Posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 23:22:01
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........(Trigger) » SandyWeb, posted by Phillipa on December 1, 2006, at 17:39:54
Hi again Phillipa,
Agoraphobia. What a nasty grip it can have on an otherwise enjoyable life. I am the type of person who LOVES people.....I love to get involved in organizations, campaigns, volunteer activities, clubs, and just hanging out with a few good friends. Know what? That is a fantasy because my anxiety issues began in the 4th grade (couldn't tell you why....don't know), and they just got worse until I made my attempt in my late 30's. I tried to join groups as a kid....ballet, Brownies, theatre, tennis, home ec.......but I always felt so awkward and you learn how to ACT that you are as okay as the rest of the world....but you're not. And that stress builds. As a yong adult in college (in California), I joined an environmental group. I was supposed to wheel away a container full of recycable papers every day, and replace it with an empty one. I even volunteered for it. I just wanted to be involved with people so badly. Know what? I never did it once (scared me too much), and I never returned to the group.
But what's weird.....I was a police dispatcher for 4 years in a city of about 1 million people. Gangs and the whole bit. And I was fine. I actually LOVED my job. I worked as much overtime as I could. If someone couldn't do a shift, I was ready and willing to jump in. It was my home away from home. It was my family. But after my first baby was born....and hubby was not working but playing Mr. Mum....I had to quit when he bloodied my baby's mouth (who had no teeth at the time) because he wouldn't stop crying one night. I worked graveyard. LOVED working graveyard. So....I became mum. (And all this has nothing really to do with agoraphobia. Sorry).
Agoraphobia. Yes, it's an evil condition. I would wait until everyone was asleep in my apartment building, then walk briskly to the garbage chute to get rid of our junk.....shaking all the way. And still shaking when I got back inside. The phone made me jump out of my skin (which I never would answer...and took a miracle for me to actually call someone)...and the door buzzer made my heart leap out of my chest. I have to admit that the benzos help with the startle reflex. I rarely jump now....whic is SUCH a relief!!!!!! What do you take? I'm taking Ativan 2mg 4x per day...as needed. And even that is not enough because before my son moved back in.....I could NOT leave this apartment. I barely ate because I couldn't get to the store. I actually had the library deliver books to my home every 3 weeks just because I couldn't get out. The "Homebound Program", it was called. The benzos did not help. But now that my son is here....it is so much easier to walk down to the laundry room (medicated, of course), go to the store, even go to the library (which I did TWICE by MYSELF!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!!!). I don't know why it helps to have someone else in the house, but the benzos make it somewhat easier to cope when I'm not so isolated. Isolation is NOT good. We were not made to be such people....we need to socialize. And you and I and countless others want to join in the activities in this world (barbeques, swimming parties, girls' night out, book clubs, movies, even sitting on your own balcony and watching the people walk by).....but for some chemical reason, we can not do this alone.
Hey, if you lived close to me, I'd do volunteering with you. I'd LOVB to be involved in a worthwhile project. I doubt it, but do you happen to live in eastern Canada?? I'd invite you over for a mug of chocolate coffee (my favorite!!), and we could see on the balcony an watch the people walking and jogging along the hiking trail behind the apartment complex. It would be a lovely experience.
I must go. I talk to much. You take care of yourself. Babblemail me if you would like my Messenger ID so we could chat some nights. We may be able to take comfort from that.
God bless,
Sandy
poster:SandyWeb
thread:708880
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061123/msgs/709570.html