Posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 22:48:41
In reply to Hello SandyWeb, posted by clearskies on December 1, 2006, at 16:30:32
Hey there ClearSkies, my friend!
How are you doing these days? Are you getting your life more under control? It's tough, isn't it? I always say that you shouldn't expect to get back to the way you originally were, but to be content with the person you are now....and enjoy the memories of the strong girl you once were. And Hey......you've got a man who loves you, even with all your quirks! Lol. I consider that to be a very pleasant thought. I really hope that you are doing well. I never come to Psycho-Babble anymore, so I don't know what is happening in everyone's lives. But you were such a major part of my dark time that I REALLY do wish the world for you. You were (and are) a wonderfully caring person to me....even when I was freaking you out and disrupting your own recovery. But you stuck by me. THANK YOU, CLEARSKIES. It means a lot to have someone believe in you SO much that they are willing to go a little crazy themselves just to stick with you and help you to hold onto that one little bit of myself that was left. Thank you, again. You are a very wise and tender-hearted woman. I know that people are proud to call you "friend".
I don't feel the isolation now simply because my son is living back with me. It's both a blessing and a downfall. He helps when I need to walk to the grocery store (both of use walked to the dang store tonight in the RAIN, got freezing cold, and then he went straight to bed when we got home! I guess we should have waited until tomorrow....but we could hear that Diet Pepsi calling our names! LOL). But he is very lazy, and keeps telling me that he is going to fail his classes when he goes back to school in February. I *want* to be the GREAT mother that keeps him on focus and infuses him with energy to keep his eyes on the goal (to work in computer graphics)....but I just know myself better now. I'm not that strong woman anymore. I'll start out that way....but then I'll lose power and slip away because I'll just find it too stressful to deal with every day. Benzos just don't help in these stypes of situations. But I'll try. And I'll try to make school life a bit easier for Ben by having him only take one difficult class and two semi-difficult classes. That's only 3 classes!!! HE CAN DO IT!!!! I have faith in him. I just don't have the energy to keep walking beside him. I'm not the same Sandy.....and I really regret that. I can sense that I will fail him, and in turn....he will fail because no one will be guiding him. Oh, I can't explain this. And it doesn't help that he already verbally abuses me....and we haven't even gotten into the school schedule yet. He'll have to have rules....even though he's 18-years old! Homework done between certain hours, tv and computer off by a certain time and BEDTIME at probably 11pm (does that sound REASONABLE for a MAN-CHILD?) I told him that I was going to make a list for him (regardless of school), and he said "okay". We'll see which are stronger...words or actions soon. The calendar will have days for him to do his laundry, to change his bed clothes, to vaccuum his room, etc. He will also daily have to pick up his room, take out the garbage, and not to be a phone-line hog (we only have dial-up since we're POOR! I need the phone sometimes, you know). And the main thing is.....he has to be nice. He is allowed his moods and tiffs, but I do not want to be the subect of his verbal abuse. I'm sorry if I take Benzos, I'm sorry if I communicate with people on the computer for too many hours (I'm so isolated that they are the only ones I can chat with and feel like I'm part of the world), I'm sorry for not being the mum you would like me to be. BUT......I'm so much better than I used to be. Just don't raise your voice to me and throw my faults in my face. Believe me....I live with them every day. I know exactly what my faults are. But I love him anyway. And I know he loves me.....he's just frustrated....and I'm the only one here to take it out on. Still.....it hurts.
I've writtena novel, I think. Be happy, Clearskies. Enjoy the holidays. You are a profound lady, and I pray that you continue on your road to recovery. Bye, love.
poster:SandyWeb
thread:708880
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061123/msgs/709565.html