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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on November 19, 2003, at 22:40:49
I'm afraid I'm irrevocably screwing up my life. I've lived with my parents for years. I'm in debt. My job is a nightmare. I don't even have enough energy to work part time anymore.
Yesterday I mailed off a complaint about my manager to the Labor Commission. I don't want to talk specifics; this was harrassment, exclusion, lost time,refusing accomodation and maybe even libel that went on for months. I did all my research, and I'm reasonably sure of my rights. Problem is, I don't know what I'm entitled to. I'm in a bad way moneywise and can't afford representation. I still get so many "what ifs" and I'm so worried about what will happen with the case.
And that's not all. I've been able to trace the roots of many of my problems back abuse at a private school when I was 6. Besides doing something plainly illegal, I can't come up with any remedy that would bring closure. I'm 25 and I think I'm past the time I could have maybe sued.
My daughter is almost 6 and I worry so intensely about her. I try not to show it. She's been going to a great private school for 3 years. I am allowed to visit anytime, sit in as long as I want with her (I do frequently) and the communication with the staff is excellent. She is happy and well-adjusted. I still worry so much about something bad happening to her. I love her so much and I'm afraid of messing things up with my own problems.
My problems are way too much and too many.I wish I wasn't here. I'd rather be dead than just existing. If it wasn't or my daughter I would be dead already. But even now I wonder. What's more selfish of me? Put them through one really bad moment and they hopefully get over it, or spend a lifetime being a financial and emotional burden to everyone for certain.
Posted by JimD on November 20, 2003, at 0:41:05
In reply to Nobody to really talk to, posted by socialdeviantjeff on November 19, 2003, at 22:40:49
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I can relate: I often find myself thinking that it would be much better if I could just lay down and die. I honestly dont know what keeps me here.
That said, I think you have a lot going for you. It must be amazing to have a child who relies upon you. I can only imagine how special you are to her. I know how much I value my parents, and how devistated i would be without them.
I dont know what the solution to finding happiness is, but I do think that you need to keep trying.
Posted by femlite on November 20, 2003, at 7:51:03
In reply to Nobody to really talk to, posted by socialdeviantjeff on November 19, 2003, at 22:40:49
"..in times of pain, when the future is too terrifying to contimplate and the past to painful to remember, I have learned to pay attention to right niow.
The precise moment I was in, was always the only safe place for me.
Each moment, taken alone, was always bearable.
In the exact now, we are all, always all right.
Yesterday the marriage may have ended. Tomorrow the cat may die. The phone call from the lover, for all my waiting, may not ever come.
But just at the moment, just now, that's alright.
I am breathing in and out.
Realizing this, I began to notice that each moment was not without its beauty."
"The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron
I hope you find some encouragement in this paragraph. It was a Godsend to me at a rough place in my road.
I am always worrying about my kids too. Its been 13 years. :-/
Best regards
Posted by jay on November 20, 2003, at 9:43:43
In reply to Nobody to really talk to, posted by socialdeviantjeff on November 19, 2003, at 22:40:49
Hi Jeff:
Well..I am a 33...almost 34 year old guy, currently unemployed, who lives with his parents. Even though I have a few college diplomas, the most work I could get (at least that I could function at) was as a security guard, part-time. In the past, I've worked jobs counselling people as a social worker, people from abuse to addictions. Now, all's I can do is my "security guard" job. I've lost everything I had in the past, including a child and a wife-to-be. I feel as low as low can get. You obviously know, being a parent, the value your child brings to your life, so cling to that, as that is as best of a reason as any to carry on. After my loss, I didn't feel there was *any* reason to carry on, and I had to use this silly little phrase.."..something will come up.." to try to keep me going. It's been just over 6 years now since my losses, and touch wood, but at least I can sometimes get out of bed in the morning and feel somewhat half-good.
Anyways...enough about me. You, like may of us, are not only trapped by this awful illness, but also a period in history of horrible economic times. My Dad compares it to the Great Depression, which he lived through as a boy. We are victims of circumstance, and unlike the Boomers, we where not able to get secure, life-long jobs as easily as they did. In many ways, it was just we where born at the wrong time. But...there has gotta be hope, and hopefully an economic turn-around, where we will have a chance at getting good, secure jobs that we enjoy.
For now, best to turn inwards. Tweak your meds and therapy, and huddle around your family and people you love. Those things will help provide strength as we live in these dark times. One thing is for sure..if you aren't happy with your current med situation, use all of your strength to get that changed and fixed to find meds that help balance you out inside. It seems to take a long time to find the combination, but that plus your loving family, will bring you through the dark.
Hope, best and peace,
Jay
Posted by Jai on November 20, 2003, at 16:49:31
In reply to Re: Nobody to really talk to » socialdeviantjeff, posted by jay on November 20, 2003, at 9:43:43
I too have said "life was not worth living". It was a mantra for me during the hard times. But the mantra: "Permanent solutions to a temporary situation" is far more valuable....you never know what is to come...life may get better. There may be surprises out there. Sweet kindness that you might miss. I have never stayed alive for another person. It has to come from within. I have dealt with suicide all of my life. Wait, you can always wait, put off that final solution. You do make a difference.
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on November 20, 2003, at 21:07:12
In reply to what's the alternative?, posted by Jai on November 20, 2003, at 16:49:31
Thanks everybody for your stories and inspiration. Needless to say, last night was a rough one. Femlite, thanks for the paragraph. I made it 11x17 and put it on my wall. It's definitely a good affirmation.
It's true that having someone that relies on you is quite an amazing thing. Many times however I wish she had a better father. I do what I can but it never feels like enough.
While we do live in some hard times it's difficult to see my peers doing better than me. I used to think that being something like a part-time gas station clerk was one of the lowliest jobs one could have, now it's all I can do and I'm even hanging into that by a thread. FYI Jay, I tried security. Couldn't handle it. Kudos to you.
It's not easy to watch life happen from the sidelines, alone, getting pushed out of the game everytime you try to go in because you're not allowed on the team.
I'm glad I found this board. It's so good to get some empathy and constructive advice rather than ambivalence, hostility, pity and misunderstanding. Thank you.
For now, I will try to keep breathing.
Posted by Jai on November 21, 2003, at 12:19:13
In reply to Thanks to you all, posted by socialdeviantjeff on November 20, 2003, at 21:07:12
> It's not easy to watch life happen from the sidelines, alone, getting pushed out of the game everytime you try to go in because you're not allowed on the team.
>It's a funny thing about feeling like life is happening to everyone but yourself. I used to think & feel like I was a bit player in my own movie.
what had escaped me was that I had put the center of my life somewhere other than me. It took years of good therapy and some EMDR to help me to take up the center of my own life. If trauma has put you on the sidelines and outside of the team maybe EMDR could put you back where you belong? It worked for me, but I guess it doesn't work for everyone. Just a thought.
I think it is so wonderful that you can appreciate how much we all care...we do you know.
Posted by Waterlily on November 22, 2003, at 8:49:10
In reply to Nobody to really talk to, posted by socialdeviantjeff on November 19, 2003, at 22:40:49
" But even now I wonder. What's more selfish of me? Put them through one really bad moment and they hopefully get over it, or spend a lifetime being a financial and emotional burden to everyone for certain."
Let me assure you, it would not be one realy bad moment - it would be months and years of terrible moments that your family would have to deal with. By leaving them, you'd basically be telling them that you don't love them enough to stay with them. I understand your pain as I am burdened with depression as well. It is sometimes hard to believe that my family benefits by my life, but I am not depressed all of the time. Also, I know what it's like being on the other side of the situation.My dad committed s.uicide (computer will delete that word if I spell it correctly) when I was 14 years old. He was a depressed alcoholic who put us into financial debt with his midlife crisis. The man was not easy to love. As much trouble as he was, I did love him. His death was a terrible blow to the entire family and it has impacted my life forever. Not a day goes by that I don't wish he hadn't opted out of life.
There is hope. Find it, wherever it is. If not for yourself, for your daughter.
Posted by jay on November 22, 2003, at 10:02:57
In reply to Thanks to you all, posted by socialdeviantjeff on November 20, 2003, at 21:07:12
Jeff:
I don't know if I mentioned it or not...but I mean't my 'former' job as a security guard...as right now I am unemployed.(I couldn't handle the security job.) Going out there in the big bad world scares the heck out of me, and I don't know how I am going to get to it. I need a job to pay for my expensive meds, as even my parents can't help me out with paying 200+ dollars a month for my meds. I am gonna try phoning the drug companies here in Canada, and see if they have some kind of finacial support program.
So, I use my "..wait 'til something comes up.." line, and see what happens. I am trying to find better ways to heal...find both support as well as medication that will help and work better. Meds are such a hit and miss thing, as it takes the month or so to kick in even when you just go higher with the dose.
Anyhow...hang in...hang on tight..get close and have faith in your child..as the bad *must* turn into good a some point.
Best, hope, and peace,
Jay
Posted by Dinah on November 22, 2003, at 10:31:03
In reply to Re: Nobody to really talk to, posted by Waterlily on November 22, 2003, at 8:49:10
It comes at a really fortunate time for me.
Posted by Dinah on November 22, 2003, at 10:37:14
In reply to Re: Thank you for your post » Waterlily, posted by Dinah on November 22, 2003, at 10:31:03
I meant as far as thoughts, not actions.
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on November 23, 2003, at 13:26:52
In reply to Re: Thanks to you all » socialdeviantjeff, posted by jay on November 22, 2003, at 10:02:57
I've been despairing for a long time. I do find happiness with my daughter. I'm going to concentrate on that. Even that can be really really hard sometimes, but I know it's better than slowly pushing her away. Sometimes it's hard to realize what impact I would have on people if I killed myself. I sure wouldn't miss me, but after a heart to heart with my parents I have some more perspective. Most of the time they are really hard to talk to. Fortunately not this time.
I have very little pleasure in my life, but I can't stand the idea of putting the people around me through more grief than I already am.
Posted by femlite on November 23, 2003, at 22:43:59
In reply to You guys are right, posted by socialdeviantjeff on November 23, 2003, at 13:26:52
Trust us. good or bad you mean the world to that little girl. She will see your faults and kiss away every tear. If she knows you love her and your sorry when you dont act "right" she shower you with forgiveness.
I have two whove grown up with a BP II irratible maniac, they are my greatest defenders. I hid it (my mood didorder) you know moms having a bad day) till they were pre teen and now the tears flow down moms face too often and they know, Im "different".
TheeeeeeeY dont care. We're tight
> I've been despairing for a long time. I do find happiness with my daughter. I'm going to concentrate on that. Even that can be really really hard sometimes, but I know it's better than slowly pushing her away. Sometimes it's hard to realize what impact I would have on people if I killed myself. I sure wouldn't miss me, but after a heart to heart with my parents I have some more perspective. Most of the time they are really hard to talk to. Fortunately not this time.
>
> I have very little pleasure in my life, but I can't stand the idea of putting the people around me through more grief than I already am.
Youll find it again
Each day has a beauty all its ownIts good to hear your sounding a littl better today.
Take care of yourself and your family
Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 25, 2003, at 8:31:11
In reply to Re: You guys are right » socialdeviantjeff, posted by femlite on November 23, 2003, at 22:43:59
Jeff,
You are taking so much weight upon your shoulders. It must be truly exhausting to have everyone's feelings caused by you. I know what it feels like though, to be responsible for the feelings of others.
Someone told me though, that those feelings of others aren't my fault. It took a while, but I'm beginning to believe that they were right.
If those other people are part of the reason for getting better, then please stick with them; let them know how you are feeling. Own your feelings, but lean on the people you trust. They are your salvation.
You can't save the world, but you can save just a bit of it... there are many people who know you and depend upon you. That is the part of the world that you can save; you save it through saving yourself.
I know that place where you are, I've been there. It's dark, it hurts, it's scary, it's lonely, it's very small, it seems there is no way out. There is a way out though. Listen to the voices of those who love you. They are your life-preserver, literally.
I got back, last week, from a psych ward. I've been there a number of times, feeling, I suspect, much like you do. Take it from me, as one who has been there, it gets better. It doesn't have to last forever.
I can tell that there is much to love within you, just by what you've written. You think and feel deeply. You have so much to share.
Dee.
This is the end of the thread.
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