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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 35. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sienna on November 4, 2003, at 15:30:16
hi
im in my first longterm relationship for such a long time. i was single for so long and i really love this guy, but lately he is selfcentered and mean to me. totally takes me for granted. i tried to get him to talk to me but we are having a communication breakdown. i love him so much, but i think i might have to break up with him because i dont want to live like this forever. im really upset.what do you do when someone doesnt even realize they are hurting you adn thinks you are overreacting? he wont even kiss me anymore, well a little kiss here and there, but i am feeling like he is withholding affection from me. im so sad.
sienna
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2003, at 18:35:01
In reply to problems with my boyfriend, posted by sienna on November 4, 2003, at 15:30:16
I have no useful advice to give on romantic issues, but I am listening.
I'm sorry you're sad, but I think you're right. You need to keep in mind what you deserve in a relationship, and accept nothing less. I know that's easier said than done. :(
Posted by kara lynne on November 4, 2003, at 18:58:37
In reply to problems with my boyfriend, posted by sienna on November 4, 2003, at 15:30:16
Hi Sienna,
I'm sorry you're going through that--it really hurts, I know. To the best of your ability try to get what you need from other people around you right now, I know it's not the same but it does help. For the moment try to disengage from expecting it from him because for whatever reason he's not giving it to you. Maybe he will in the future and maybe you can still work things out. But in the meantime it's important to try to take care of yourself the very best you can--doing small things that make you feel good, surrounding yourself with friends. I know that sounds so cliche', but it's true. With a little distance and filling yourself with your own strength the situation will become clearer. Of course as soon as you appear less needy he will probably become more affectionate, not that that's the way you want to have to get it. But it's for your sake, not his. I wish you the very best and I understand how incredibly painful it can be.((((sienna))))
Posted by sienna on November 4, 2003, at 19:07:01
In reply to Re: problems with my boyfriend » sienna, posted by Dinah on November 4, 2003, at 18:35:01
Thanks Dinah.
i dont want to be single again, but this is relaly hard too.
sienna
Posted by sienna on November 4, 2003, at 19:07:33
In reply to Re: problems with my boyfriend, posted by sienna on November 4, 2003, at 19:07:01
Posted by sienna on November 4, 2003, at 19:10:57
In reply to Re: problems with my boyfriend, posted by kara lynne on November 4, 2003, at 18:58:37
hi kara lynne
i know that you are right. and i do know that he is stressed and this happens when he is stressed. i mostly feel we are not communicatine because he never will talk about anything. i always say well its not that bad, but i think it might actually BE that bad. and i just am not sure what to do about it. i will definitely take your advice though. i think i will stay away for a few days. we spend a lot of time together so he for sure will notice that something is different.i almost feel that if i just dont say anything but use actions (like not coming to his house) speak for me, maybe it will motivate him to talk about what is wrong.
when he does this i just feel like he doesnt like me. its a yucky feelnig.
thanks so much for writing me.sienna
Posted by kara lynne on November 4, 2003, at 19:38:41
In reply to Re: problems with my boyfriend » kara lynne, posted by sienna on November 4, 2003, at 19:10:57
--i almost feel that if i just dont say anything but use actions (like not coming to his house) speak for me, maybe it will motivate him to talk about what is wrong.--
I think you're right. In general the more we push--and out of good intention, because we want to make things better--the more we push them away. Maybe this will give him a chance to collect himself and be in a better position to give you what you need.
I think it's such a good idea to spend a little time away, in your own space. Sometimes when I spent a lot of time at my boyfriend's house before we moved in together, I would begin to feel like I lost my center. I didn't even notice what was wrong until I got home and safe, and could begin to feel who I was again, not in relationship to him.
Chances are it's more about him than it is you, but unfortunately that doesn't make you feel any better. It's hard not to take it personally, but give it a shot. I think you're on the right track.
Thinking of you,
kara
Posted by sienna on November 4, 2003, at 21:55:19
In reply to Re: problems with my boyfriend, posted by kara lynne on November 4, 2003, at 19:38:41
yews you are so right on so many things kara lynne. i wil try to stay at my house. im sure things will work out, i just am not sure how. its nervewracking. im sad. thanks for writing.
sienna
Posted by memma on November 4, 2003, at 22:21:11
In reply to Re: problems with my boyfriend » kara lynne, posted by sienna on November 4, 2003, at 21:55:19
Hi Sienna!
I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. One question- how long have yall been dating?
I think that Kara Lynne gave you excellent advice. Try to focus on yourself for a while, and do the things that are important to you. You don't necessiarily have to quit seeing him, but just try to focus on your own life for a while.
I dated a guy for two years, and when we broke up, I didn't know what to do with myself without him. I was so devestated because I had forgotten who I was. I felt like I lost my identity.
So maybe if you spend more time doing "you" things, like going out with your girlfriends or volunteering (or whatever you like to do!), you'll have a little more clarity about what you need from a relationship, while giving him some time to do his stuff (you said he was really stressed out).
Hope this helps (and I'm sorry if I sound like Oprah, I'm kinda cheesy!!!!)
love, memma
Posted by octopusprime on November 5, 2003, at 0:13:05
In reply to Re: problems with my boyfriend » kara lynne, posted by sienna on November 4, 2003, at 19:10:57
> i almost feel that if i just dont say anything but use actions (like not coming to his house) speak for me, maybe it will motivate him to talk about what is wrong.
sienna,
i haven't chatted with you before but i thought i would share my experience. be careful with wordless actions. depending on who you are and you your boyfriend is, these kinds of actions can degrade into a passive-aggressive silent treatment downward spiral. i have been there and stole that t-shirt. not fun.
keep in mind that eventually you will have to say what you want from your boyfriend flat out, and he may not prompt you or inquire about your absence or respond in kind with his own feelings. sometimes you have to find your own space and voice. make sure you know what you want before asking for it.
good luck. this is not easy. i'm sorry to hear you are going through it.
Posted by kara lynne on November 5, 2003, at 0:51:42
In reply to Re: problems with my boyfriend » sienna, posted by octopusprime on November 5, 2003, at 0:13:05
I just read this and saw that octo and I addressed the exact same sentence in opposite ways. I want to clarify, because I don't mean you should rely on passive aggressive behavior--I didn't get the feeling that you were. My thought was that if you had already tried to talk to him directly and it wasn't working, maybe a little action would be a good thing. I don't think it has to be seen as passive aggressive, but it might speak to him in a way that words haven't. Even if you say you're just taking some time for yourself it's true, and it might create a non pressured way for him to respond in his own right. Sometimes things just need a chance to cool down, you both can try to integrate your thoughts.
Maybe he will respond, maybe he won't--that remains to be seen. But it might still help you feel better about yourself, just to be away from a source that temporarily seems to be shut down.
You deserve kindness.
I hope you feel better soon. Please let us know how you're doing.
Love Kara
Posted by sienna on November 5, 2003, at 14:05:35
In reply to Just to clarify, posted by kara lynne on November 5, 2003, at 0:51:42
I understand what you are saying. I think it would be good for us to spend a little time apart or i guess maybe just send less time together for a while. im usually not passive aggressive so i think it will be ok, but ill make sure to be careful not to be.
i really appreciate all of your feedback. =)
Sienna
Posted by kara lynne on November 5, 2003, at 15:24:06
In reply to Thanks you guys..., posted by sienna on November 5, 2003, at 14:05:35
Hope you're feeling better. How did things go yesterday--did you get some time alone?
Also---no judgement from me regarding anything you do. I have committed most all greivous relationship errors known to mankind.
Hope to hear from you when you're up to it, sienna.
Posted by sienna on November 7, 2003, at 13:30:51
In reply to Re: Thanks you guys..., posted by kara lynne on November 5, 2003, at 15:24:06
but i guess that is better than continuing to live like this....
still im very sad.
sienna
Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2003, at 13:34:49
In reply to I think we are going to break up..., posted by sienna on November 7, 2003, at 13:30:51
Of course you're sad...
Posted by kara lynne on November 7, 2003, at 15:42:42
In reply to Re: I'm sorry. :( » sienna, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2003, at 13:34:49
Dear Sienna,
I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. Did you actually have the break up conversation or is it a feeling? Remember, even if you do separate--if there is something strong enough to keep you together you will find it again. Otherwise you can begin to heal from something that is causing you so much pain. It takes a lot, but it's possible. Luckily you didn't make the mistake I did of moving in with him first--that made it a lot harder.You'll make it through--if I did anyone can. Please write if you want to.
Love,
Kara
Posted by sienna on November 7, 2003, at 18:50:49
In reply to Re: I'm sorry. :( » sienna, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2003, at 13:34:49
Thanks Dinah.
I will hang out with some friends tonite though, that should help some.
Sienna
Posted by sienna on November 7, 2003, at 18:54:56
In reply to Sienna, posted by kara lynne on November 7, 2003, at 15:42:42
We talked about it, but didnt make any decision, just that we will think for a few days and stay away from each other. but he is as snappy and mean as ever. Time might make him feel better but I need to see an actual behaviour change or Im done. So I said wed give it some time, but deep inside, I dont think it will be enough. Im just so sad because it is such a uturn from his usual self. Oh well.
No sense wasting time with someone who is being mean. Right? Or should I give him a chance to fix himself? If he changed, Id love to stick around, but i dont want to drag this out its just goign to hurt more.
Sienna
Posted by kara lynne on November 7, 2003, at 22:37:07
In reply to Re: Sienna » kara lynne, posted by sienna on November 7, 2003, at 18:54:56
-I need to see an actual behaviour change or Im done-
That's the smartest move you could make. Take it from someone who stuck around waiting for someone to change, listening to meaningless words--for years. And I have nothing to show for it except a further delay in finding something better for me.
I'm not saying he won't change--anything is possible. That is, if it's something he wants for himself. If he does then great-- you guys can take another shot at working it out. But in the meantime you haven't given yourself up for something that or may not happen. He will ultimately respect you a lot more for that.
I know it's heartbreaking, especially when he's acting so different than usual. Do you have any idea what happened--could he be using drugs or something? Not that it makes any difference; the end result is still that you have to take care of yourself in the situation.
Try to take it a day at a time. For me, to consider never talking to my ex again was too painful. Take the first step and spend some time by yourself to start building the muscle again. Anyway, snappy and mean is not fun to be around, and more painful in the end than breaking up. It's just that you have to feel worse before you feel better, but you will feel better. If you stay with a man who is mean to you, you will never feel better.
Please let me know how you're doing, when you feel like it.
I'm thinking of you,
Kara
Posted by Dinah on November 8, 2003, at 13:37:44
In reply to Re: I'm sorry. :( » Dinah, posted by sienna on November 7, 2003, at 18:50:49
If he's under a lot of stress right now, could you encourage him to go to work out a few times a week. My husband was doing it for a while and it made a big difference. Now he's slacked off, and I'm ready to divorce him.
If it's a recent change it might be worth a shot.
Posted by kara lynne on November 9, 2003, at 15:24:25
In reply to Re: Just a thought » sienna, posted by Dinah on November 8, 2003, at 13:37:44
Ok I admit it. I'm scanning this thread hoping there will be a post from you telling us how you're doing...
Posted by sienna on November 9, 2003, at 17:27:07
In reply to sienna...., posted by kara lynne on November 9, 2003, at 15:24:25
im sorry. i guess i just feel so crappy i dont know what to write. im just so angry at him for ruining it by being mean to me. it could have been great, there is no good reason why it couldnt be that way, but he is being awful, and thats it.
but whats really funny is while i was out trying to get some retail therapy, (i figure if i want to meet people i cant really hide at home might as well try to go shopping even if i cant really buy anything), but anyway, i got a huge crush on the shoe salesguy and later he came and found me and gave me his card hehe in case i wanted the shoes, and then later this other guy stopped me and said i was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.
Man the stars are doing some wierd things right now. My life is definitely being shaken up right now. Please for the love of God let somethigh good come out of this.
tring to keep my sense of humour,
Sienna
Posted by kara lynne on November 9, 2003, at 23:21:01
In reply to hi Kara lynne and Dinah too » kara lynne, posted by sienna on November 9, 2003, at 17:27:07
"this other guy stopped me and said i was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen."
Wow! That must have cheered you up! I'm glad people are reminding you how beautiful you are. You'll do just fine.
Especially with humor.
Posted by sienna on November 10, 2003, at 23:09:33
In reply to Re: hi Kara lynne and Dinah too, posted by kara lynne on November 9, 2003, at 23:21:01
Lets hope so. i have always had such a good sense of humour, but i feel so jaded.
how are you feeling?Sienna
Posted by kara lynne on November 11, 2003, at 1:48:07
In reply to Re: hi Kara lynne and Dinah too » kara lynne, posted by sienna on November 10, 2003, at 23:09:33
I know--sometimes I wonder how it is that I still have a sense of humor. But it's placed precariously close to my sense of impending doom, so I better be careful.
I'm icky and pms and eating too many starchy foods late at night. My ex leaves me messages about the stray cat that he's befriending--and then tacks on a one liner at the end of them about how 'severely' he misses me.
I guess this means that I am somewhere in importance above nothing, but slightly below a stray cat.
How are things with you?
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