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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 0:04:16
Since my daughter left the nest a couple years ago I've been trying to locate a former girlfriend (25 years ago), and after much searching, found her email address but not her physical address or phone number. I know the city but she has an unlisted number.
Anyway, I'm almost certain she's not married (still using her last name, and besides, she was the independent, sisterhood is powerful, feminist type and didn't seem interested in raising a family).
I think we really connected then and may even more so now. But I'm afraid to email her or dig further for her address/phone # and even more afraid to contact her by any means.
I have too much social anxiety to call. I start sounding like a croaking frog when I'm nervous. I would have to drink and get benzoed-up both. I'm afraid to email her because she'll wonder how I got ahold of her email address. I would probably freeze up just trying to exchange emails if I got that far.
But first I want to wait until I lose 25 pounds, grow a brain, read all the books I only talked about reading, get a career, write several books, get a title, become knighted, sainted, or dewey-decimalized, invent, discover, or find something, become a spiritual master or famed hedonist, climb the usual famous mountains, make a fortune, give away a fortune, while, at the same time, remaining unassuming, humble, and selfless.
This is my dilemna.
verne
Posted by Susan47 on November 11, 2004, at 1:00:57
In reply to MidLife Crisis, posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 0:04:16
Well you already know you might as well not wait until all that stuff happens 'cause you know it's unrealistic, so what are you waitin' for? Go for it. What do you have to lose anyway? She's already not thinking about you, so if you contact her she'll be thinking about you. If she wonders how you got her email address then she's more interested in logistics than she is in you anyway so why worry about it? I say, do it you have nada to lose.
Posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 8:22:46
In reply to MidLife Crisis, posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 0:04:16
Whoops, I thought I had posted this on the relationship board.
I'm going to wait another month - after 25 years, what's another month - until I've recovered from the Halloween-ElectionDay mini bender.
Susan, good advice about not explaining how I got the email and that sort of thing. I will keep it positive.
I guess my biggest fear is that I haven't been a great success, at least on the surface, in the world's eyes. I think she, on the other hand, may be teaching at a major university.
And there's the thought, why am I reaching back 25 years for a "date"? (actually, I never did date) What's wrong with me? Alot, but that's beside the point.
She knew me less than a year after I got out of the army and an army hospital psych ward, at a time when I was unstable, in emotional pain, and immature, yet we managed to stay together six months. I'm in so much better shape now, just falling apart a little.
When I get to the point where I don't have any expectations about the outcome, I'll contact her.
verne
Posted by boomarang on November 11, 2004, at 10:46:42
In reply to Re: MidLife Crisis, posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 8:22:46
a lot can happen in a month...she could get engaged and then the day you come to see her you'd end up doing a recreation of 'The Graduate' running to the church yelling 'Elaine' or whatever. It could get ugly. I say sooner than later.
sara
Posted by just plain jane on November 11, 2004, at 11:30:34
In reply to Re: MidLife Crisis, posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 8:22:46
You're waiting
"until I've recovered from the Halloween-ElectionDay mini bender"
"When I get to the point where I don't have any expectations about the outcome"
And what do you suppose could transpire in the meantime?
As for the how you got her email:
If I were doing this (which I actually have) I would be forthright with my intent to look her up.Kinda sorta like:
"Hello, (Name),
I've been thinking about you, wondering how you are, where life has taken you, so, I ran a search and came up with what I think is your email address. Hence, I write.
If you're the same (heart warming descriptive word or two) woman I cared for long ago, I'm sure you'll let me know upfront how you feel about this.
I'm looking forward to your reply.
Warmly,
(you)"And I wouldn't wait "until"...
But then, that's just my way.
just plain jane
Posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 11:46:02
In reply to Re: MidLife Crisis » verne, posted by just plain jane on November 11, 2004, at 11:30:34
Thanks Jane,
I like your suggestions. I had already decided on closing with "warm" in there somewhere. Warmly sounds better than "warm regards" which is what I had.
I'm going for a long walk and will send a brief email this evening.
verne
Posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 11:49:07
In reply to Re: MidLife Crisis, posted by boomarang on November 11, 2004, at 10:46:42
Sara,
I'll probably send an email this evening.
Are you the same "boomarang" that plays phlinx at pogo? I sometimes notice another player named boomarang in the "Denial on the Nile" room.
verne
Posted by boomarang on November 11, 2004, at 12:14:25
In reply to Re: MidLife Crisis » boomarang, posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 11:49:07
hi verne,
no that's not me but i do like the lingo...phlinx at pogo...Denial on the Nile.
sara
Posted by vwoolf on November 11, 2004, at 12:53:32
In reply to MidLife Crisis, posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 0:04:16
Hi Verne, I understand what you’re going through.
I recently made contact with someone I hadn’t seen for about 30 years. She was a person I had been very close to in a difficult time of my life, when I was going through psychiatrists, meds, ECT and more, and she was the only one who seemed to have any understanding of where I was at. She now heads a psychological service organization in another city. I managed to get her number and battled with myself for over a month before finding the courage to call.
When I finally got hold of her, and told her my name, she laughed for a long time - sweet, kind, happy laughter. She was really pleased to hear from me. She will be spending Christmas in my home town, and we will be seeing each other. Her last words were: “I’m so looking forward to this.”
I suggest you send that email. I’m sure she has thought about you over the years since you last met. And if you have put on weight, the chances are that she has too, or has warts or something equally unromantic. We all age. Don’t let it worry you too much.
I’ll let you know how my meeting goes next month.
Posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 13:22:14
In reply to Re: MidLife Crisis, posted by vwoolf on November 11, 2004, at 12:53:32
I sent the email but it was returned undeliverable within seconds.
This tells me that it was an old email address. I had my doubts whether she would have still used excite.com's email service.
So now I plan to expand the search for likely internet providers in the Seattle area. Once I have that, I can fill in the rest - her first name (initial) and last name are extremely rare.
Anyone know the main internet providers in Seattle? I've checked aol, hotmail, and the usual big national ones.
verne
Posted by Jai Narayan on November 11, 2004, at 15:25:47
In reply to Re: MidLife Crisis, posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 13:22:14
Dear Verne, I can't answer your most current question but I can tell you...
I will sign up for the Verne fan club.
Every posting you put forward deepens my interest and caring for you.
If it were me that knew you from years ago I would be happy to have you in my life.
I too have gone back to all my old mates and we have broken up all over again. I guess, for me, things were meant to move on.
So are you seperated from the person you had the child with?
Verne, I think you are the coolest!
Jai
Posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 17:56:09
In reply to Re: MidLife Crisis, posted by Jai Narayan on November 11, 2004, at 15:25:47
Jai,
Thanks for your kind words.
My daughter's mother and I have been separated or divorced for over 15 years - it didn't last long.
It's sad that I led such a chaotic life I've lost touch with everyone from my past. Trying to find a former girlfriend is traumatizing stuff.
But on the bright side, I feel more alive. For a moment I was ready to fly to Seattle to see someone I hadn't seen in 25 years. Makes getting out around here seem easy. I even went for a walk with a friend and we stopped off at the local mother-earth-news, neo-hippie, coffee shop for a cup. I realized I hadn't actually sat down in a sit-down restaurant in months. But what was I afraid of? I had nearly flown to Seattle.
Jai, so you've done the reuniting experiment? I hope I get a chance to join that club. I may have to just forget the reuniting part and just try uniting first.
verne
Posted by AdaGrace on November 11, 2004, at 18:34:00
In reply to MidLife Crisis, posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 0:04:16
GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!
Know what I mean Vern?
Posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 19:45:15
In reply to Re: Verny Verny Verny, posted by AdaGrace on November 11, 2004, at 18:34:00
That's what Earnest keeps telling me too.
Need a restraining order against that guy or a name change.
verne
Posted by just plain jane on November 11, 2004, at 22:01:18
In reply to Re: MidLife Crisis, posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 13:22:14
You mentioned that you believe she is faculty at a University (or something like that).
Try looking up that University's website and wading around in it until you locate the staff/faculty listings. They all seem to have email these days.
just thinkin, jane
Posted by Susan47 on November 11, 2004, at 22:42:09
In reply to Yo! Verne! » verne, posted by just plain jane on November 11, 2004, at 22:01:18
Verne, what you said about going for coffee etc. with your friend sounds like your interest in life in coming into being. Have you had it before, or is this something new for you?
I've been experiencing this waking-up for about a year now, and when I don't slip back into depression I realize what I didn't know about life. It can be so awesome, and all my little steps lead me somewhere bigger!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!
We're all waiting on tenderhooks now, what's going to happen in your search ... unite, or reunite ... unite, or reunite ...
Posted by verne on November 12, 2004, at 6:38:53
In reply to MidLife Crisis, posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 0:04:16
Just a word of caution for those using any of the "people finder" or online detective sites. Avoid reunitetonight.com - sounds like a scam and IS a scam. Numerous complaints at ripoffreport.com about fraudulent credit card charges appearing months later and dup charges. I will have to close my card, have it reissued, and do a dispute. They billed me twice for nothing.
But I can recommend, intelius and peopledata. Both gave me clues at a reasonable cost.
I tried looking through faculty lists and came up empty. I wish I could look in the city directory online.
I have a couple more ideas but none too promising.
verne
Posted by verne on November 12, 2004, at 7:03:01
In reply to Are you Excited? I am!, posted by Susan47 on November 11, 2004, at 22:42:09
Susan,
Looking for long lost friends is exhilarating - like skydiving without leaving home.
The search awakened alot of emotions and is somewhat painful. When I wrote the email to her, it took me back - and forward.
I realized I might have to travel for a visit if it worked out. I haven't been out of state for ten years. I used to travel alot but my wagons stopped moving and formed a tight circle years ago.
I think I'll put the search on the back-burner and try to be more in the moment and appreciate where I'm at. I can be very driven and something like a search for a lost friend can consume me. I can't count the times I've been eaten up and spit out by a cause.
I have one gear, one speed: runaway train. My only brake is the mixed metaphor. The only way to stop a runaway train is to distract it.
I see the doctor this morning and can't call the bank about the credit card fraud until after the appointment. Not good for the blood pressure. Need to meditate, do the breathing exercises, take a long walk instead of worrying over this like a dog with a new chew toy.
verne
Posted by ron1953 on November 12, 2004, at 10:54:34
In reply to MidLife Crisis, posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 0:04:16
Verne:
I'm 51, separated 6/03, divorced 8/04 after 28-year marriage, mostly unemployed since 20-year programming career came to grinding halt in 2001. So, I'm REAL familiar with midlife crisis. I thought love and romance were going to be a thing of the past.....but....check out this thread (unless you already have) - I think it may fuel your optimism.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041015/msgs/411029.html
Best Wishes,
Ron
Posted by Susan47 on November 12, 2004, at 14:06:05
In reply to Skydiving » Susan47, posted by verne on November 12, 2004, at 7:03:01
what you're saying. Sounds like you have a busy busy mind that needs lots to be fed to it, and maybe you're a bit of an extrovert but out of practice too? It's okay to be out there, you know. Anybody who doesn't understand you don't need, lovey.
Posted by verne on November 12, 2004, at 16:56:45
In reply to Oh Verne, I completely understand, posted by Susan47 on November 12, 2004, at 14:06:05
Susan,
Thanks for the encouragement. I liked the part in "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" where she realizes and says to the elite incrowd girls, "all I ever wanted was to be liked by you, but you know what, I don't like you..."
Why empower or try to please others? What a waste of time.
Meanwhile, I called the bank and had my credit card closed and reissued after the fly-by-night, reunite-tonight, debacle. I felt so much shame while talking to the bank rep that she picked up on it and seemed abrupt me. Talk about empowering others. I can't take my own advice.
I walked about 7 miles today and mowed the lawn - well leaves really. I rented four movies (got a week to get 'em back). I'm drinking (didn't take cymbalta today or yesterday) and after two beers I'm euphoric - and not in a manic way.
This whole venture, searching for lost love, has tripped some new synapses. This could be some kind of therapy.
verne
Posted by verne on November 12, 2004, at 16:58:50
In reply to Re: MidLife Crisis, posted by ron1953 on November 12, 2004, at 10:54:34
Ron1953,
I hope it works out. Thanks for the encouragement.
Verne1951.
Posted by Susan47 on November 12, 2004, at 21:48:35
In reply to Re: Oh Verne, I completely understand » Susan47, posted by verne on November 12, 2004, at 16:56:45
if the girl on the phone at the card company or the bank or whatever was cold to you, it was because there's something ABOUT HERSELF WHICH SHE CANNOT ACCEPT. Did I shout loudly enough hon? Because, people are only angry with you when you remind them of something about themselves. I'm not talking about spouses etc or really deep situations. I'm talking about this sort of public one-to-one stuff. Remember that. It wasn't you who was humiliated, it was her. I say that because she could just as easily have taken the understanding, humorous tack if she were able. Lecture over dahling.
Posted by AdaGrace on November 13, 2004, at 8:18:39
In reply to MidLife Crisis, posted by verne on November 11, 2004, at 0:04:16
I bet the Ernest thing really pisses you off, I am sorry for the cliche, it's just that my sisters and I do this all the time.
One is Verne
One is Verna
I am VeronaSometimes I am Shaniqua when I don't want to be Verona
Sometimes at work I am Susan when I don't want to take a phone call
Sometimes at the Deli when I have to give my name, I am ConchitaWho am I today?
Hmm, thinking that maybe Sarafina
BTW, no offence intended, and I too think I am having a midlife crisis
What I wouldn't give to be free to do as I please, go as I please, but I have taken this road, the road more frequently travelled instead of the one less travelled, and I have sucummed to the norm of life.
I see you as someone aproaching a bridge, afraid to cross, and I am here thinking maybe you need someone's hand to hold as you cross.I'll help you across and wave goodbye, because I think there is someone on the other side who might just like to meet you.
VERNE............CALL HER, E-MAIL HER, GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!
This is the end of the thread.
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