Dying.........., posted by SandyWeb on November 30, 2006, at 1:47:38
But don't you ever feel, NO MATTER WHAT, that you simply won't make it? That your future is already mapped out, which for me includes a razor blade? That there's no way of gettng away from it? It follows you everywhere. It doesn't matter who you're chatting with or who you are spending time with....the thought is always present...that this is just a short time in your life. And one day you will see the same scene over again...because it wasn't completed the first time.
I am not suicidal NOW....but the thoughts never end. I have to see my kids through school first...a few short years....a few LONG years of loneliness and grief where my heart feels it will simply break....and I have nothing left to give. And the scene (THAT scene from a few years ago) continues to its purposed ending. But better this time...the kids are grown.
And my family....so many of my family....are already in Heaven....and it will be wondeful to have a life with them where my brain is healed and I am myself....and not some slowly dying crack.
No....I have no plans for now. No....I am not actively suicidal. I still have my kids. But I can't stop the thoughts. I just want to close my eyes.
You feel that way? Just wondering? That your future has already been played out.....you're just waiting for the conclusion of the play?
Sandy
Posted by Phillipa on December 2, 2006, at 18:21:47
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........Trigger, posted by SandyWeb on December 2, 2006, at 2:53:01
Yup kids grown doing well two grown grandchildren and none of them live near me and my husband doesn't understand. I'm the one that wants to get out and do things to him it's a chore. But alone I can't do it. So I understand. But nope I'm in North Caroline. Love Phillipa
Posted by SandyWeb on December 6, 2006, at 23:15:15
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........Trigger » SandyWeb, posted by Phillipa on December 2, 2006, at 18:21:47
Oh Phillipa, I wish I lived closer to you than I do. Then I know that we could walk outside these four walls together. Isn't it odd that when we are by ourselves, we feel so helpless and SCARED to turn the doorknob? But when we have someone with us, we find strength to walk straight and tall and even talk with people right in their eyes? Maybe the anti-anxiety has something to do with that, and MAYBE....it's just Phillipa and Sandra trying to break loose from this darn jail!
What do you think we should do? Would you like to start a small Agoraphobia group on Yahoo? We could have "challenges" of everyone taking a walk out the front door that day or maybe even answering the phone if it rang. We could congratulate on these INCREDIBLE accomplishments, and encourage others to keep trying....we will help all we can. Maybe we could even send little care packages and encouraging cards in the postal mail as surprises from time to time. Or if the agoraphobia has a massive grip on someone, maybe we could send some mystery books to keep their mind stimulated.
I don't know. What do you think? It might turn out to be a good thing.
Let me know.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on December 6, 2006, at 23:20:25
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........Trigger » SandyWeb, posted by Phillipa on December 2, 2006, at 18:21:47
Phillipa,
I just had a thought. Babblemail me, and I'll give you my Messenger name so that we can chat about this. It's kind-of scary at first, but then it gets to be fun!
I hope to hear from you!
Sandy
This is the end of the thread.
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