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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by ghost on August 18, 2004, at 23:41:32
In reply to Very triggering memories and questions, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 18, 2004, at 20:43:12
*big huge hugs*
no one should have to endure that kind of torture. it really pisses me off to hear that anyone would be treated like that... i always think that abusers should get what they dish out... when i was an EMT, it wasn't uncommon for other EMT's to rough up child abusers when called to obvious abuse cases. that sort of makes me feel better, even though i'm supposed to say that two wrongs don't make a right.
none of this probably helps. i don't know what to say. but i wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you. i can't imagine what it's like to be you right now. i wish i could make it all go away for you. like it never happened and it was just a really bad dream.
*lots of love*
ghost
Posted by SAW on August 19, 2004, at 3:38:24
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions » Shadowplayers721, posted by ghost on August 18, 2004, at 23:41:32
I have always maintained that depression, severity does not matter, is a very selfish illness. I know that I tend to think that nobody could POSSIBLY know what I am feeling!
Therefore, I am very humbled by Shadow's post and agree with Ghost - I couldn't imagine what it's like to be you right now! You have endured torture far worse than I can imagine, and my thoughts are with you. I shall look at my own problems a little less selfishly!
Sabrina
Posted by B2chica on August 19, 2004, at 9:41:59
In reply to Very triggering memories and questions, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 18, 2004, at 20:43:12
(((Shadows))), my strength and love are with you right now.
about how long about was this? im asking cuz i dont know how long tazors have been around. Although it is NOTHING compared to what you experienced my grandparents had a farm and i remember quite well what the cattle prod looked (and felt like). my brother would swipe it and chase after me "zapping" me many times until i would fall, then those last couple zaps he would fit in while i was frozen on the ground. Its painful but mostly terrifying cuz of the anticipation of knowing what it will feel like next time they get you-that alone sometimes would paralyze you. the prod was a long black pole with two rounded tips at the end-and both tips had to touch you to release the shock.
-unless you are having some medication response, my guess would be Yes those tremors are from you memories. Your body could be "reliving" a physical response you had back then, or just the emotional response to what happened could be causing them. Though i am glad to hear you are getting it checked out by a neurologist.>>After one disturbing memory, I kept wispering promises to do the same to him when he was an old man. I was taken aback by that.
Sometimes we shock ourselves with things we think or say in respose to hurt and injury caused by others, it is an instinct response. it may be shocking but it's what you feel, let yourself feel that. You are angry you want as an adult to fight back in a way that you couldn't growing up. Not only is that normal, it's healthy to get those feelings out, to say them outloud. Only then can we get to the next step.
I am Very sorry you are reliving these painful memories but it must happen. (you know that better than anyone), you must get them out -one at a time- and deal with them as you can. Just take it slow, keep in contact with your therapist/doctors and be very gentle with yourself. This sounds like a good breakthrough. Congratulate yourself when you can and feel good...chin up!
We love you.
I don't know if my words are right, but know my heart is in the right place. I only wish to help you.
Lots of Love
b2c.
Posted by JenStar on August 19, 2004, at 10:50:04
In reply to Very triggering memories and questions, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 18, 2004, at 20:43:12
Are you sure these are real memories, and not something triggered by dreams or excessive therapy? It might be horrible to ask this, but before you go throught the emotional pain and trauma of trying to deal with this: be sure it really happened.
I'm sorry if that is offensive - I didn't mean it to be. I've been reading a lot lately about recovered memories and about how many of them are not real, but are triggered by the joint imaginations of the therapist and the patient, and how the false recovered memories can do a lot of harm.
take care. My apologies again if this post upset you.
JenStar
I recently had a very upsetting memory, where I was electrocuted with a device down there that was very painful and paralysed me to the point that i couldn't move my arms up. Now, I have tremors today that are very odd that are being investicated by a neurologist. I also have had memories were I was dropped on the floor and black out and had my head banged on the floor upside down. My guestion is what was that instrument - a cattle prod or a tazor? All I know is it was hand held black and had two tips that shot out painful paralysing electricity. And do you all thing this all has to do with my odd tremors all over today. I suffered from torture treatment of hangings upside down and put in animal cages, repeated snake bites, shot with darts, and wires around my neck to keep me from screaming. God Shakes!! After one disturbing memory, I kept wispering promises to do the same to him when he was an old man. I was taken aback by that.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 19, 2004, at 13:34:27
In reply to Very triggering memories and questions, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 18, 2004, at 20:43:12
What an awful feeling. I was abused emotionally for years and I relive it often.
Real memories or unreal memories - the feelings are the same. Somehow you have to get the little kid inside to feel safe.
I'm wondering if maybe the thing Rod was talking about would work. The one where the client pictures the child's fear and feelings of betrayl after one incident. Then you talk to the child, comforting her and telling her that her that she *is* loved over and over until she starts to feel calmer.
It's something that sounds like it *should* work, or at least cause no harm.
Big hugs
Mel
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 13:48:13
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions » Shadowplayers721, posted by JenStar on August 19, 2004, at 10:50:04
I wish they were made up. When I talk about these memories, someone in the family whether cousins our siblings will confirm. Yes, he did that do me or yes he had that instrument. Of course, there are those that have left the area that he lived in because he tried to kill them. He broke in their house and put a knife to their necks. He has been in jail many times for attempted murder, but gets out due to insanity.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:30:07
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 13:48:13
Here is a copy of one of his reports. The people involved moved for fear of their lives.
OFFENSE DATE 7/15/1998
ARREST DATE N/A
CHARGE AGGRAVATED ASSAULT
CHARGE TYPE FELONY
DISPOSITION DISMISSED
DISPOSITION DATE N/A
SENTENCE DATE 7/17/1998OFFENSE DATE 7/15/1998
ARREST DATE N/A
CHARGE AGGRAVATED ASSAULT
CHARGE TYPE FELONY
DISPOSITION DISMISSED
DISPOSITION DATE N/A
SENTENCE DATE 7/17/1998
All of this was dismissed due to he is a paranoid schizophrenic. Now, he is on state mandated medication. To those who don't believe, all they have to do is meet the man. All doubts fly out the door. He looks as scary as he is. His beard is down to his chest. His nails are 3" long. He doesn't bathe ever. He smiles and snears at everyone. He laughs at you all the time, but doesn't say a word. He doesn't eat much, but he smokes one cigarette after another.In recent years, he has beaten almost to death a mail man with a wrench and punched out a Jehovah witness lady. He has shot at children walking in front of his yard. He is a marksman from being in the service and he is brilliant at hunting. He has molested all my siblings, several cousins and many children in a daycare. He use to own rifles, guns, knives, various snakes, bow and arrows, spiders, bugs, darts, and cages for trapping animals.
In regard to my head injury, it has been confirmed via x-ray that I have sustained a blow to the head. The doc thought it was a swimming accident. I said no. I have broken ribs that indicate a direct blow to the body too. I have scars from glass cuts. There is more, but I think I have said enough.
Personally, I think that many good people just can't believe that there are those that really enjoy torturing humans for entertainment. But, we see it every day on America's most wanted. These people don't have a conscious. As for my Uncle, I don't believe it's his illness that makes him do this. I think it's evil. I have met many schizophrenics that aren't molestors. I think he would have been one even without the illness. Because, he did have enough sense to hide what he was doing in the early years. I may be wrong, but whatever the reason. I am serving a life sentence of suffering physically and emotionally while he plots his next victim...
Posted by ghost on August 19, 2004, at 14:45:09
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:30:07
(((((shadow))))))
i'm so sorry you've had to endure (and continue to endure) this kind of cruel, inexcusable torture. i think you're an incredibly strong person for living through this and for seeking help.
i do hope the pain subsides. i hope that you have lots of love in your life. we all love you here at babble, and hope for your safety and security.
all the best and many hugs,
ghost
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:45:32
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions » Shadowplayers721, posted by B2chica on August 19, 2004, at 9:41:59
B2,
In the memory, I felt distinctly two points that were generating the electricity. My grandparents did have cattle. The shock was painfully paralyzing. The memory didn't show me what it looked like, but I am sure before long it will. It was an awfully painful experience. This was about 30 years ago. My Uncle was an expert machinest and great with electricity, so I don't know if this was an invention. How long have cattle prods been around? I am just trying to figure out what was that thing he was using on me. This man was playing with my life.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:54:35
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar » Shadowplayers721, posted by ghost on August 19, 2004, at 14:45:09
Thank you, Ghost. Sometimes, I really kick myself for not being so functional and then I get these god awful memories and say, "Now, I know why I have shook really bad since I was four y/o." Now, I have one arm that is really acting funny. The doc is perplexed. It only shakes in a certain position and then this memory comes up where I was being shocked so bad that I couldn't lift my arm up. Coicidence? I hope not. I hope the part that holds the truth will release the awful pain, so I can regain my left arm again.
Thank you again, Ghost. It means a lot.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 15:02:50
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-Ghost, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:54:35
Posted by snapper on August 19, 2004, at 15:39:01
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-Ghost, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:54:35
Shadows as I read and then re-read your original post this morning at about 1:30 and then again at about 2a.m. I was wrought with angst, dis-belief and total compassion for you all at the same time!You have always been there for me in time of need as well as many others here on babble and you are a very special person. I wish I knew you in real life so I could give you a long warm and embracing hug to help ease some of your pain. But I guess this will have to do. I closed my eyes around 2:15 this morning and silently said a special prayer for you and prayed for you to be released from some of your constant agony and pain.I am so sorry that you have had to endure this torture. In my opinion, this type of person should be found guilty on numerous accounts, put in prison, be tortured and then be put to death!I will quit rambling and hope for you that the trial of Geodon is beneficial for you!
All my best and of course a giant 'cyber-hug'
Snapper
Posted by karen_kay on August 19, 2004, at 16:31:22
In reply to Very triggering memories and questions, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 18, 2004, at 20:43:12
shadows,
i don't have the answers you are looking for, but i do hope in time you find all of the right ones you need dear. i'm very sorry i don't have them and i wish i did. please do take care of your very special self.
kk
Posted by JenStar on August 19, 2004, at 16:45:11
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 13:48:13
It's horrible you had to go through that. I hope you have someone strong to help guide you through your recovery -- is there a good therapist you trust, or a family member who is strong enough to help?
About tremors: I thought I had MS/ALS due to muscular tremors ("fasciculations", in medical terms) all over, but predominantly on the left side. After a battery of tests it was determined -- happily -- that I had NO neurological disease, and that the tremors must be due to stress/depression/anxiety. The body can do strange things when under stress, apparently! It's entirely possible that your mind is working overtime and the stress is showing up in the physical symptoms of muscle twitches. I was prescribed an antidepressant which definitely helped. Is there any med that has helped you in the past?
I hope your tests come back negative for any neuro diseases...it's not "good" that the tremors are due to stress, but it's something fixable and that's positive news!
Keep us updated. Too bad you don't know anyone in the mob who owes you a favor...(i.e., taking care of the jerk...)
JenStar
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 17:29:14
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar » Shadowplayers721, posted by JenStar on August 19, 2004, at 16:45:11
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I just pray that my nervous system will heal from all the shock treatments and torture tx. I don't like being on meds, but they do help me see colors better. Before meds, I couldn't see the colors brightly like I do know.
I do have thoughts of retalation. If it weren't for that religious part of self, he would have been dead before sun down.
Thanks again for all your thoughts and replies. I just had to write this one down. It has been really bothering me. I hope that I haven't triggered anyone. I hope all are safe.
Posted by Poet on August 19, 2004, at 18:12:47
In reply to Very triggering memories and questions, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 18, 2004, at 20:43:12
Shadows,
You are incredibly strong- you are seeing bright colors even though some terrible dark memories are surfacing. Meds aren't weakness, they're just helping you be stronger still.
I believe in Karma and that what you do in this lifetime will affect what happens to you in future lifetimes. I don't want to be uncivil, but I wish your tormenter a lifetime of hell.
Poet
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 21:02:31
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions » Shadowplayers721, posted by Poet on August 19, 2004, at 18:12:47
His Karma is Hell coming his way for sure.
Posted by ghost on August 19, 2004, at 21:33:19
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-Ghost, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:54:35
it sounds so much like "body memories" that you're experiencing... i hope that your body can learn that it is safe now and it doesn't need to remember what it's remembering. and i hope you regain use of your arm, too.
lots and lots and lots of love,
ghost
Posted by gardenergirl on August 20, 2004, at 1:54:03
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions » Shadowplayers721, posted by AuntieMel on August 19, 2004, at 13:34:27
>
> I'm wondering if maybe the thing Rod was talking about would work. The one where the client pictures the child's fear and feelings of betrayl after one incident. Then you talk to the child, comforting her and telling her that her that she *is* loved over and over until she starts to feel calmer.
>
> It's something that sounds like it *should* work, or at least cause no harm.It also sounds a lot like the two-chair Gestalt technique. I used that last year with a variety of clients. Most all of them said in the end that despite how much they hated it (and they always groaned when I pulled out that third chair...) they thought that was one of the more helpful things we did.
At any rate, Shadows, I'm sorry you are remembering such scary and hurtful things. It must be absolutely terrifying.
Take gentle care,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on August 20, 2004, at 2:05:40
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-Ghost, posted by ghost on August 19, 2004, at 21:33:19
> it sounds so much like "body memories" that you're experiencing... i hope that your body can learn that it is safe now and it doesn't need to remember what it's remembering. and i hope you regain use of your arm, too.
>I agree. I wonder if body work...or energy work might help this symptom. Perhaps structural therapy?
> lots and lots and lots of love,
> ghostFrom me, too!
Take care,
gg
Posted by karlak13 on August 21, 2004, at 20:32:32
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 13:48:13
I had become a sex addict and went into therapy to try to figure out what was wrong with me and how to stop my behaviours and acting out. Especially since I was married and loved my husband and I hated how my acting out hurt him so deeply. the t said it sounded like I had been sexually abused. My first response was like no way. Then I was like, who? Then I started going through babysitters. No. Then relatives. I got to my Grandfather and all of a sudden all I could remember was the feeling of being touched in my private area. I went home and called my mother and she was like oh God not you to! Grandpa had done it to her when she was a child but only when grandma wasn't home. She thought I would be ok around him as long as grandma was home. I went threw several months of flashbacks. Remembering being forced to have oral sex, being in the woods and tied to a tree, sitting in a living room full of people on his lap with a pillow over my lap with his hands down my pants. ETc. I finally got a chance to confront him and he admitted it. I had had years of therapy at that time so we talked about it. He was molested by his aunts as a young boy. I know how the cycle can continue. We cried alot after I let him know how it had effected my life and my marriage. I let him know I was notifing the family of his problem and not keeping it a secret. Then I told him I still loved him and forgave him. Then it was behind me and the healing was complete.
I will pray for what you are going through I know this must be the hardest thing you have ever gone through. Remember to take it one day at a time and that it wasn't your fault.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 22, 2004, at 2:22:52
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar, posted by karlak13 on August 21, 2004, at 20:32:32
karlak13,
Thank you for sharing your painful history with me. I wish in someways that I could talk to this "thing" of a man and he is dangerous. Oh, he is frightening looking. He really is. He wasn't when I was a child. He was a very handsome man with cold eyes. Now, I tell you I wouldn't be within 10 feet of him. I doubt they way he smokes he has another 10 years on him. He looks what he is. I don't know what all happened to him. I do know that he was born right after a sister died, so the family dynamic was really warped. The other siblings were worked to death on the farm, but he wasn't asked to do anything.
I get really sick of people feeling so sorry for him. If I didn't have therapy, I would have been dead by suicide and no one would have known what was ever wrong with me. I have so many bizarre symptoms it's unreal. I didn't have a clue what was wrong with me when I got married. That's when all the bizarre symptoms started - seeing things moving, feeling jerking, not recognizing my husband,and extreme dizziness. I thought I had some rare neurological disorder or inner ear problem. I did geneology on the family to see if anyone had these crazy symptoms. Looking back, I feel like an idiot. I had no clue. I mean it. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I couldn't have a glass of alcohol or "it" the symptoms would get even worse. I couldn't ride a bike anymore due to the dizziness. I couldn't wear high heels. I shook all the time. I lost 15 pounds. I felt like I was dying. I was barely working. I still have the symptoms, but now I live with them. I don't complain about them. I feel their are a result of the abuse and may be tied to my dissociation. I have never read in any book all my symptoms of dissociation.
They say this man is paranoid schziophrenic. Now, I am no expert on this diagnosis. But, how was it that he carefully planned out drug dosages to use on me and hid what he did. He also would interact with the adults a bit to just chat on this or that. Nothing sounded illogical. But with me, he did mumble odd things. However, NEVER in front of the adults. Now, they say he doesn't talk due to meds, drools and laughs occasionally at people. I don't know. It's odd, but I wonder if he was sociopathy with psychotic tendencies. He worked, drove a car for years, was in the service, graduated from high school.
So, when did he do this sudden change into schziophrenia early 40's. That's not typical, but I guess anything is possible. Something did happen, because he did stop driving and working. I have had some people say it is his guilty conscious that is torturing him. I don't think so. My father told him that I was remembering that he molested me and guess what this strange thing said. He would love to see me again, but he needed to get cleaned up. WHAT!!!!
Posted by antigua on August 23, 2004, at 23:59:49
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 22, 2004, at 2:22:52
I don't have anything important to add but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you. Your memories sound like some of the body memories I've experienced, many of which I still don't understand. One in particular is a smothering feeling where I can't breathe and can't escape because I'm being held down. I hear specific sounds and smell certain things, but the pieces don't go together yet. There's a whole black image that I can't explain to anyone that makes me physically hurt in specific parts of my body. In order not to die, I have to run from the feeling, I've yet to be able to confront the huge fear and panic, so I admire you for having the strength to reach this understanding.
I agree w/you about evil. Many people don't want to believe it exists, but I know it does.
Hang in there,
antigua
Posted by AuntieMel on August 24, 2004, at 16:15:02
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 22, 2004, at 2:22:52
I know if it was me in your place I'd be spittin' naails mad. Frothing at the mouth bad. Wanting to kill mad. No words to express how mad.....
And there isn't anyone on this earth that could convince me that I didn't have the right to be that mad...
Ok, so it isn't legal (or moral) to cause any whysical damage to him. Do you have any burly family members that could hogtie this b-tard? Give you about an hour to scream, rant, rave, spit and generally throw every verbal thing you've got at him? I think that would go a long way - better than therapy - towards making *me* get over it.
And while he's tied down, they could confiscate all his weapons. For the good of the rest of society.
Argh. Let me at him!
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 25, 2004, at 2:46:30
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions- » Shadowplayers721, posted by antigua on August 23, 2004, at 23:59:49
I can relate to that shadow image thing you describe. Oh, that's so scary. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
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