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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 10, 2006, at 17:53:53
1) I realized source of fear of abandonment in therapy today. geez. my childhood's more f*cked up than I want to think about
2) what a day- stressful lab meeting of us all yelling at eachother about regressions and variables and what the hell the data mean
3) special guest lecture on a clinical psychiatry topic. barely held myself together as study after study refers to things that I can relate to in terms of my own PERSONAL experience. NO! I don't want to hear the chair of my Dept. go off on a rant about the 5HT-2 receptor. that stuff is b*llshit. dope em up. send them off. now they're cured. HELLOOO!!! what about the cause of their serverely incapacitating disorder? the one that lands them in prison for homocide? geez. the level of detachment. almost make me have an intermittent explosive attack. but I suppressed it!!!1 AAAAAHHHHHHhhhhh
seriously folks. between IED, depression, SAD, PMDD, Migraine, why don't they just put a freaking SSRI into our drinking water? It's not THAT EASY!!!!
stupid psych studies.I'm off to wine (except no wine for me) and dine (please let there be beef) with some nobel laureates.
a little edgy. got 9 minutes to get my genius game face on. get the witty conversation flowing, rather than the hysterical laughter tinged with a high pitched noise resembling.... InSaNiTy????
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-Li
still waitin for them mood stabilizers to kick in. any time now. Hey= is this one of those occasions where a prn Klonopin is indicated?
got the twitchy fingers. check. and the racing heart check, and the disturbing thoughts of homocide and suicide check and benn picking and scrathciing at the bleedy chunks check!whoo hooo!!!!!!
Posted by Phil on October 10, 2006, at 20:04:18
In reply to Aaaahhhh multi-dimensional anxiety!!! triggers, posted by Lindenblüte on October 10, 2006, at 17:53:53
...still waitin for them mood stabilizers to kick in. any time now. Hey= is this one of those occasions where a prn Klonopin is indicated?
Uh-huh.
Posted by Phillipa on October 10, 2006, at 20:55:32
In reply to Re: Aaaahhhh multi-dimensional anxiety!!! triggers » Lindenblüte, posted by Phil on October 10, 2006, at 20:04:18
Geez with all the sleeping stuff you're still able to do all of that? you amaze me. Wear your cotton gloves. Love Phillipa
Posted by sleepygirl on October 10, 2006, at 21:34:15
In reply to Aaaahhhh multi-dimensional anxiety!!! triggers, posted by Lindenblüte on October 10, 2006, at 17:53:53
awwww....Lindy ((((Lindy))))
I'm sorry :-(
sometimes it's helpful?? to understand things from the inside out?? - wow, I can't believe I said that!
uncomfortable for you to be sure, a bit of wisdom for your future patients??
yeah, so ya gotta love the 5HT receptors, but it surely ain't the be all and end all
Allen Schore writes some interesting stuff about attachment and neuroscience if ya wanna intellectualize it a little ;-)Fear of abandonment sucks big time :-( - it's OK, you can work through it, it's scary, it's sad, but you can do it
why are you hanging out with nobel laureates? what do they know anyway? ;-)
Klonopin has been my friend - not my ONLY friend but a helpful one
take care,
sg
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 10, 2006, at 22:39:52
In reply to Re: Aaaahhhh multi-dimensional anxiety!!! triggers » Lindenblüte, posted by sleepygirl on October 10, 2006, at 21:34:15
Got into a little spiff with husband on the phone. it lasted over an hour. now i'm emotionally exhausted (keep in mind I have very few emotions anyways. to convince them to come out, and to subsequently exhaust them is pretty devastating.)
In the middle of the phone conversation, a voicemail from a colleage. Our paper just got reviews back. one very positive, one hopeful with suggested revisions, one extremely critical. Editor says major revisions and re-reviews necessary, but the paper is not summarily rejected. WTF?
I'm seriously feeling hopeless tonight. completely utterly empty and dead and gone. I can't muster any strength. I didn't get my homework done, because I couldn't get off the phone with husband with him still mad at me (he never got un-mad anyways. I just exhausted myself trying to get him to understand me. Why do I bother?)
I'm just going to go cry now. My mom didn't care. My husband doesn't care. My editor thinks the work is possibly good, probably junk. My colleague demands immediate action. My advisor is going to be on my *ss tomorrow. I'm just gone. gone.
Haven't cried tears for myself in a long time. maybe i cried for others, or for my wee little Lindenblossom inside, but not for me.
always look on the bright side: the klonopin helped. had a nice conversation with two people who work in areas quite different from my own. I didn't feel like a complete dumbass, and my hands and voice stopped shaking after a while. I got a nice piece of chocolate cake.
I'm gonna go cry some now. I don't see how tomorrow is going to be any better. That's the worst part--- this whole drama is just the prelude to the real drama with the advisor and the narcissistic colleague. If I get much worse I'm going to ask for help. you guys know what that means, I think.
-Li
Posted by sleepygirl on October 10, 2006, at 22:55:55
In reply to When it rains it pours... more triggers ** » sleepygirl, posted by Lindenblüte on October 10, 2006, at 22:39:52
we're here Lindy :-)
hang in there
it's gonna get easier
((Lindy))
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 11, 2006, at 8:22:48
In reply to Re: When it rains it pours... more triggers ** » Lindenblüte, posted by sleepygirl on October 10, 2006, at 22:55:55
thanks sleepygirl
Can I borrow your name for a little while. I'm a sleepygirl too.
sorry i left chat abruptly last night. I had to go do some sobbing. then I fell asleep.
this morning one eye was puffier than the other.
feel like a freak, but the coffee is brewing even as I speak.
gloom. well. time goes on. This feeling of dreading the pile of work that's going to be dumped on my today is really wearing me down. And the relationship issues-- I guess? maybe it's a good thing that husband is out of town at the momentl. it makes it a lot easier to push that particular conflict aside until I'm ready to deal with it again. ((((voicemail))))
I have PT this am. It's the first time I've been since telling PT about my traumatic childhood history. I know he's going to take it easy on me. It will actually be relaxing, to have someone work on my shoulders and neck, where I tend to accumulate a lot of tension and grumpiness.
thanks for thinking of me sleepygirl
love,
eponymous sleepygirl the sequelps(225 mg seroquel last night - i thought I took 250, but i forgot that i bit one of the fifties in half.)
Posted by Jost on October 11, 2006, at 10:15:21
In reply to Re: When it rains it pours... more triggers ** » sleepygirl, posted by Lindenblüte on October 11, 2006, at 8:22:48
Hi. Linden. I'm worrying about you.
Hope my drawing-angst didn't bother you. I wasn't really going to kick it. I cant imagine that. Although I can imagine scrunching it and throwing it out--except it's too big, and the paper is too heavy for anything like that. But it helps a lot to get not have to see and remember something that bad. I'm not angry at it, or myself even-- just need to start over.
I'm sorry to hear things you said last night. I really am.
Hope today does better.
Jost
Posted by Phillipa on October 11, 2006, at 11:46:43
In reply to Re: When it rains it pours... more triggers ** » sleepygirl, posted by Lindenblüte on October 11, 2006, at 8:22:48
Let me know how things go. Love Phillipa
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 11, 2006, at 11:56:04
In reply to Re: When it rains it pours... more triggers **, posted by Jost on October 11, 2006, at 10:15:21
> Hi. Linden. I'm worrying about you.
I'm worrying about me too. If I don't watch out, I could have several unpleasant interactions today. Unfortunately, the meeting with my advisor that we planned last week to discuss my initial descriptive stats on my dissertation data may be overshadowed by the rejection for publication that came through the pipes at 10 last night. This could turn out very badly. I will really have to be diplomatic and firm to make sure that my advisor understands that the meeting is about my dissertation, and to shield myself from her immediate petulant demands that I revise the rejected paper ASAP. (the editor gave us 12 months, btw).
> Hope my drawing-angst didn't bother you. I wasn't really going to kick it. I cant imagine that. Although I can imagine scrunching it and throwing it out--except it's too big, and the paper is too heavy for anything like that. But it helps a lot to get not have to see and remember something that bad. I'm not angry at it, or myself even-- just need to start over.
I think it's going to be okay. I'm glad you got a little bit more perspective today. that helps a lot.
> I'm sorry to hear things you said last night. I really am.
>
> Hope today does better.
>Thanks Jost. You're very kind. I hope things go better too. I ended up having one of those very rare hacking sobbing episodes last night. I had tears all evening after hanging up with difficult husband, but as soon as I started brushing my teeth, I couldn't hold it back any longer. I cried myself to sleep. I always bury my face in my pillow, because I don't want anyone to hear me. Isn't that strange? Well maybe not.
my meeting starts in seven minutes. press your thumb for me (Drueck Dir die Daumen fueur mich)
:o|
if I feel really sh*tty this afternoon I'll make a phone call to my T. I've never done this before. but this might be a good opportunity to practice it.
-Li
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 11, 2006, at 14:40:32
In reply to raining today. just a sprinkle. » Jost, posted by Lindenblüte on October 11, 2006, at 11:56:04
Well, of course my advisor wanted to discuss how to run a brand new study to address the negative review. Umm. I don't THINK so! She came up with at least 10 iterations. I was able to say "been there, done that." "we tested that already" "that study was done in 1983" "that design wouldn't give us any new information" etc etc. then she finally shut up about it and asked me about my diss stuff. she seemed positive, and said I must feel good about my data. so. I guess if diss advisor is happy about the first look at the data, Lindenblüte will try to be happy about it too.
I feel like I'm slipping into a little depression though. part of it is being more sedated because my seroquel dose went from 50 to 250 in a week. I'm going to stop going up when i get to 300. part of it may be the sedative/calming effects of the benzodiazepine klonopin. part of it might be this sense of emotional exhaustion, where I cannot even contemplate the first 17 years of my life without feeling like a zombie tragedy walking around in the body of an accomplished person. part of it is undoubtedly the stress of trying too hard. for too long. for too many people (including a marriage that frequently has long spells of apartitude). lonliness- lots of my friends moved away in the past 2-3 months
oh well.
at least I still have babble.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 11, 2006, at 15:30:21
In reply to Re: raining today. just a sprinkle., posted by Lindenblüte on October 11, 2006, at 14:40:32
I'm doing three in a row now.
I feel kind of empty. I want to go home and kind of lounge and cry at intervals. I want to avoid people and things that make me feel bad. I want to avoid reminders of things that shouldn't have happened. I don't know if feeling sad is good or bad. I'm feeling it, though.
It's hard to tell the difference between justified grief and exhaustion from a lot of recent stress
vs.
depression, the sequel
vs.
changes in medication that is "likely to leave me feeling groggy"
vs.
rain.
vs. some combination or all of the above.
Any thoughts? Is it okay to just go home and cry a little bit? Is that pathological? I've got to remove my mascara at some point anyways, right?
Is the craving for chocolate diagnostic at all? i.e. can it help me decide whether I am suffering from acute rain exposure vs. depression?
Will you guys think poorly of me if I go buy a milk chocolate toblerone and nap/cry/veg/babble/cry/sob/nap the rest of the day?
lumpily,
Lindenblüte
Posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2006, at 15:59:34
In reply to a hole that chocolate won't fill » Lindenblüte, posted by Lindenblüte on October 11, 2006, at 15:30:21
Chocolate is definitely prescribed in your situation, Linden. I prefer to weep into a bar of Cadbury's, but I believe that Toblerone will do just as well. As if you're like my husband, in desperate times a squirt of Hershey's syrup will do until you can get to a corner shop.
((((Linden))))Last week I thought I was being clever when I bought several bars and put them in the fridge for emergencies. Who would have thought that not a day would pass before I had to take that little hammer and break the glass to get to my stash?
Posted by rainbutterfly on October 11, 2006, at 17:35:13
In reply to a hole that chocolate won't fill » Lindenblüte, posted by Lindenblüte on October 11, 2006, at 15:30:21
((( Linden )))
butterfly/caterpillar hugs..... all I got today
Posted by Phillipa on October 11, 2006, at 18:51:09
In reply to Re: a hole that chocolate won't fill » Lindenblüte, posted by rainbutterfly on October 11, 2006, at 17:35:13
So are you filled up on chocolate yet? Mascara off? And I think it's a combo. You've come so far and done so much in such a short time you amaze me. Love Phillipa
Posted by Jost on October 11, 2006, at 21:51:28
In reply to Re: a hole that chocolate won't fill, posted by Phillipa on October 11, 2006, at 18:51:09
How about Godiva? there's a Godiva between 85th and 86th on Broadway. I could stop in tomorrow and pick out an express mail package- a pound of assorted fresh truffles. Got any favorites? or should I just choose for you??? (No prepackaged truffles for Lindenblute, you can be sure of that.)
How come so much seroquel, Linden? I mean it's different for everyone and that isn't sooooo much-- but do you need that much? Not that you won't adapt, I guess-- but you might be a little groggy for a few days.
Have you been sadder because of it? Cause you've been so sad lately. I know there are reasons, but sometimes these meds do cause strange unexpected reactions, esp. when going on and coming off.
is it for sleep, or anxiety too?
so sorry, {{{Linden}}}
Jost
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 12, 2006, at 7:55:08
In reply to Re: a hole that chocolate won't fill, posted by Phillipa on October 11, 2006, at 18:51:09
> So are you filled up on chocolate yet? Mascara off? And I think it's a combo. You've come so far and done so much in such a short time you amaze me. Love Phillipa
I ate chocolate at 10:00. My mascara was removed and reapplyed to my pillowcase betwen 8:30 and 10:00.
I think I napped 3 hours yesterday. Wiped out, you know?
thanks for thinking of me.
-Li
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 12, 2006, at 8:27:50
In reply to Re: a hole that chocolate won't fill » Lindenblüte, posted by ClearSkies on October 11, 2006, at 15:59:34
> Chocolate is definitely prescribed in your situation, Linden. I prefer to weep into a bar of Cadbury's, but I believe that Toblerone will do just as well. As if you're like my husband, in desperate times a squirt of Hershey's syrup will do until you can get to a corner shop.
> ((((Linden))))My Hershey's syrup is this god-awful sugar free version I bought cause it was on sale. I don't know what to do with it. it's barely edible.
I can buy Cadbury's at the local shop on the corner. Haven't tried it in a while. My recollection is that they make a very creamy milk chocolate, no?
> Last week I thought I was being clever when I bought several bars and put them in the fridge for emergencies. Who would have thought that not a day would pass before I had to take that little hammer and break the glass to get to my stash?
When I came back from Germany in August, I had about 1 kg of chocolate bars in my fridge. I gave away about 300-400 grams. I just finished the last one last week. It was a monstrouous Milka bar- 300 grams.
It's time to stock up again. All I have left is half a bar of Lindt orange intense. It's good, but it's important to keep a reserve.
Some things I have noticed.
1: Daily chocolate consumption- high quality is more satisfying than a snickers bar. Because it's more satisfying, I can consume a smaller quantity. This is why I keep dark chocolate on hand. A square or two of the orange intense will be enough for me for an evening treat.
2: exotic flavors: Since I'm not allowed wine or beer or other things, I enjoy exploring the subtleties of chocolate. In the USA right now, there is a surge of interest in gourmet chocolate bars. It's really a very reasonable indulgence. a large bar costs 3 dollars or so, and often a few squares is sufficient to satisfy the daily sweet tooth (bobby knows that I usually eat the chocolate when I'm on babble-chat!!).
Dark and milk Chocolate with essence of pear, orange, cumin, cinnamon, nutmeg, spearmint, espresso, hazelnuts, lavender, chipotle, lemon, cardamon, etc. These intense and exotic flavors are really fun to experiment with.
3) Chocolate as comfort food. This is the case where I will usually go for milk chocolate. Something about the creamy richness. The absence of the acidic, bitter "bite" that the super-strong bittersweet chocolates have is key. The creaminess is essential. Milka is wonderful. Dove milk chocolate will do in a pinch. Lindt milk chocolate is lovely, as is godiva (way overpriced), Rittersport Alpenmilk, etc. (perhaps I'll add cadbury to this list)
I may also indulge in a "filled" chocolate bar. A good example might be Ritter-sport milk chocolate that's filled with nugat (nutella-like), or with white chocolate, yogurt filling, or marzipan. perhaps milk chocolate filled with creamy caramel might be a comfort food indulgence.
4) Chocolate as a meal: this is a nice way of saying "binge". Texture is key. I like my chocolate to have some texture if I'm going to be eating more than a few squares. I love any fine choclate with almonds or hazelnuts. Toblerone has these wonderful crunchy almond bits and chewy nougat chunks that taste like honey. I loved the Chocolove toffee and almond milk chocolate bar I ate last night. The one I ate last week had hazelnuts and dried cherries in dark chocolate. I couldn't taste the cherries at all. it was very disappointing. Ritter Sport with rum raisin, hazelnuts is delicious, as is their crispy cornflakes variety. I also love any chocolate which contains cocoa bean nibs. These are the little roasted chunks of cocoa bean. They are kind of cruncy, and taste of chocolate, but without the sweetness. A hint of bitter, but not like a coffee bean by any means. Sometimes I like milk chocolate with crushed up cookies, peppermint sticks or other things mixed in.
5) Chocolate as special indulgence. This is the category that I regard as very special indulgences, usually because of price, or seasonal or geographic unavailability.
At the top of the list is Rebecca Ruth's Kentucky Bourbon assortments. I love to savor the Bourbon Balls that are a bourbon fondant filling with a thick dark chocolate shell and a whole pecan half on top. Absolutely divine (20 of these might have me feeling tipsy, but they're so rich, I'd feel sick before then!). I also like RR Irish coffee, which is a coffee and whiskey center and green tinted white couverture. Fantastic.
Next comes Godiva pumpkin spice truffles. They are about a dollar each, so I will have to justify spending my precious grad student stipend on such an indulgence.
Finally, there are a number of fine chocolate shops springing up in metropolitan areas all around the USA. A box of four fine truffles is really a wonderful treat.
So. now you know that the chocolate thing is a major part of my lifestyle.
here's the irony:
I don't really enjoy chocolate ice cream, and I prefer coffee and tea to hot chocolate. I'm kind of strange that way, I guess.
My next chocolate stock-up will include a trip to Godiva for the October and November available pumpkin truffles. Next, I will go to Target- they have a large selection of interesting chocolate bars, and finally, perhaps a health-food store. Many of them are stocking single-estate organic bars that are wonderful for sampling and training the pallette.
I usually eat about one bar every 5-7 days. maybe 25 g daily. mmm!
-Li
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