![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 15 to 39 of 184. Go back in thread:
Posted by Ilene on March 24, 2004, at 21:37:42
In reply to Re: Dear diary March 21, posted by gardenergirl on March 21, 2004, at 21:52:01
> Ilene,
> I'm so impressed by the things you are doing to make this world a better place: dumping hazardous waste in the proper place, donating used items, etc.You don't understand! I'd feel guilty if I didn't do things the right way. Plus I'm taking all my donations off my taxes.
It sounds like you are taking things moment to moment. I hope that is working for you.
>
Actually, I'm not. I'm thinking all the time. It's just the way I write things down.> Boy can I relate about the MAOI weight gain. For me, it's a huge chocolate craving. Now that I am feeling stronger, I'm tackling watching my calories in the hopes that I can drop enough to not feel so tight in my clothes. Please don't let weight gain interfere with your progress. it's merely a function of the meds...no reflection on you.
>Doesn't matter what the cause is. I look in the mirror or I feel myself in my clothes and I feel *lousy*. Losing weight has been one of my very few accomplishments over the past year.
> Also, perhaps your T can integrate concepts from DBT if not doing a formal DBT program. I use that with a number of my clients, BPD, depression, and others. The concepts are so much more validating than pure CBT IMO.
>
It's interesting that you say that because I think I have irritated my pdoc by questioning CBT. I'm sure it works very well for many people, but they are probably wired differently from me. I got a lot out of "Feeling Good" many years ago, when I was healthier.> Take care and keep posting!
>
> gg
Posted by Ilene on March 24, 2004, at 21:50:30
In reply to Re: Dear diary March 21 » Ilene, posted by fallsfall on March 22, 2004, at 7:19:07
> Ilene,
>
> I think that I had the same problem with CBT that you have. I'm pretty good at reframing things ("this isn't a crisis, it is an opportunity to use my skills"). But I can't just decide that something that matters a great deal to me isn't important. Too much of it seemed like I would need to lie to myself. I don't lie to anyone - least of all myself.
>
> It seems that for many people CBT works really well, and I will say that I did learn lots of important coping techniques. But CBT was NOT going to FIX my problem. It was only going to help me live with my problem.
>I think of therapy as damage control. I don't think it can begin to fix me. I might learn new skills or coping mechanisms, but I'm a believer in Better Living Through Chemistry.
> I hope that over time your husband can start to understand what you are trying to say - or at least believe that what you are saying is true for you even if he doesn't understand why.
>He wants to fix me, and he loses it when he can't. Even after he's gotten over it and apologized, I'm out of it for the rest of the day, usually. It's like being drugged.
> I also know about not being able to get "un-upset" easily. Did you do any relaxation exercises in the hospital?
No, no relaxation exercises in the hospital. Sometimes a yoga instructor will do them, but I find them irritating. I get bored because there's nothing to think about, and then I forget about relaxing. Or else I'm supposed to be lying on a beach (I'm sun sensitive) or on the grass (I'm allergic to grass).
This morning I woke up an hour early (5:30AM Ugh) and I was pretty anxious. I have therapy today, and that always winds me up. I had gotten a "Relax to Sleep" tape when I was in the hospital. It is guided imagery (relax your right arm, relax your left arm, etc). So I tried that at 5:30 and it really did help. I know I'll be all wound up again soon, but getting a couple of hours of relief was pretty good.
>A couple of hours? That's amazing!
> You really ARE getting things done! I'm quite impressed. Keep posting about your day - I like to see how much you are doing (and I'll cheer you on if you get into a slump). Make sure you read your posts and give yourself credit for the stuff you are doing.
I've been keeping these little lists so I can go over them and realize I *have* been doing things, but I don't list the really important things I haven't been doing--like taxes. Aiee!
>
> Rah, Rah, Rah! Go, Ilene, Go!Thanks for the support. If I feel as good tomorrow as I did today, I'm going to try for some of the Hard Stuff.
Posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 8:34:57
In reply to Re: Dear diary March 21 » fallsfall, posted by Ilene on March 24, 2004, at 21:50:30
We can have a race to see who gets the taxes done first. On your mark, get set, GO!
Posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 8:37:08
In reply to Dear diary March 24, posted by Ilene on March 24, 2004, at 21:28:11
I caught 3 mice in my kitchen this week. I use little have-a-heart traps and either let them go in the woods behind my house (if I feel like taking a little walk), or drive to the edge of my neighborhood and let them out. My friend has a cat that she has offered to loan me, but I think that her cat would beat up my dogs, and we can't have that.
Posted by Ilene on March 25, 2004, at 11:23:56
In reply to Re: Dear diary March 24 » Ilene, posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 8:37:08
> I caught 3 mice in my kitchen this week. I use little have-a-heart traps and either let them go in the woods behind my house (if I feel like taking a little walk), or drive to the edge of my neighborhood and let them out. My friend has a cat that she has offered to loan me, but I think that her cat would beat up my dogs, and we can't have that.
Lock the cat in the kitchen overnight, and lock the dogs someplace else. Most cats don't like being in new places because they are very territorial, so it may take a few nights before the cat decides to come out of hiding and go after the mice. Other cats are devoted mousers and nothing will stop them.
Posted by Ilene on March 25, 2004, at 19:08:05
In reply to Dear diary March 24, posted by Ilene on March 24, 2004, at 21:28:11
What a lousy day. Maybe I should have paid attention to my pdoc when she said to stop drinking coffee after 3 PM. I was much better about it today. I think I had my last cup at 3:30.
My weight is down by a couple of pounds, and my ankles aren't quite so swollen, but they still hurt. On the other hand, I am extremely depressed. I wonder if the lithium is doing anything at all.
I'm back--no, not really back--still--constantly--motivated by guilt. Let's make that GUILT. ***GUILT***
I did some dishes, paid some bills, then took a little break and started a sewing project. I haven't done any sewing for over a year. I'm making a bag that will fit inside a wicker basket. The basket fits inside a bookcase. It'll hold some of my fabric. I have too much fabric, but I think everyone who sews has too much fabric.
Not exactly ambitious, but there are a few little tricks to it. I had the foresight to write down how I made them when I did the first ones a couple of years ago.
Next up: a belt for my kimono/bathrobe. Maybe I need a new kimono. Then some summer clothes--for my current bloated self, or my slightly smaller self of only three weeks ago? I need underwear, too. Maybe I'll make a bra. Is this an appropriate forum for why bras never fit me? (At least the children never complained. . . .) A bra might be overly ambitious. In my current state, anything with buttons or a zipper is probably overly ambitious.
I've copied nearly everything I need to send to the tax man. Now to write him a letter and take the packet to FedEx tomorrow. I feel better now that is off my chest. I think the only thing remaining is to figure out how much my in-kind contributions were worth.
Posted by Ilene on March 26, 2004, at 21:08:26
In reply to Dear diary March 25, posted by Ilene on March 25, 2004, at 19:08:05
I set the alarm early to take my lithium so I could get a blood draw 8 hours later. Then I couldn't get back to sleep. Finally ate some breakfast and *then* got a couple more hours of sleep. It makes a difference.
I got the tax packet to Fed Ex. Discovered my husband left the gas tank empty. Arghh. Dropped off a prescription, then got on the subway to go see my internist. Actually got there early.
I like my internist--he has explanations for why my body is going haywire, and he spends a lot of time with me--but I feel worse leaving than I do coming in. He says my problems with weight gain, swollen ankles, etc. are from the lithium, combined with Florinef and my chronic fatigue syndrome. I think he wants me to stop taking lithium. I guess I'll have to do that, but I was starting to feel just a little better, and I've read that if you abruptly stop lithium you can become resistant to it.
He also says my thyroid is out of whack, but not in the usual way. I'm having it tested again. He thinks I might benefit from T3 (Cytomel), but this is getting into borderline alternative stuff (Wilson's syndrome) that makes me uncomfortable. He said it can be hard to treat. He also said my thyroid was reacting like that of a person who has been sick for a long time (euthyroid sick syndrome). I looked that up; treatment is to treat the underlying condition. In my case that is presumably chronic fatigue syndrome. There's no good treatment.
He wasn't real happy that my pulse is below 60 and my diastolic BP was below 50 when I was in the hospital (it was high today--above 70). He says I need something to get my pulse moving. I can't take dexedrine or anything similar while I'm on an MAOI (although it occurred to me tonight that taking Parnate instead of Marplan might help).
I feel so hopeless! Two steps forward and three steps back. I was even crying on the subway on the way home.
And I had to wait while they filled the prescription. Over 3 hours and they hadn't gotten around to it.
I'm starting to get suicidal again. I don't know what to do. I'm sleeping poorly, which makes me depressed; when I manage to sleep, I'm still tired, and my ankles now hurt all the time. The drugs don't work. The lithium is making me sick, and my thyroid is malfunctioning. (The thyroid test was done before I started lithium; there's no cause and effect.) I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm back to feeling like I exist for the benefit of other people.
It's bad enough being depressed. I can't maintain any kind of positive attitude about the CFS and associated ills. So for the only thing treatment has done has made it possible for me to take a hot shower without feeling lightheaded for hours afterwards. I guess that's something. I guess. Hard to feel it's progress when I hardly want to move. I'm barely cooking anymore. I just do the minimum to keep my son fed. I really need to cook some veggies, but I haven't got the energy.
I don't know what to do.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 0:29:18
In reply to Dear diary March 26, posted by Ilene on March 26, 2004, at 21:08:26
(((Ilene)))
I'm sorry you have to deal with such a complex medical picture. It must be so hard to figure out what is causing what symptom. You could make yourself totally frazzled trying to tease apart those answers. I'm glad your internist is so good. I'm sure that helps.One thought: have you ever tried accupuncture or other alternative treatments? It seems like if there is no adequate medical treatment for CSF, there might be something in an Eastern-based approach. Any holistic healing centers near you? You might just consider going in for a consulation to see what they offer and would recommend.
I did pick up on your discomfort about alternative treatments. But there might be some out there that would not be invasive (I mean not an herb or other supplement, and not a procedure that involves entering the body in any way). Perhaps you might feel comfortable enough to try something non-invasive? Perhaps an energy-work therapy?
I do hope that somehow an effective treatment is found for you. I'm sorry you have been struggling for so long. Please keep posting. I admire your strength in coping with this, and want to hear how you are doing.
BTW, those bagged salads are great for getting your veggies. Just cut open and dump out!
gg
Posted by Ilene on March 27, 2004, at 21:59:13
In reply to Dear diary March 26, posted by Ilene on March 26, 2004, at 21:08:26
Today was slightly better. I got to bed late last night--wasn't planning to, it just happened. I don't think I took any Klonopin, or if I did, it was just 1/2 pill. I slept until about 2 AM, then was awake for a while, then out until about 9 AM. A good 8 hours, hurray!
When I got dressed I noticed my ankles are breaking out in a rash. I'll have to call my internist on Monday about that.
A woman I met in the hospital was supposed to come over, and she did! She was late, but that was okay. I showed her Marsha Linehan's book on skills training for borderlines. She says her latest diagnosis is BPD. She looked a lot better than in the hospital, too, and she seemed more balanced. We went to a local thrift store. She collects ash trays, and I was trying to get prices for some of the clothes I donated last year. We found some nice ashtrays (they are expensive!) and a lovely box that looked Japanese. I got some prices, but I started to space out from my morning coffee. That hasn't happened in a while. I also got very tired. I hate my feet. Just hate 'em. They were bad even before they got swollen.
We went back to my house and she said she had to take some Ativan and go home. I was wondering if it was something I did. But we decided after she was done with her partial hospitalization program we would go to one of the local art museums. We both like Mark Rothko.
I feel a little strange because this woman is probably more than 20 years younger than I am. I feel like a case of arrested development.
Then a friend of my daughter's, who is going to visit her in about ten days, came over with her mom to give me her plane schedule and get my husband's phone number.
I spent most of the afternoon feeling tired. I'm working on ways not to feel bored, because then I feel defeated and sorry for myself, and start thinking about suicide. It's so easy.
I took my son to his soccer game. The poor kid needs a new pair of soccer shoes. I think I can get him a pair tomorrow.
He also needs new shorts (not soccer shorts, regular shorts). Kids are such an expensive hobby.
Made frozen food for dinner, but did some picking up and filing. Got my son to put away his clean clothes. Changed my daughter's sheets because I expect a houseguest next week. I feel guilty because I'm so tired all the time--not such a good host--and my house is so messy.
I did a little sewing. I'd do more, but I want to go to bed at a reasonable time.
The gray cat is shedding on me, and snagging my pants, and purring, and telling me that he loves me.
Posted by Ilene on March 28, 2004, at 21:35:55
In reply to Re: Dear diary March 26, posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 0:29:18
> (((Ilene)))
> I'm sorry you have to deal with such a complex medical picture. It must be so hard to figure out what is causing what symptom. You could make yourself totally frazzled trying to tease apart those answers. I'm glad your internist is so good. I'm sure that helps.
>*Could* make myself totally frazzled? It's seriously contributing to my depression and anxiety.
> One thought: have you ever tried accupuncture or other alternative treatments? It seems like if there is no adequate medical treatment for CSF, there might be something in an Eastern-based approach. Any holistic healing centers near you? You might just consider going in for a consulation to see what they offer and would recommend.
>I considered acupunture when my symptoms were milder. I have extra expenses right now, including psychiatry, and I can't justify paying for something that I don't think has a really good chance of being effective.
> I did pick up on your discomfort about alternative treatments. But there might be some out there that would not be invasive (I mean not an herb or other supplement, and not a procedure that involves entering the body in any way). Perhaps you might feel comfortable enough to try something non-invasive? Perhaps an energy-work therapy?
>See above. Plus I'm a scientific method, evidence-based-medicine person.
> I do hope that somehow an effective treatment is found for you. I'm sorry you have been struggling for so long. Please keep posting. I admire your strength in coping with this, and want to hear how you are doing.
>My strength? I am a wobbling blob of jello.
> BTW, those bagged salads are great for getting your veggies. Just cut open and dump out!Don't like bagged salads. I used to eat certain boxed salads, but my faves have all got cheese.
I really appreciate your support, but I feel deceptive when you admire my "strength". Is that nutty or what?
I.
Posted by Ilene on March 28, 2004, at 22:09:59
In reply to Dear diary March 27, posted by Ilene on March 27, 2004, at 21:59:13
It's getting late, I want to go to bed soon. The gray cat is in his usual place (my lap). He's shedding--the keyboard is sure to be getting gunked up with fur--but it's so, so, soft. He's still a jerk, no matter how much he claims to love me.
Today was better, today was worse. Last night I went to bed about 11:30, but did not sleep too well. That always gets me more depressed than if I sleep well. I took my vitamins (I ran out of magnesium days and days ago and haven't replaced it), but I almost forgot my *meds* until I felt the familiar crunch of anxiety in my gut. I haven't had that for a few days, but I always take Klonopin first thing.
Got the kid late to Sunday School, but found the next-closest location of my favorite grocery store (the closer one closed). /begin rant/ I'm picky about grocery stores because I am picky about food. I never got over the fact that there are no butcher shops in this part of the world, and everything is wrapped in styrofoam and plastic. It's an insult to food. /end rant/
After Sunday School I took him to a soccer store and got him a new pair of cleats. I was dreading it, but we were in and out in minutes. "Only" $65 lighter, too. The poor little duck has a giant blister from wearing last season's shoes to his first practice and game. He's also go an immense bunion--he inherited my wretched feet (have I said I hate my feet? I hate my feet). He's had a bunion since he was four. I keep looking for high heels in his closet--"everyone knows" that bunions are caused by wearing high heels. He also needs regular shoes. That doesn't seem so dreadful now. Maybe we will do it next weekend, or during spring break.
Okay. Depressed and anxious morning, suicidal ideation starting. Forced myself to chat with grocery clerk. Told myself I would *lie down* and *put my swollen feet up* (I feel so effin' geriatric) but it took so long to put away the groceries. grab a bite, return phone calls. . . that by the time I got a cushion and something to read my son and his friend announced they needed to go to the friend's house to get a blank videotape in order to finish their class project.
Did that, and then called returned a call to an old friend in California while sitting in bed with the feet up. That was good. She was disturbed by my stay in the psych ward. I guess she doesn't know too many other crazy people. She's fun to talk to.
Then reached my other friend, who is going to stay here for a few days while she works on a project. I'm half excited, and half worried, because I don't know if I'm up to doing anything, and my house is *messy*.
Lying down must have done some good, because I had the energy to spend nearly an hour and a half on my feet cooking dinner. Pasta with sausage and broccoli--plenty of broccoli--and plenty of leftovers. Even did some of the dishes.
Did a little sewing. Would have done more, but I didn't want to get in the habit of staying up late. I am a regular night owl, and once I let myself go, I will stay up later and later.
Wanted to ramble on more about my emotional state, but it's after 11 PM.
Posted by noa on March 29, 2004, at 11:37:21
In reply to Dear diary March 28, posted by Ilene on March 28, 2004, at 22:09:59
Ilene,
One thing that stands out to me in all your entries is how many different responsibilities you have and how many talents you have and how much you do for other people. I got the image of Mary Poppins, actually!! LOL. I think it was the sewing bit before bed that really impressed me. But not just. Because it was also that you returned calls after putting away the groceries, etc. It struck me as so incredibly, well, normal!! In comparison to myself, that is. I am terrible with phone calls. And if I were in a mood like you described, I know I wouldn't have had the strength to meet that obligation.
You amaze me.
Posted by Ilene on March 30, 2004, at 10:38:38
In reply to Dear diary March 28, posted by Ilene on March 28, 2004, at 22:09:59
I didn't have time to post yesterday because my houseguest arrived, and we spent all our time yacking.
I had more energy yesterday than I have had in a long time. I managed to wash the floors in the kitchen, my bathroom, and the powder room, and clean my bathtub. I washed all the dishes after dinner, instead of leaving them sitting in the sink. (There were fewer than usual, because we had leftovers.)
Having my friend here was really, really nice. Four of us (me, my friend, my son, and the gray cat) sat on my (absent) daughter's bed and talked and talked. She really likes my son, and even likes the cats. (She never used to be an animal person.)
A lesson: I took a nice long hot shower *before* I took my Florinef, and now I am weak and light-headed. I'm not feeling too stupid, though, which is another effect of my hypotension. I took the Florinef and the rest of my meds as soon as I figured out what was happening, and now I am (maybe) starting to feel better. (It's better when I sit down.)
Good news! My thyroid tests from Friday were normal! I was so worried about it. I should remember to never rely on a single test. (Of course, now I can worry about which results were correct--the ones from the hospital, or the ones from the internist.) I had a false positive test for hepatitis C several years ago. I should have remembered that.
I see my pdoc tomorrow. We'll talk about med changes.
Posted by Ilene on March 30, 2004, at 23:04:20
In reply to Re: Dear diary March 28 » Ilene, posted by noa on March 29, 2004, at 11:37:21
> Ilene,
>
> One thing that stands out to me in all your entries is how many different responsibilities you have and how many talents you have and how much you do for other people. I got the image of Mary Poppins, actually!! LOL. I think it was the sewing bit before bed that really impressed me. But not just. Because it was also that you returned calls after putting away the groceries, etc. It struck me as so incredibly, well, normal!! In comparison to myself, that is. I am terrible with phone calls. And if I were in a mood like you described, I know I wouldn't have had the strength to meet that obligation.
>
> You amaze me.My diary is skewed. One thing I'm doing by keeping it is to remind myself of what I *do* manage to do, and the *good* things that happen in my life. If I kept a list of what I *don't * do the picture would be different. E.g. it took about a month for me to call a psychiatrist to get my son's ADHD treated. I did that just today. I still have a pile of paperwork from my father's estate, and he died nearly a year ago. Stuff like that.
It's nice that you think I have lots of talents.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 30, 2004, at 23:47:16
In reply to Re: Dear diary March 28 » noa, posted by Ilene on March 30, 2004, at 23:04:20
That sounds like a good strategy. And through each post each day, it seems like you are getting better. I hope that is the case.
Take care!
gg
Posted by noa on March 31, 2004, at 5:33:10
In reply to Re: Dear diary March 28 » noa, posted by Ilene on March 30, 2004, at 23:04:20
That's a good, positive approach, one I should probably take too, but haven't. I'm surrounded by all the stuff I haven't gotten done!
Posted by Ilene on April 14, 2004, at 19:10:15
In reply to Dear diary March 29/30, posted by Ilene on March 30, 2004, at 10:38:38
I can't believe I've been away from Babble for over 2 weeks. I saw some posts from Cubbybear, Gardenergirl, and SocialDeviantJeff, but nothing from Oskarsmom. Are you there?
My houseguest just left. It was wonderful having her, except I feel like a non-achiever next to her. She's a globe-hopping photographer, she's kept in touch with everyone we knew from college, she's got a postitive attitude...but we had fun just hanging out. I felt let down and at loose ends after she left this morning. I feel better now.
We did a lot of things together. Too much to write about now.
I've been using turning these posts into a diary for my pdoc. She wants more.
I took my son to a pdoc. He's been taking Strattera. He says it makes him tired. He's still Mr. Forgets-Everything, but I was told it takes a couple of weeks for Strattera to have an effect.
I stopped taking lithium 2 weeks ago, but I still have swollen legs and some other symptoms. I see the internist tomorrow. I'm in for some blood tests. He doesn't think it's my thyroid, since the last test was normal, but I'll ask him about thyroid augmentation.
I dropped my Marplan from 50 mg. to 40 mg. because I was having dizzy spells. When I called the internist's office to complain about still having swelling in my legs, etc., and mentioned the dizzy spell I had just had, the nurse told me to go to the ER. That really got me on edge. It's been better since I cut back.
I don't know if the Marplan is doing much of anything, except perhaps having an effect on my anxiety. I've taken hardly any Klonopin lately. I'd like to eat cheese again if this is all the relief I get. Bragg Amino Acids don't actually replace soy sauce, either.
Good cat or bad cat? We found feathers all over the front porch yesterday. We think it was a pigeon. I *hope* it was a pigeon, because otherwise it was a songbird.
I have to stop now. I promised myself I wouldn't spend too long on the computer anymore.
Posted by fallsfall on April 14, 2004, at 21:07:38
In reply to Dear diary April 14, posted by Ilene on April 14, 2004, at 19:10:15
Nice to hear from you, Ilene.
I'm glad you had a good time with your friend.
Posted by Ilene on April 15, 2004, at 21:07:48
In reply to Dear diary April 14, posted by Ilene on April 14, 2004, at 19:10:15
Today has been a good day. I'm not sure why. It could be as simple as having good weather after weeks of chilly, rainy, gloom.
I saw the internist because my ankles are still swollen after 2 weeks of being off lithium, and I have other symptoms that are suggestive of thyroid problems, despite having had a normal thyroid test. We talked, and I got blood drawn. Maybe some of my symptoms are menopausal. Maybe I will try Cytomel (a type of thyroid hormone) to augment the Marplan. This is the first time I've left his office and not been depressed.
I got home and started puttering around with much less procrastinating than usual. I made several phone calls and did a few little chores. I got my son to help me sweep the upstairs before I took him to his game club meeting.
I even talked to my dad's old girlfriend. She's somewhat deaf, which makes phone conversation difficult. Turns out her brother-in-law finally died. He'd been dying for a year, and wouldn't let his wife--who's all of about 4'9"--hire anyone to help. It's not like they were poor, either.
I finally called someone about dialectical behavioral therapy, but I've decided to put it off until after I move, because there are very few trained therapists in this area. It would take too long to find one. My pdoc says she will use some DBT concepts with me.
My son's pdoc says he can take Strattera in the evening.
Still feeling depressed, just not as badly, and managing to pull myself back/distract myself from the chasm. I wish I knew how to do this better.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 15, 2004, at 23:41:12
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 14, posted by Ilene on April 15, 2004, at 21:07:48
Posted by Ilene on April 16, 2004, at 21:27:53
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 14, posted by Ilene on April 15, 2004, at 21:07:48
Today was not so good, but not so bad. I feel my regular old crappy self, but I managed to get some things done. I've been thinking about the relationship between the internal and external worlds (i.e. what I think about vs. what happens to me), the effectiveness of meds, and whether therapy is of any use.
My pdoc has been rather negative when I insist I need meds that work. I point out that meds worked once upon a time--years ago, by now--but they did the trick well enough for me to have a relatively normal life. I've also said that I don't think therapy will do me much good until I have a medicated "floor". I need to have the level of functioning I hope meds can provide before I can do whatever I'm supposed to do with therapy.
I suspected that she was trying to get me to not focus my attention on meds because she didn't think there was anything out there that would work, but she didn't want to tell me that. (There's a nice train I could throw myself under that runs just outside her office.) But on Wednesday we had a strange little tangential conversation that makes me think she thinks I'm more clueless than I am. I was whining away about my husband--I don't usually do this, but his inadequacies have been on my mind--and I expressed my frustration at how he's always asking me if I still love him, or if I *really* love him, or some variation. I hate the way tries to use me to alleviate his own feelings of anxiety, rather than being honest. She asked for clarification--I said his feelings were internal, and no amount of reassurance from me (or anyone) would alleviate them. She took this as some kind of revelation on my part. I drew this conclusion years ago.
I thought she knew me better than that. I wouldn't want drugs to alleviate my distressing feelings if they were within normal bounds. It's just that they aren't, and I can't regulate them. I used to be able to manage bumps and setbacks much more effectively. Now I can't manage everyday life.
Posted by Ilene on April 17, 2004, at 20:35:02
In reply to Dear diary April 16, posted by Ilene on April 16, 2004, at 21:27:53
My period started. Makes me feel more normal. Didn't get it last month.
It was hot today! Over 80 degrees. This is the transition from cool spring to hot summer typical of this climate: one day you are wearing a turtleneck and a wool sweater, two days later you are wearing a tank top. I really prefer the in-between days. We just never get them. Glad I'm moving to a more temperate climate.
Like yesterday, today had its good points and bad points.
I slept late. I had to get up and disable the smoke detector in the middle of the night because my oven was cleaning itself. I woke up to a funny-smelling kitchen and an oven coated with gray crud.
I felt crappy and anxious, so I took some Klonopin for the first time in several weeks. Either it worked like a charm, or I got so involved in listening to a radio special about Wagner's Ring cycle that I felt loads better. The feeling is distant now...I did okay until about 5:00, when I came back from getting my son from his soccer game. Then I felt tired and depressed. Convinced myself to lie down w/ my feet up--it helped a bit.
I have to leave at about 10:15 to pick up my husband from the airport. I'm all worried and feeling guilty because I didn't clean up the office, and he's going to need it, and the bedroom is messy. The rest of the house is a little better than usual--not saying much, I'm no one's housekeeper. I feel like I've been filing papers for hours and the pile doesn't get smaller.
My daughter didn't get into the college she visited last week. She was walking on air after the visit, she liked it so much, my husband said. Now there's no shoulder for her cry on for a week, as he is coming here. Just virtual shoulders. I don't like the idea of her being all alone for week.
We are IMing each other. Talking about shopping for a prom dress. Now subject has changed to old movies.
(There isn't anyone around here I'd call to go to an old movie with.)
Now I'm telling her about the birds and squirrels.
Now I have said goodbye, so I can finish this and change the sheets before I get my husband.
Thought for the day: How does one *feel* as if one has accomplished something? I can look at things I have done, but I usually feel 1) It was a dreadful experience and I wish I hadn't had to have done it; or 2) I've just got more of the same to do. (Okay, so that sentence wasn't quite grammatical.)
Posted by Ilene on April 18, 2004, at 18:22:25
In reply to Dear diary April 17, posted by Ilene on April 17, 2004, at 20:35:02
Today was lousy.
My husband is here. I feel ambivalent about him. He's needy, and he has a temper. On the other hand, we have so many interests in common, we understand each other, we share a warped sense of humor, and we've been together for over 20 years.
He got in late, and I didn't sleep well, and it's hot--three other factors that contribute to depression.
In the morning my son wanted to come into the bedroom to get something while I was getting dressed, but I told him I didn't have my pants on yet, so he didn't come in. Then my husband walked in with him, saying something like, "So mom doesn't have her pants on, big whoop." That was incredibly upsetting to me. I wasn't just angry, I was anxious and something else I can't quite describe. I knew at the time I was over-reacting, but that knowledge didn't alter my feelings. What *did* alter my feelings was when my husband apologized after I told him how insulted I felt.
This was a re-run of an argument we had months ago, when he walked in while I was getting dressed and we had guests in the house. That time he refused to acknowledge my feelings. I brought it up one of the few times we saw my pdoc together. I have to give the guy credit for learning, but I'm left with the intensity of my reaction and my inability to calm myself.
I forgot to make a bag lunch for my son's field trip, so I had to make it at the last minute, so we were late. I hate it when that happens, and it's been happening a lot.
I had gotten a phone bill for the wireless phone the sunday school--past due--so I gave it to the president, and she asked me if I had cancelled it already. She says I had said I would cancel it (it's in my husband's name) but I *can't remember having the conversation*. I wonder if it's me, the depression, or the drugs.
Then I went on a wild goose chase, looking for a medical supply place my internist told me about. Couldn't find it. Frustrating as a waste of time.
Did shopping. Noticed women wearing sandals, and felt sorry for myself with my support hose. I told myself I didn't know what might be wrong with these women--maybe they'd trade my support hose for something that afflicts them--after all, I can stay on my feet longer now. I can think the thought but I can't feel the feeling. What's the trick of it?
I had sushi with real soy sauce for lunch. Probably less than one tsp. of Kikkoman. I feel okay; no MAOI interaction.
I IM'd my daughter again. Our phone calls have felt stilted to me lately, but we do better when we IM. I'm worried about her, even though I can list to myself all the things she's doing now for herself that she didn't do before. I just want things to be perfect.
I took a nap and had some coffee. I feel a little better now. Funny, it's almost 7:30 pm.
Posted by fallsfall on April 19, 2004, at 7:16:18
In reply to Dear diary April 18, posted by Ilene on April 18, 2004, at 18:22:25
That sounds like a really busy day, Ilene.
Posted by Ilene on April 19, 2004, at 21:21:13
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 18 » Ilene, posted by fallsfall on April 19, 2004, at 7:16:18
> That sounds like a really busy day, Ilene.
It wasn't. I had time for a nap, after all. Most of these things take more time to read about then they took to happen. I just deconstruct them.
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