Posted by SandyWeb on December 1, 2006, at 3:32:02
In reply to Re: I Feel Like Dying..........(Trigger) » SandyWeb, posted by Phillipa on November 30, 2006, at 12:13:22
Hi Phillipa,
Thank you for chatting. I am feeling better today. Maybe because I took a higher dose of my anti-anxiety meds than prescribed. Maybe all I need is an adjustment in that med, which will help me work my way through my feelings of self-worthlessness.
What bothers me so much is that I have no direction to look. I had options coming out of my ears up to a few years ago......and now there is NOTHING. And once the kids are gone (and remember that my son is now 18 years old)...well, I'm left with unutterable loneliness and my brain will just collaspe in upon itself from lack of stimulation. I've experienced about 3 months of not having one child at home with me.....and what makes it worse....I have agoraphobia. I can't even walk across the street to get some milk or to at least interact in SOME way with other people because I'm scared of.......being seen. And within those 3 months, suicide was on my mind a lot. I realy truly was coming to the end of what I could tolerate. I WAS SO ALONE.
But I'm okay now with my son living back home (temporarily, I know), and I'm trying to do things on my own. Like walk to the library. But it's still hard.
And my life is absolutely purposeless. So many important and happy people died in Swissair Flight 111, and yet.....I'm still here. I got to see what was left of them and their belongings and the plane. And I'm still here. Doing nothing. When they would have been carrying on with their purposeful lives. It's hard. I think I'll become a bag lady one day.
But thanks for the message. I am always surprised at the kindness of this Psycho-Babble board. People who knew me when I broke down are still here and say "hi", and new people who I've never met (or don't rmember meeting....sorry) have a nice word to say to me. Dr. Bob really did save my life way back then, even though he irritated the heck out of me with all the cops!!!! LOL!!!! But he's also built up a community of such very compassionate and caring people here. I feel it's a safe place to come.
Thanks again, Phillipa. And I DO remember YOU. *smile*
Sandy
poster:SandyWeb
thread:708880
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061123/msgs/709247.html